Seeking Closure and a Little Pity Party

Our Augusta doctor sent us on our way Monday morning after explaining to us that he recommends a "natural" miscarriage over the next 2 weeks. He said that it would be a painful, heavy period that would start in about a week. I would then come back to make sure that my hormones were back to baseline and verify that everything had been evacuated. I haven't started to visibly miscarry, the baby just stopped growing. The sac only measured 9mm when it should have been ~23 mm. It had decreased in size since last week. Still no heartbeat at almost 7.5 weeks. There was actually a yolk sac and fetal pole that grew after implantation, so it wasn't just a chemical pregnancy. I got a second opinion from my Charleston doctor who confirmed that this pregnancy was no longer viable.

After talking to my doctor in Charleston, there is absolutely no way I can do this. We have waited for this pregnancy for almost 5 years. I do not want to torture myself over the next 2 weeks and watch it slowly and painfully come out of me. Personally, it would kill me to have to go through that. Don't get me wrong...I hold no judgement against those who choose to go this route. I just don't think I can do it.

My other option is a D & C. I feel horrible about this...it makes me feel like I'm going in to have an abortion. After seeking reassurance from Charleston and weighing the pros and cons, we have decided to go with this option. After a few phone calls, my Augusta doctor has agreed to squeeze me in tomorrow afternoon. I have already taken the week off work, so this will give me time to recover. Besides, I don't think I could have gone back to work anytime soon regardless.

It will be done, it will be over. We won't have to prolong the grieving process. We can move on.

I will admit that this has been pretty tough. I was okay until the Augusta doctor called to tell me that we owe $900 (that we don't have) for the procedure. I just broke down and started hyperventilating. After all of this...more damn money. None of IVF went towards my deductable. Screw my cheap and crappy health insurance. Better yet, screw my doctor. The damn billionaire could at least cut us a break after all of the money we've given him. You know what really chaps my ass? The fact that that women who use abortion as a form of birth control can drop by a clinic and have it done for $300. God help me to understand the injustice of it all.

Andy and I have been discussing things, and we made the decision that after tomorrow, we are done. Emotionally we are done. Physically we are done. Financially we should have been done a long time ago. We can't go through this anymore. I will explain more at a later time, but right now I have a crappy attitude and just don't feel like discussing it. Not only do we get to grieve this child, but we have to grieve the fact that we will never have biological children. We can't continue on and just get pregnant again like normal people.

I really want to be a nice person and look forward to things in my life. I want to truly be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies. I want things to go back to the way they were before infertility ruined my life. It has cast a dark shadow over how I look at things now. I have become bitter and cynical. I was actually happy for the past 7 weeks. I was anxious, but I had a sense of relief that this horrible nightmare was over. I was one of "them". I was accepted. I fit in for once. I was pregnant. Now it's gone...I just wish I could have been given the one thing I've always wanted. A family.

I want to go far, far away. To a place where there are no pregnant women, no children. I don't want to listen to pregnant women complain about nausea, dizziness, fatigue...anymore. I don't want to hear another mom tell me that I can borrow her kids. Little does she know that I would kidnap them from her if she gave me the chance. I don't want to listen to people talk about their children 24/7 when I have nothing in common with them. The only story I have to share is what movie Andy and I watched the night before, or what we ate for dinner. We don't get to dress any children up for Halloween. We don't get to send out cute little picture Christmas cards and look forward to Christmas morning when they come running into the living room to see what Santa brought. We can't look forward to old age because we don't know if we'll have children or grandchildren to share it with. It is a feeling of loss that you could never imagine unless you've experienced it. It really does feel like someone close to us has died every month for the past 5 years. I would give one arm and both legs to experience the rest of this pregnancy and use the other arm to hold our child in 7 months. Hell, I would give my eyesight and hearing just so I could smell and touch my baby. I don't want to hear that we have plenty of other options. Easier said than done, considering it costs tens of thousands of dollars that we just don't have.

I just don't get it. We are good people. We are Christians. We have given so much to others without expecting anything in return. We have worked our butts off for an education and put so much into our careers. We've survived almost 9 years of marriage through all of this. You would think that the good karma would start coming back to us. I just wish I could understand God's plan in all of this. If no children are part of the plan, then what do we have to be responsible for? We might as well just sell the house & cars, jump on a plane and go live on a beach in the islands somewhere. We would be really cool bartenders. I think they would like us.

Annnnnd...looking on the bright side of things, we have our life. We have our health. We have the Gamecocks. We have wonderful family and friends that have bent over backwards to help us through this. We can jump in the car at any time and go wherever we want to go. We have alcohol...in moderation;)

Andy and my mom will be taking me to the surgical center tomorrow. My gonads will be violated for the last time. I'm done. Done. DONE. Please pray that everything goes smoothly and that I wait until after the procedure to punch my doctor for ripping us off one last time (this is obviously a joke...I will, however, have a very sharp tongue since it will be the last time I will have to come in contact with him).

Thank you for all of the wonderful comments on my last post and personal emails that were sent. We read every last one of them and they brought us comfort. I am still reading them over and over again. I'm sorry if I am coming across as doom and gloom...this is just how I feel right now. Maybe my feelings will change once I have a chance to grieve and get on with my life. You all are the best and we're so lucky to have your prayers and support. We couldn't have gone through this alone. Thank you again. I will be in touch once the drugs wear off or after I have been bailed out of jail.

FML

I don't really feel like going into many details right now, but we lost the baby.

I'll have a "pity party" story to follow, so consider that a warning in advance if you don't like to read them.

Ugh...I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of our shitty luck. Fucking sick of it. And yes, I will have a potty mouth today because I really don't care about anything right now.

To all of those who have been blessed with children...go home and cuddle with them tonight. Do not take them for granted.

Need. Alcohol.

Well, we've been riding on that roller coaster again today.

We saw the baby (yes, only 1!) on the ultrasound this morning, but...no heartbeat. I ended up having to go over to the hospital to have some blood drawn to check out my hormone levels.

Today was the first time I have EVER called into my current job. I hate that I had to break the record, but I was just too emotionally scattered to keep a clear mind. So, Andy and I went home and crashed on the couch for the remainder of the day.

I finally got a call around 4 pm. My actual doctor in Charleston called me from his cell phone...imagine that! My HCG is still rising and is at 4100 now. My estrogen is 3230 and progesterone is 143. I just don't get it.

According to him there is still hope, and that it could go either way. He said that some embryos are slow implanters which would explain why my HCG continues to rise. He also pointed out that they cannot always find a heartbeat at 6 weeks. I'm 6 weeks and 2 days right now, so we could have a procrastinator on our hands.

My satellite doctor in Augusta also called to make sure that I received my lab results. They said that my numbers look completely fine and that it could just be too early. They also pointed out the fact that if there were a pending miscarriage, my progesterone would be squat (<20) regardless of how many suppositories I'm taking a day.

So, there was some reassuring news at the end of the day. That made us feel a lot better. We have to wait another week and go back next Monday for a 7 week 2 day ultrasound. This is going to be a stressful Christmas! We are hopeful but it is still very unnerving.

Now that I think about it, they didn't even give me a picture from my ultrasound! It's probably a good thing...I would be Googling images and comparing it all night. Google is evil for infertiles.

We thank you all for your prayers and sweet comments. Please keep the prayers coming. Miracles can happen! We hope that everyone has a Merry Merry Christmas!!!

Yessssssss.....

Oh my goodness, I'm nauseated!!! I'm so excited!!!

I've looked forward to this day for a long time.

If God lets me keep this pregnancy, I'm going to be grateful for every feeling...good or bad. No complaining from this pregnant girl! That is, if I can get past the anxiety of it all.

Please pray that we see a little Giblet or Shweet T at our ultrasound next Monday!

The Waiting Game

Today's HCG came back at 929...my nurse said that they like to see it at 1000, so they're going to do an early ultrasound next Monday to make sure that everything is okay.

The anxiety is killing me. I know that I need to be calm, but come on! I'm almost at 1000, so why would they tell me that? To make me worry for the next week??? If a normal beta doubles every 48-72 hours, then I should be right on target. I just don't understand where they get their numbers from. From what I've read, the range on a normal HCG is extremely broad and not to worry as long as your number continues to rise.

Do they torture normal pregnant women with all of these betas? Don't they usually just tell you that you're pregnant and to come back in a month for your first ultrasound? Geez.

I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for the next week. I guess I'll go buy another truckload of pee sticks to pass the time.

Please pray that this little miracle is cooperating down there. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Borderline Psychotic?

Hey, at least the line is getting darker as each day goes by. I still can't believe it. This is the best Christmas present EVER. I go in tomorrow for my 3rd beta and then they will schedule my first ultrasound. OMG!

Blessed Again

My Beta HCG doubled! Hallelujah! It went from 75 on Friday, to 157 this morning. HCG is a hormone produced by the placenta shortly after implantation. In most normal pregnancies the HCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours and it normally increases by at least 60% every two days. When it gets to about 1200 it continues to climb a little slower. After about 2-3 months it will start to decline and eventually plateau. Here's my chart so far...it seems to be on the high end of normal. There's really no way of telling if we're dealing with twins here.

I'm so relieved, but now I have to wait ONE WEEK before I have another one drawn. Argh matey. If it has continued to rise, they will then schedule my first ultrasound. What am I going to do for the next week? Let's just say that my pee on a stick addiction has been taken to the next level. It's worse than it has ever been before, but it's my security blanket for now. I should have bought stock in those damn things...

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and congrats...we feel so blessed to have come this far and still feel like we're dreaming!!! Grow baby grow!!!

Am I Dreaming?

Oh. My. God.

I'm pregnant.

PREGNANT!

It's been almost 5 years...I can't believe it. We are ecstatic and feel like we're dreaming! IVF worked...is this really happening???

I started peeing on a stick Monday night...yeah, I know I'm a cheater. A very, very faint line showed up Wednesday morning, I just passed it off as an evaporation line. The line got a little easier to see on Thursday morning...gulp. The line came up almost instantly this morning and the digital came up pregnant in like 20 seconds!

I wasn't going to get my hopes up until I heard from my doctor...they drew my blood this morning and called me back to tell me that my Beta HCG was 75 and Estrogen was >1000. I'm 10 days past a 3 day transfer and my nurse said that these were strong numbers. Of course, I started beast crying at work and I think I had all of my coworkers beast crying along with me.

Now the question is...how many are in there? Holy cowhide!

I go back Monday to make sure my levels are still going up. The only symptoms I have are sore tatas, some cramping, a little dizzy, and I've peed 98493092 times today.

We're not out of the woods yet, but we're so happy because this is the furthest we've ever come. My Daddy's birthday was yesterday, so we took him out to dinner tonight. His present? A pair of Gamecock booties...he and my mom were so excited!

I've already announced it on Facebook...I couldn't help it. We've waited too long to make that announcement, so we're going to enjoy this moment! It's our turn:)

God is so good! We are so blessed!!!

No Snowbabies

RIP Gobble, Hambone, Greenbean, Cornbread, and Cranberry:(

The last 5 embryos didn't make it to freeze...so there goes another frozen cycle down the drain if we need it. The package that we bought includes 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles, but you forfeit a frozen cycle if there are no embryos after a fresh attempt. Always a catch.

We're still praying that Giblet and Shweet T are hanging in there. The embryologist said that this is not an indication of how they will do because they were a much better quality than the others. Plus, they're in a natural environment.

I'm not as afraid that they're going to fall out this time! I was told that an embryo transfer is like putting a grain of rice into a bowl of peanut butter...so that's reassuring.

I'm still feeling fine, actually pretty normal. Bloated and hungry 24/7, but those are the main side effects of the progesterone/estrogen supplements I'm taking. According to the timeline, the embryos should be implanting Sunday or Monday...that is, if everything is coming along down there.

I hope I have a bowl of some really sticky peanut butter.

A Different Perspective

I used to love laying underneath the Christmas tree when I was little...

Tonight, I decided to revisit my childhood wonders. I still say the view from this perspective is much better...

Not only did Andy walk in and think I was crazy...someone else was curious too.
Now, how many of you are going to give it a try?

Giblet and Shweet T

Sorry I haven't posted earlier...I just woke up from a Valium high. Man, that stuff knocks me out.

I received a call at 6:30 this morning letting me know that we were going to do our transfer! We drove to Charleston and the transfer took place at about 11:30.

All 7 embabies were still growing, but there was a group of 4 that looked really good. They transferred the best two out of that group. One was an 8 cell Grade 1, the other was an 8 cell Grade 2 (Grading is 1-4, with 1 being the best). We talked about transferring 3, but it only increases my chances of pregnancy by 2%....and increases the chances of triplets by 15%. So really there would be no benefit in transferring 3 vs. 2. They will let the other five continue to grow until Friday. It is at that time they will know if any are healthy enough to freeze. Our doctor said that there is a 50% chance that we will have at least one to freeze, so we'll see.

I'm on bedrest for 48 hours and will then have to limit my activity for the rest of the two week wait. We are going to drive back home tomorrow so that I can celebrate Turkey Day on my own couch!

We decided to name our embabies in honor of Turkey Day. Giblet and Shweet T are floating around in my uterus right now. Gobble, Hambone, Greenbean, Cornbread, and Cranberry are chilling at the lab hoping that they can be frozen on Friday. I hope that the embryologist feeds them a nice Thanksgiving dinner.

Today, I am thankful for all of your prayers and for all of our embabies. We hope that we will receive the best Christmas gift ever this year. I've posted some pictures of our transfer today. I hope everyone has a Happy Turkey Day!

Our 7 little miracle embabies...I think Giblet and Shweet T are the 2 less fragmented ones on the middle row (first 2 from the left).

Giblet and Shweet T in my uterus after the transfer

Proud parents with the ultrasound of our Maybe Babies! I was doped up on Valium and enjoying those stirrups.

Today, We Are Blessed

Out of the 12 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature...and 7 have fertilized!

That's right, we have 7 embabies as of this morning. That's much better than the phone call I received during IVF #1 saying that we only had 1. The embryologist will let them stay in the incubator until early Tuesday. We will get a call that morning to let us know how many have continued to survive, and if we are going to do a transfer on Tuesday or Thursday. They will transfer the 2 best embryos and freeze the remaining for future use.

Just a small favor...we appreciate your enthusiasm and support for our situation. However, this blog was created as a forum to share personal information about our infertility with those we wish to share it with. All of our family, close friends, and the fellow bloggers who come across it are welcome to this blog. Please respect our privacy by not posting our private matters as comments/status updates on a public forum, i.e. facebook, myspace, etc. This has spawned from several incidents, not just one in particular. All of those we wish to communicate our information to have been led to this blog, which is unsearchable by search engines. Let's face it...facebook is the world's biggest gossip mill, and my ex boyfriend from 6th grade doesn't need to know about my wonky reproductive system. Please direct all of your comments to this site. Thanks:)

Please pray that our "Lucky 7" continue to divide and stay healthy. We want to thank everyone for all of the prayers lately...they worked!

God is good.

A Dozen Eggs

We have 12 eggs!

I am feeling fine...just a little uncomfortable, but the pain meds are pretty sweet. I'm taking it easy and praying that we will get a good fertilization report in the morning. The embryologist said that they all look good under the microscope, but we won't know their true quality until tomorrow.

I got to meet my niece yesterday and I fell in love the second I laid eyes on her. This Aunt is going to spoil her rotten. My sister is doing really good...they get to come home today!

Just think, a dozen AndyJessicas are simmering in a petri dish at this very minute...please pray for us!

It's Jacko Time!

Just a quick update! I've got a lot to do before tomorrow!

My estrogen went from 1777 to 2700...my retrieval is set for early Saturday morning! Based this morning's ultrasound and labs, they estimate that there will be around 11 mature eggs. They also said that they are pleased because I have responded SO much better than last cycle. Thank you God.

Tonight, I will discontinue all of my other injections and do my HCG trigger shot at 10 p.m. sharp. Click here to see a previous blog entry explaining the importance of this injection.

I have to go back to my Augusta doctor once again tomorrow morning for labs. This is to make sure that my HCG level is sufficient and doing its job. We will hit the road after my appointment so that we can get settled in Charleston.

There will be one little pit stop along the way...well kind of out of the way, but who cares! I'm going to get to meet my niece before I'm on bedrest!

I should be feeling pretty good after my dose of Jacko on Saturday, so I'll post an update once we find out how many were retrieved. We'll be coming back home after surgery this time and waiting for them to call with our fertilization report. Waiting for that call is going to be pretty stressful. After 6 weeks of torturous and expensive medications combined with emotional kicks in the ass, it all comes down to that one call. Please pray for some good embabies this time!

You're Getting on my Last Hormone

Stimulation Day 10

I'm Aunt Jessica for the second time this year! My sister had her baby girl at 5:44 p.m. today. She weighs 8 lbs 1 oz and is 21 inches long. This is the first grandchild on my side of the family. My sister and her hubby live a few hours away so I haven't met her yet, but she is absolutely perfect in the pics!

My estrogen is now 1777 (from 1000 two days ago) and lining is 11.8 mm. I still have about 13 follicles and they are all growing nicely. A little more than half are now mature, but they want me to take another day of Follistim in hopes that the others will catch up and be mature by retrieval. It looks as if I will have my HCG trigger shot tomorrow night if everything looks okay at my appointment tomorrow morning. This means we will head to Charleston on Friday for preop and our last ultrasound/labs and my retrieval will be early Saturday morning. The transfer will take place on Tuesday (Day 3) or Thursday (Day 5). Yes, Thanksgiving Day.

I'm trying to stay in a good mood and not complain, but I'm beginning to get really irritated this time around. I hate how there isn't a set schedule with this. I never know when I'm going to have to go to an appointment until the last minute. It's torture asking off work every other day when I'm usually required to give a 2 month notice for time off. I'm sure that they understand, but it's still very uncomfortable. I always feel that I have to justify why I'm needing off...all because I want what is supposed to be the most natural part of human life. Unfortunately, I can't get pregnant the old fashioned way and it makes me feel like an outcast. Unfortunately most people who can easily have children do not understand why we would willingly put ourselves through this, why we don't "just adopt" or consider other options. Unfortunately, I can't quit my job because my original plan of being a stay at home mom is shot...considering all of our savings is beyond dunzo. I know that I have become extremely open about this entire process, partly because I couldn't hide it if I tried. I just hate that I have to bring my problems to work instead of leaving them at home. It has consumed my entire life.

I'm sorry, I've just had a few things said to me recently that have rubbed me the wrong way and it's hard to keep a smile on my face and act like it doesn't bother me. All I have to say is, I'm going to pick my battles and I have found out who my true friends are throughout this journey. I appreciate each and every one of you and I'm glad that I can get away from those who just don't understand and look here for support each day. I have been horrible at commenting back because I've been so busy lately and I'm sorry. I promise I will catch up while on bed rest this next week!

Can't. Move.

Stimulation Day 8

Ouch.

I've already forgotten how uncomfortable this is. I need to take a picture of my belly because it already looks like I'm 5 months pregnant. I'll just pretend I'm pregnant...with two sasquatch ovaries.

As of this morning, my estrogen is a little over 1000, progesterone is 1.04, and uterine lining is 10.4 mm...thumbs up! The increasing estrogen shows that my follicles are growing, and the decreased progesterone shows that I haven't had an "oops" ovulation. They usually see a lining of around 7-9, so mine is exceptional. I believe the total follicle count is around 13. The biggest follicle is around 16 mm and all of the others are right behind it trying to play catch up. We are hoping that all will be mature by retrieval time.

This cycle is already looking MUCH better than last, but I'm more concerned about the quality vs. quantity. Are there going to be some good eggs inside of those follies? I'm praying every second of every day that it will work this time. I do not want to go through this again:(

I go back on Wednesday morning for labs and another ultrasound. We'll be able to better pinpoint the retrieval date at that time. They are still guessing that it will be Friday, so we shall see. I hope I can still walk by then!

Gobble

Stimulation Day 6

Oh yeah. I'm feeling it.

My estrogen went from 118 on Thursday to 635 this morning, yay! They measured 8 growing follicles...4 on my left ovary and 4 on my right. It is still very early, so there's a chance that some of the smaller ones will catch up. This time last cycle, I had 4 total follicles and one huge cyst. I would say that this time around is showing a little more promise. I go back Monday a.m. for another ultrasound and blood work.

As of now, my surgery for retrieval is scheduled for next Friday, November 20. The transfer should take place on Monday, November 23 (Day 3) or Wednesday, November 25 (Day 5).

This schedule is tentative and could change at any time over this next week. It all depends on how I continue to respond to the medications.

We always do Thanksgiving out of town with Andy's family, and according to this schedule, I will be on bed rest. If we get lucky enough to have a Day 5 transfer, then it will be the day before Thanksgiving. It sucks, but I would much rather bring a grandchild to our next Thanksgiving celebration.

My family will also be out of town celebrating Thanksgiving with my sister and her new baby girl...that is, if she's born by then. She's about 87 weeks pregnant right now...hang in there Katie! I hope I get to meet her before I'm stuck on bed rest!

Will somebody please bring some turkey and dressing by my house? Make it enough for seconds too:)

Bullseye

You see this vial of Follistim?

$509.20 each.

I have 5 of them. Each one lasts about 2.5 days. Guess what I'm going to say about that? Ridiculousness.

I do, however, have this handy dandy pen that I get to use to inject the medication with.

I decided to let go of my control freakishness and allow Andy to do the injection on Tuesday night. He has done an intramuscular injection to my backside a couple of times, so I figured this would be a walk in the park. It's very simple...just pinch my belly fat, slide the needle in, and push. It doesn't require nearly as much force as an injection into my Beyonce humps.

I think he threw it like a dart from across the kitchen and it almost pierced my bowel. Poor thing...he means well. Maybe I'll let him try again this weekend.

Today is stimulation day 4. I had blood work this morning and my E2 (estrogen) level is now 118. They would like for it to be a little higher, so they increased my dose of Follistim from 225 units to 250 units each evening.

The estrogen production increases as follicles develop and it is expected to be above 100 at this point in my cycle. From what I've been told, it will correspond with how many follicles I have towards the end. Every mature follicle should produce about 200 units of estrogen. I think.

My next appointment is Saturday morning. I will be having labs drawn again, as well as an ultrasound so that we can see what's going on in there. My nurse will call me Saturday afternoon to let me know how everything looks. I'm not too uncomfortable yet, so we'll see!

Ready for Take Off

Ultrasound is clear.

Estrogen has dropped.

No cysts.

All resting follicles healthy and happy.

Is this seriously going right for once? Why yes...it is!!!

I had about 14 resting follicles (all uniform in size) on my ultrasound this morning. My estrogen level has bottomed out which is where they want it. I am officially in artificial menopause at the ripe age of 30. The reason they do this is so that they can have full control of my cycle...IVF is all about perfect timing. They cease my body's natural hormone fluctuations and replace them with the medications I am taking by injection. Click here to read about this time last cycle.

I had a little scare this morning when I was handed my instructions for the coming days.

I was supposed to decrease my Lupron from 20 units to 10 units this morning? I already gave myself 20 units! I was supposed to add a low dose HCG injection this morning? Andy was supposed to start his antibiotics this morning? Um, what?

Keep in mind that it was already 10 am and my medications are supposed to be done no later than 8 am. In a frantic I jumped in the car to get back home as fast as I could so that I could inject myself with the other medication and grab Andy's medication to take by his work. On the way back to my house, I phoned my work to let them know not to look for me anytime soon. I also phoned my clinic in Charleston to find out why they waited until this morning to tell me this rather important information. We did, after all, pay them the equivalent of a 5 series BMW this year, so I expect nothing short of awesomeness from them.

My nurse is out of the office on vacation. Sweet ridiculousness. I left a voicemail with one of the other nurses explaining the situation and she called me back not even 5 minutes later. She said that it was okay that I took the extra Lupron and that we would just lower it tomorrow morning. The HCG injection could be given this evening with my Follistim injection, Andy could start his antibiotics tonight, and HCG could be added with the lower dose Lupron tomorrow morning. Whew. I'm confused. I know you are too.

The truckload of meds arrived last Friday and I already have them organized and ready to go. Thankfully I don't have to deal with the fear of the unknown this time. Looking at all of the vials isn't quite as overwhelming.

I took my first Follistim injection this evening to begin the stimulation phase. I'm so ready for my ovaries to feel like bowling balls again. Please let it work this time...I don't know how much longer my body and mental health can take this! I will say that this will be the ultimate test to find out the true quality of my eggs. If they are still degenerated after this perfect cycle without a cyst, then we may have a major problemo.

My next appointment is this Thursday. I believe they will just be doing bloodwork. I will probably have to go in sometime this weekend for an ultrasound. Please keep us in your prayers! I will be in touch:)

Word of the Month: Ridiculousness

I'm sure most of my infertile blogger friends read Naomi's blog on a daily basis. If not, check it out. It may not seem funny to fertiles, but it's the raw truth about infertility jacked up with sarcasm. This girl cracks me up!!!

999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility


Hey, I have to find some way to laugh at the ridiculousness that has become my life...

Everything continues to go as planned. I'm still doing double Lupron injections every morning. I'm starting to get some belly bruises, but not too bad yet. I started my cycle this a.m., which was expected after stopping the birth control pills. I am ecstatic because this didn't happen on time during our first cycle! This means that the cyst is definitely not there and that my estrogen level has dropped. I go back for a scan and bloodwork on Monday morning to make sure everything is clear so that I can start the stimulation meds. They will also do an antral follicle count so that I can get an idea of how many possible follicles there will be to stimulate. It varies month by month...last month I had 17. So far, this has been a textbook cycle.

I can't wait to take a picture of this truckload of meds...they increased the doses which means I will probably have to choose between keeping food or medications in my fridge!

In other news, I'm about to be an aunt for the second time this year...my sister is about to have her baby girl! Anytime now!

Andy is heading down to Charleston tomorrow to drop his load at the clinic. Lucky him.
They will be separated and frozen so that they won't be hastily searching for soldiers on retrieval day. We should have plenty to choose from this time. Now, if the eggs will just cooperate.

Geez, I could have used a little more couth up there...you have to admit it was pretty funny though. Besides, we've lost all modesty nowadays. Wanna know how we accomplished that? I've put my legs up in stirrups about 500 times in the past 4.5 years. Andy has become a professional sharpshooter into the depths of a sterile container, all the while cheap porn drowns out the laughter of lab personnel on the other side of the door. Top that.

Ridiculousness. Lol.

Smooth Sailing

No pain!!! No cyst!!! Could this finally be it?

It wasn't there last month either. I wonder if my body is finally going to cooperate.

I'm beginning to think that it had something to do with all of the caffeine I was consuming...I haven't had a drop of it since August. I know caffeine causes fibrocystic breast changes, and just recently learned that it can cause ovarian cysts as well. Water is swell, but I sure do miss my morning bottle of Diet Pepsi!

I began my Lupron injections this morning, and will continue it every day for the entire cycle. They doubled my dose to 20 units in hopes that it will keep the cyst far, far away. If you remember last time, the Lupron is to suppress my ovaries until they are ready to add the stimulation drugs to the mix.

I know I said that last weekend would be my last football game of the season, but, well, you know...things change. My good friend is going to treat us to a weekend in Knoxville for the Carolina/Tenn game! Yay! Plus, Halloween is getting old around here...it's no fun with just the two of us handing out candy all night. We get jealous that we can't be out there with our own kids! Oh well, maybe next year...

We hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloweenie weekend!

The Islands Will Have To Wait

Hopefully, we can finally slather a baby in sunblock and take him with us to the islands instead.

IVF #2. Just so you know, it's a go.

The past few weeks have been crazy busy and I have had a hard time trying to find the time to sit down and give an update! I took on a side job to try to make some extra money for our cycles and it has been keeping me on my toes.

Today is cycle day 12. As of now, I'm back on the birth control pills and have been for a little over a week. I had an ultrasound on day 3 which showed that the "little cyst" had once again resolved...if I could just reach in there and beat the crap out of it I would! The goal is to keep me from ovulating while on the pill this time. I'm carefully monitoring myself for any discomfort down there as well as using an ovulation predictor test. So far, the tests have been negative, but it's still too early to tell. I always know when the cyst is rearing its ugly head. If I feel it, I will be calling my doctor that very second so that he can schedule an ultrasound. We've invested too much into this and we're not playing around or experimenting anymore. We are our own best advocates, right?

What happens if the cyst comes back? I was told that I need to pack up and head to Charleston to have it aspirated. Since the cyst and the hormones it was secreting affected my egg quality and the outcome of our 1st cycle, the sooner we get rid of it the better. Hopefully it won't come to that. I'm finding myself more uptight and worried this time around. I'm sure it's because I'm afraid that I'm going to have the same outcome as our 1st cycle. I just wish things would come easy to us...just this once. Fingers crossed!

On another note, the H1N1 has officially entered my workplace. I work in a hospital, so it was inevitable to begin with. A lot of us were unknowingly exposed, so we're praying that it doesn't spread like wildfire. So far, only a few employees are out, so we'll see. My concern is if I get it while going through a cycle...would a fever harm our eggs/sperm? I have the vaccine available to me, but I've weighed the risks vs. benefits and decided against it for personal reasons. Even if I received the vaccine today, I've already been exposed so it does me no good...considering it takes about 2 weeks to build up enough antibodies anyway. Besides, I think the media has completely blown it out of proportion.

If everything goes as planned, I have another ultrasound next week and will start my Lupron injections. Let's hope my insurance company accidentally pays for it again this time:) They didn't even pay for my pregnancy blood test last cycle, so I'm going to suck them for all they are worth!

This Saturday is the last Carolina game we can attend this season and I'm so excited! Our cycle will get in the way of the remaining home games, but I don't care. I love Carolina, but finally having a little family is our number one priority. My parents and sister are going with us, so it should be a good time!

I will be in touch:)

Another Award!

Thanks to Jess at Babyparamore.blogspot.com for nominating me for my 2nd award! She is a source of unbelievable inspiration to me. She and her husband have been trying to conceive for over four years and have experienced four miscarriages. I had no idea that such a huge infertility community existed on Blogspot...it has turned into one big awesome support group. I'm so grateful for the friends I've made, especially Jess. She rocks! We've already promised each other we're going to hop on a plane to each other's baby showers, ha!



All we need is a little LOVE! This blog award is about sisters uniting together and giving others some love because life is hard and who couldn't use a little love? The rules for this award are simple.

I LOVE YOU=8 letters which gives you 8 rules:


Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4-Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love

5. Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.

6. You can not nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all

7-Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.

8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.


I can't name just 17...all of the blogs I follow are fantabulous! So, if you read my blog, then I nominate you.

IVF or the Island Life?

Our visit to Charleston went very well! Our doctor had a lot of positive things to say, and we left more optimistic about going through with IVF #2. We have been a little skeptical over the past month about whether we should go through with it again, or just accept our losses and move to the islands:)

What went wrong? Well, Dr. P said that he and the two other doctors in the practice have been steadily trying to figure this out over the past month. Everything was perfect...I responded to the medications, my estrogen levels went up accordingly, the follicles grew, and the eggs were harvested.

Remember the "little" cyst that delayed my cycle? Well, it did a little more than delay the cycle. That son of a gun messed it all up. With most women, an ovarian cyst will not affect the outcome of the cycle. This is why they didn't pay it much attention.

To explain this better, I should not have ovulated or developed a cyst while on the birth control pills...we already knew this. When you start a fresh cycle, they want all of the follicles to be uniform in size. Apparently, the cyst was causing my estrogen levels to stay elevated, which in turn caused two of the follicles to prematurely develop before I started the stimulation meds. These two huge follicles continued to grow and kept growing in front of the others throughout the entire stimulation. They were just planning on letting those go (not using them) while proceeding to grow the smaller follicles. With most women this works out great. I, on the other hand, do not have the reproductive system that agrees with these odds. In the end, the two big follicles interfered with the development of the smaller follicles. Hence, my outcome: 8 retrieved, 3 immature, 4 degenerated, 1 fertilized.

Was this my fault? No.

Dr. P said that if anyone is to blame, it is them for not paying closer attention to the cyst which led to the overdeveloped follicles. Now that he knows that I'm Murphy's best friend, the plan is to over-monitor my next cycle. He did a post-IVF ultrasound which looked great...my ovaries are back down to size, lining is great, and a follicle count of 17. Woohoo! I do have a small fibroid, but he said that it is out of the way and it won't interfere with anything. He recommended that we try to go ahead with cycle 2 while everything looked clear. Which means in about 1 week. Oh my goodness.

I will have an ultrasound on Day 3 of birth control this time to check for any "little" cysts. If one grows, then he said I need to pack up and head to Charleston that day to have it aspirated before it causes any problems. Talk about being proactive!

I will have more ultrasounds this time around...if anything looks questionable at any point in the cycle, I will have to drive to Charleston so that they can do an ultrasound themselves.

They will be increasing the doses on Lupron, Follistim, and micro-HCG. Also, Andy will have his sperm frozen ahead of time so that they will have more to choose from. Dr. P said that the 2nd cycle usually has a better outcome because they know what they're working with. He feels very optimistic that everything will turn out fine this time around.

Now we have a big decision to make...we can go for it now while all is clear, or risk it by waiting until after the holidays. My gut is telling me that now is the right time. We've waited long enough and it's time to get this show on the road. As always, I'm worried about taking so much time off work. I absolutely love my job, but I've got to make this my priority.

We will lay it all out on the table over the next week and pray that the answer comes to us.

Although we haven't really ruled out that whole moving to the islands idea:)

My First Blog Award...Sweet!

Babyparamore.blogspot.com has given me my first blog award!!!
Thank you so much Jessica!
This award comes with some rules and a survey I have to fill out.

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word (Yeah right...we know that won't happen!)
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? Couch
2. Your hair? Long (Doing Locks of Love)
3. Your mother? My biggest supporter...hands down.
4. Your father? The Best
5. Your favorite food? Popcorn
6. Your dream last night? Had a baby that was shaped like a starfish and people were trying to steal it from me. k.
7. Your favorite drink? Weekday: Water...Weekend: Alcohol
8. Your dream/goal? Mother
9. What room are you in? Living Room
10. Your hobby? Gym
11. Your fear? Childless
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Picking my child up from school
13. Where were you last night? Driving back from Charleston
14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant
15. Muffins? Chocolate Chip
16. Wish list item? Infertility Debt Forgiveness Program...ha!
17. Where did you grow up? North Augusta, SC
18. Last thing you did? Watch Football
19. What are you wearing? My Gamecock Gear!
20. Your TV? On, of course...it's gameday!
21. Your pets? My doggie...Ellie May
22. Friends? After last cycle, I now know who the true ones are:)
23. Your life? Uncertain
24. Your mood? Pumped!
25. Missing someone? Leeann!
26. Vehicle? Garnet Ford Explorer Sport (gotta have a gamecockmobile)
27. Something you’re not wearing? Underwear
28. Your favorite store? Hobby Lobby
29. Your favorite color? Purple
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Last Friday
32. Your best friend? My husband
33. One place that I go to over and over? Doctor's office
34. One person who emails me regularly? Amanda & Mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Hmmmm...Mexican, Bonefish, California Dreaming, McCalister's, Wild Wing Cafe, Chinese, Japanese, Sushi, Blue Sky Kitchen, Mellow Mushroom, Pizza Joint...that was one word, right?

Recipients
1. Melissa at Banking on a Family
2. Naomi at 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
3. FC at Fertility Chick
4. Shanny at I did, I do, I will
5. Megan at Infertile Myrtle
6. Lu at Fertility Foibles


................................................................................

We did see our doctor in Charleston yesterday and he had a lot to say! I'm trying to gather my thoughts to write a post regarding the appointment. However, it's Saturday and college football is calling my name! I will be in touch!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Sorry to be MIA, but all is good here! We have our WTF? appointment this Friday morning in Charleston...can't wait to find out our next step. We've been able to enjoy a couple of Gamecock football games and celebrate my Grandparent's 80th birthday with a huge reunion that my Aunt and Uncle threw together. We were also able to travel to the mountains of North Carolina this past weekend to meet our new niece for the first time!

I came across the following essay and would like to share it. The author is unknown, but I sure would like to meet her because she took the words right out of my mouth!


Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I WILL be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

The Scream Machine

Well, they say that infertility is a neverending emotional roller coaster. It takes forever to get to the top of each hill, and then it feeds you a huge adrenaline rush as it drops you 80 mph down the other side. Before you know it, you're twisting and turning upside down while being spit into dark tunnels. You just never know how you're going to come out on the other side. It's not for the faint of heart, it costs an arm and a leg to even get on the damn ride, and the short people are jealous because they can't join in on the fun. Well, maybe not that last part but it sounded good. It's just not fair. Most people come out alive, but not without a story to tell.

Our beta pregnancy test was negative today, but we're actually okay. Disappointed, but okay. After 4.5 years, it never really gets easier to hear "not this time"...we have just learned to tolerate it a little better. We could feel a little more upset tomorrow, but it usually comes in waves. So if we just don't feel like talking about it, please don't be offended. We don't want people to pity us or be uncomfortable around us...it's just the hand that we've been dealt and we have to accept it regardless of the outcome. I cheated anyway the entire weekend with home pregnancy tests, so I was prepared to hear it. Plus, I just never really "felt" anything. Over the years I've learned to read my body and it wasn't telling me anything different. Then again, I have never been pregnant, so that intuition could prove me wrong one day.

We're not sure when we're going to try again because it all depends on saving the money to pay for meds/ultrasounds again. Plus, we have to save up vacation time at work to be able to take time off for another cycle. We are going to schedule our "WTF?" appointment in the coming month so that we can sit down with our doctor, figure out what went wrong, and map out our next plan of action. We can definitely learn from this cycle so that we know what to do differently next time. Maybe different meds, a longer/shorter stimulation period, etc. We were told that it could take 2-3 cycles on average, so we have to be mentally prepared for that. We'll see what he has to say.

We're proud of Deuce. He put up a good fight and we're gonna miss him. Atleast I have pictures of the first ever Andyjessica at a cellular level...most people just get peanuts:)

For now, I have ripped off my estrogen patches and graciously stopped the progesterone wahoohoo suppositories. We may even head to the Carolina/UGA game this weekend and partake in some adult beverages with friends because...well...because we can.

We want to thank everyone again for the wonderful support. You have been awesome and all we ask is that you continue to keep us in your prayers. One day we will get off of this "Scream Machine" and hopefully have a +positive+ story to tell.

Sticky Vibes

Isn't this picture a bit disturbing? Fitting, but disturbing!

I finally got my butt out of bed this morning and went back to work. I don't think I've ever slept as much as I did over the past 4 days! The bedrest was much needed, and it definitely helped me to recoup from the stress we experienced around this time last week. I continue to be on activity restriction, so I volunteered to be the phone nurse at work for the week. It's an annoying job, but the only thing strenuous about it is pulling a few hairs out of my head every 10 minutes, so it'll do.

I had to start taking progesterone suppositories 3x/day (Yes, while I'm at work...and I'll spare you the classy details) and 2 estrogen patches to my abdomen every other day. This is because my body isn't producing them like it would after normal ovulation. These two hormones support the lining of the uterus, as well as an actual pregnancy, so I have to have them. If an actual pregnancy occurs, I have to continue them them up until about 10 weeks of pregnancy. This is when the placenta would be functioning enough to produce enough of the hormones on its own.

I'm feeling pretty good but it's a little difficult to keep the anxiety away. I think about it atleast once every 5 minutes and wish I didn't have to wait another week to see if it worked! The progesterone makes my body feel as if it's pregnant anyway...extreme hunger, hot flashes, abdominal tenderness, sore udders, the usual. I have been eating like a wild boar and I can't stop! It's so early, and there's no way of distinguishing the side effects of meds between pregnancy symptoms.

I'm going to let myself enjoy the rest of this week because this is the closest I have ever been to being pregnant. I will cherish every little pinch I feel to my abdomen and pray that Deuce is making himself at home. The IVF community also terms this phase as "pregnant until proven otherwise" haha! God has a plan, and we will try be patient and get our answer soon.

Our family and friends have been awesome and we want to thank y'all again! From the meals, visits, texts, calls, blog comments, prayer lists, care packages, etc...it is so overwhelming. We are thankful for each and every one of you! Hopefully, we will have a happy ending to our story soon!

We hope everyone has a fun and safe Labor Day/football weekend! I will be taking another weekend filled with R&R, but the ESPN will be in full force. GOOOOO COCKS!

Deuce Bigalow

All of our prayers were answered and everything went smoothly and as planned this morning. Thank you all SO MUCH for the prayers! We have the best friends and family ever.

Our little embaby was 8 cells this morning and our doctor said it's structure looked pretty good. They look for the shape of the cells and if any chunks are floating around outside of it and he said that it was good enough for transfer according to their standards. He was disappointed at how my ovaries responded and said that it looked like I had poor ovarian function for a woman my age, which may explain why we can't get pregnant naturally. If there comes a time that we have to do this again, God forbid, then we may have to look into egg donors. We're not going to worry about that right now...we will cross that bridge if we have to! The main thing we need to concentrate on is that we did grow 1 good embryo, and that's all it takes!

We nicknamed the embaby "Deuce" on Monday when it was just two cells...I know, we're crazy. It was Andy's idea though. Technically, it is a baby so it had to have a name. Deuce has been the little engine that could, and he definitely beat a lot of odds this week. We are so grateful that everything turned out perfectly today. God is good.

I had to take a Valium and an antibiotic one hour before the transfer this morning. Needless to say, any anxiety I had was null and void by the time I wobbled into the office. I was feeling pretty doped up. I also had to go in with a full bladder, and of course I chugged twice the recommended amount of water just to make sure it was full enough. (((Pop))). The full bladder pushed my uterus down which helped them to better visualize the transfer on the ultrasound monitor. There was a team of about 6 people in the room for the procedure. It was basically like a pap smear, no discomfort whatsoever. The nurse held the ultrasound monitor on my abdomen and when the doctor said "go" the embryologist sucked Deuce up into a tiny catheter, then the doctor thread the catheter into my uterus and placed him exactly where he needed to be with ultrasound guidance. The embryologist then placed the catheter under a microscope to make sure that Deuce was gone.

I have been on bed rest today and then activity restriction until Friday. I'm afraid to move! I feel like he's going to fall out, but the doctor assured me that after a couple of days, normal day to day activities will not affect the outcome. Of course I can't do any strenuous activities, and going to the gym is out of the question, but I will sacrifice anything for this baby to stick! My doctor said it's okay to go back home tomorrow, so that's our plan. It will be nice to lay around the house and do absolutely nothing!

And now, without further ado, we introduce Deuce! The first picture is a little distorted but is the 8 cell embaby, and the second pic is my ultrasound with the arrow pointing to Deuce in my uterus. They said that implantation occurs in 3 to 4 days, and we will find out if it worked on September 8th. Please send baby dust our way and pray that this baby sticks!!! Love to all!

Our Petri Dish is Pregnant!

That's right! We have an embryo growing in the lab as of this morning. Unfortunately, only one fertilized and it was with the help of ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection). The photograph to the right helps to visualize the process. This is when the embryologist finds a good sperm cell and injects it into the egg with a tiny needle. It is amazing what they can do nowadays. He said that he had a hard time finding a good sperm cell to inject into the egg, but we are just thankful that we have one that fertilized. That is much better than getting a phone call that said none of them fertilized.

They retrieved 8 eggs from my surgery yesterday, 5 of which were mature. The other 3 were described as "degenerative"...I'll know more about what that means once we talk to my doctor later this week. I would have asked the embryologist this morning, but I was still trying to register in my mind that there was only one embryo. Our doctor had estimated that 5 would fertilize, but this was before the results of the sperm sample were back. Overall, the surgery went well...I got a nice dose of "Michael Jackson" and slept most of yesterday and all through the night. Now I know why he liked that stuff! I'm still a little sore today, but they said that is normal. Apparently, my ovaries are supposed to fill up with fluid after the retrieval, so I'm trying to stay hydrated and rest as much as I can.

The next 48 hours are critical in the little embaby's development. It has to divide properly or it won't be viable enough to use. Right now it is at the stage where mine and Andy's chromosomes have welded together...They want it to have atleast divided into 8 cells by Wednesday morning. We need all of the prayers we can get right now. Who knew it would be so hard for us to achieve one of the simplest things in human nature! If it looks viable on Wednesday morning, then they will put it inside of my uterus at 11:15 am. We are still in Charleston and will stay here for the time being. We went ahead and took the week off work so that we wouldn't have to deal with the stress of this along with work matters. Plus, I'm on activity restriction from my doctor, and will be on bedrest if the transfer takes place on Wednesday.

Andy's thoughts on the matter are that he beat all of the odds when his mother was pregnant with him, so he doesn't see why our embaby shouldn't survive! Andy was a Lippes Loop IUD baby...oh yeah. Conceived and baked for 9 months with an IUD smashed up against his face the entire time. He had a 50/50 chance of surviving with the IUD inside of his mother. If she would have had it removed, it would have aborted the pregnancy.

So that's our hope. Our little embaby is the "golden egg". This is completely out of my body and hands now. It is now up to God to decide if it's time for us to become parents.

Please please pray that our embaby looks like this on Wednesday! We will be in touch!

Trigger Happy

Ladies and Gents...(well, whatever gents would care to read about my gonads on a daily basis)... I am RIPE! My follicles are mature and my uterine lining looks "beautiful" according to my doctor. All of my follicles did a lot of growing overnight and they counted 6 at maturity today. After speaking with my nurse, my estrogen level has jumped from 800 to 2500 which is supposedly where it needs to be. However, because of my estrogen level, they said that there are more than 6 follicles. Not sure where they are hiding, but they better cooperate this weekend!

I have been instructed to stop all of the injections that I've been taking for the past month (my poor bruised belly loves that idea) and administer my "trigger" injection tonight at 10:00 p.m. sharp. I already have it mixed, in the fridge, and waiting to be drawn up! I have to be in Columbia at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow for my last round of bloodwork because my Augusta doctor will not be open. Surgery for my retrieval will be on Sunday at 8:30 a.m in Charleston.

We'll probably head down to Charleston tomorrow evening so that we will already be there and ready to go. I can't believe this is actually happening...I never thought that I'd be able to do IVF! Yay!

A big shout out to my Sister-In-Law who is in labor right now...good luck and we love you! Can't wait to meet our niece Haley soon!

I will probably be zonked from anesthesia on Sunday, but I will update as soon as I'm back to my old self. I hope they give me some good drugs. Wish us luck!!!

This Is Your Ovary...And This Is Your Ovary On Drugs.

***Note: These are not my ultrasound pics...however, this is very similar to what I see each time I get an ultrasound. Each black area is a follicle on the ovary. The bottom half of the pic is a stimulated ovary***

We are almost there!!! Yay! I have about 5 mature follicles along with quite a few smaller ones. My labs look really good and they told me that I was almost ready for retrieval. I was told to take another stimulation shot tonight, then my other injections in the morning before going back to the doctor for more labwork and another ultrasound. My nurse believes that I will have to "trigger" tomorrow night and have the retrieval on Sunday morning in Charleston. My appointment tomorrow will give us the final answer. Let's hope I don't have to wait almost TWO hours to be called back like I did today! I guess they don't care that you have to take off work every other day to do this.

The trigger injection is one of the most critical parts of the cycle. It induces the final maturation of the eggs, loosens the egg's attachment from the follicle wall, and allows for timing of the egg retrieval. It basically prepares my body for ovulation...however, my doctor will manually ovulate me before my body does the deed itself. I will have the retrieval exactly 36 hours after I give myself the trigger.

The trigger is called HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) and is the same hormone that is present in pregnancy. This hormone is what makes a pee stick turn positive when you are preggo. Therefore, if I try to pee on a stick (too much info, I know) in the next couple of weeks, it will say that I'm pregnant. The only way to confirm that the IVF works is through a blood test 14 days after the retrieval.

I know this because I had to take this injection with all 6 of my IUI's and made the mistake of testing too early. It is pretty cool to see a positive on a pregnancy test though. Sometimes I would just do it for the fun of it, haha!

And P.S...My ovaries don't feel like peaches, they feel like WATERMELONS!

Insane!!!

Just read this article and thought I would share. Absolutely incredible. Hopefully we'll have some frozen embryos for the next litter!

Celine Dion Pregnant With Embryo Frozen for 8 Years

Just Peachy...

I have been a nervous wreck all day. I have got to stop reading IVF horror stories on the internet. I even had my mother on the brink of throwing up all day. Sorry mom!

I don't really remember much from today up until my nurse finally called me back around 2:30 this afternoon. When I went in this morning, they measured 4 medium follicles (cysts containing eggs) ranging in size from 11mm to 15 mm. This is the exact size they want them to be at this point in time. There were several smaller follicles that may contain eggs, but they don't measure those. They may "catch up" before retrieval, who knows. Of course, I've learned how to read the ultrasound monitor and saw a big black blob on the left ovary! They hate me. Nurses can be the worst patients. Anyway, there is a big fat follicle measuring about 22 mm on that side....which translates to almost an inch. I knew I felt something...I've been going through this long enough to know my body all too well. The Augusta doctor can't give me his opinion because he's not technically my doctor, so I got to play the waiting game all day!

I picked up the phone when the nurse called expecting to hear that I was going to be cancelled, as I had spent the entire day convincing myself that this was the case. Not to be pessimistic, but I have to mentally prepare myself for bad news because, unfortunately, it is the norm when it comes to infertility. She wasn't concerned about it right now!!! Thank you God. She referred to it as a mature follicle and said that we would continue to push through the cycle. My estrogen came back normal at 800 which is good. She said we will keep our fingers crossed that everything continues to go according to plan, and that I will be rechecked on Thursday morning. I've read that some women go in for the retrieval surgery and they were able to obtain more eggs than were seen on the ultrasounds. Let's face it, I'm not 21 anymore...Four eggs are better than nothing, but the more I can get the better the chances of a successful outcome.

Another interesting tidbit I learned from my doctor today...an ovary is normally the size of a grape. In a patient undergoing stimulation for IVF, it is about the size of a peach. Hmmmmm....

Migraines and Gonads

This morning, I went to the doctor to have my bloodwork drawn. I must say that it's a lot easier to drive through downtown on a Sunday morning. My appointment was originally scheduled to be yesterday, but my Augusta doctor was only scheduled to be open this morning. Instead of making me drive to Charleston, they let me delay my labwork by a day. My nurse called me back this afternoon to tell me that my estrogen level looks good! I will take the same dose of medications tonight and in the morning, but I will have to decrease the night med (Follistim) beginning tomorrow night. Don't ask me why...I just do what they tell me to do, haha! My guess is because they don't want my estrogen to go above a certain level, so they have to titrate the dose to keep it where they want it to be. My next appointment will be Tuesday morning and will include labwork as well as an ultrasound.

I was feeling pretty good up until about Friday...I woke up nauseated with a massive migraine and I'm pretty sure it was either from stimulation meds or caffeine withdrawal. I couldn't even function at work for most of the day, but was able to get through it. I'm not supposed to take any ibuprofen or aspirin products because it may affect the lining of my uterus, but I had to do it. Excedrin Migraine is my new best friend.

I'm also feeling a bit of pressure and bloating in the gonad region...I just think that gonad is a funny word. Anyway, I know it's because I probably have, like, 18 eggs growing on my ovaries at this very point in time...but I can't seem to get it out of my mind that the cyst is growing back. I will know once I have the ultrasound Tuesday morning. I'm not sure what they will do if I have a cyst...I know they can do surgery to aspirate them, or....cancel the cycle. Dear God, please let it be 18 eggs. I think that I'm just stressing, which is human nature considering all that we have been through to get to this point. Just like I said before, I have to put it in God's hands.

In other news, I was able to attend my little sister's first baby shower on Saturday. It was hosted by our second mom and sistas from another mister...the Thomas girls. Thanks for a great time...y'all are the best!

Holy Medicines, Batman!

The cyst is GONE and my hormone levels are non-existent!!! Popopowwwww! My nurse called after my appointment this morning to let me know that my labs look great and that we are ready to begin the stimulation phase tomorrow! How's that for answered prayers?!?

My medications have arrived and have literally taken over my bedroom dresser. I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all, but I have instructions typed out by my doctor to let me know what to take and when to take it. The two medications that I begin tomorrow are Low Dose HCG and Follistim. These drugs will mimic two hormones that are normally present in egg developement, FSH and LH. The amount that I get via injection is higher than the levels a woman would produce naturally, which will result in my body producing multiple eggs as opposed to only one.

I will start mixing the HCG with my Lupron injection and give that to myself every morning. The Follistim came with a fancy cartridge and injection pen which I will give to myself every evening. I had to watch a few videos from my pharmacy's website to learn how to load the cartridge and administer that one. It's the most expensive one out of the bunch, coming to a whopping $1800...Ouch! I sure don't want to mess that one up!

At this point I will start going to the doctor more often for labs and ultrasounds. They will adjust my doses every couple of days depending on how my hormone levels and follicles respond. My next appointment is on Saturday...fun! If my Augusta doctor is not available, I will have to go to Charleston for this appointment. I will know more later this week. I guess it's apparent that my reproductive system doesn't operate on a Monday-Friday schedule!

Andy gets the honor of starting a medication tomorrow too...it's an antibiotic that we will both be taking to prevent any germs from interfering with the process. For example, we would hate for a simple UTI to mess everything up.

We are excited to finally get started with this cycle. I'm not sure how long I will have to take the stimulation medications because it all depends on how I respond. In an attempt to decrease the stress of it all, we will just put it in God's hands and take it one day at a time.

The Little Cyst That Could...

I went in for another ultrasound/labwork this morning. As it turns out, the "Little" cyst is still hanging around. My nurse called me this afternoon to inform me that my estrogen was still elevated and that the Lupron had not suppressed it. From what I understand, I probably ovulated through the birth control pills. Because of this, the ovulation left a cyst on my ovary which is producing estrogen. This probably explains why I have yet to start my period...the estrogen level has to drop in order for it to occur. Also, if I were to begin the stimulation meds without my estrogen being low, then that would put me at risk for OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). You can read about it here:
http://www.ivf-infertility.com/ivf/standard/complications/ovarian_stimulation/ohss.php


Hey, atleast we're dealing with elevated estrogen instead of elevated testosterone! I don't need anything else to shave:)

Instead of beginning my new medications tomorrow, I will continue the Lupron injections to try to suppress my system. I have to go back Tuesday morning for another ultrasound and more labwork to see if we've made any progress. If so, I will begin my stimulation meds next week. If not, I will probably continue Lupron until the cyst is gone and my hormones are null and void.

So far, I am feeling good. We are a little disappointed that this cycle is being delayed, but there is a reason for everything! I was so scared that they were going to cancel it, which means a lot of moolah and emotional investment would have been flushed down the toilet. We have been through a lot thus far, so it is easier to mentally prepare for setbacks. We have learned that this entire journey is about playing the waiting game. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and patience is extremely hard but definitely a virtue when it comes down to it. As you may have guessed, our original dates for egg retrieval and transfer will be changed. Hopefully, we will have a better idea next week!

We would also like to give a shout out to Andy's sister, who will be having a little girl any day now!!! This is her first baby, as well as the first niece in the family. We love her and wish her the best of luck with delivery!

I think I can...I think I can....choo choo!

Back To Reality...

Annnnd...we're back from the beach! It was sooo good to get away, but I feel like I need to sleep a week to recover! I was able to "let loose" for the last time to get everything out of my system. Our vacation was filled with lots of bike rides, beach time, beer, sunsets, beer, excruciating sunburn, beer, good food, beer, and the obligatory Hucko drama. Speaking of excruciating sunburn...my mother, father, brother, Andy, and myself were confined to the beach canopy, a.k.a. "Burn Unit", for the last half of the week because of our irresponsiblity with sunblock. Must have been the beer. We arrived each day donned with SPF 50 and packed ourselves in like sardines underneath the canopy. I must say it was pretty humorous. Note to self: reapply sunscreen after 2 hours.

I stopped my birth control on 7/23 and began my Lupron injections on Sunday 7/26. My belly is a little bruised and sore, but not too bad. As suspected, I have had the hot flashes, irritability, and a little nausea. One thing that I have noticed is I am extremely anxious and having trouble sleeping. I'm not sure if it is the medicine or if I'm just nervous about the rest of the month in general. Today, I called my mail order pharmacy to request that the next round of medications be shipped. The pharmacist says, "Oh wow, your doctor called in quite a few medications this time." She then proceeded to spout out a list of about 7 medications that I couldn't even pronounce if I tried! They'll be calling me back tomorrow with the final price and to collect payment before they ship them out. Do you think my insurance company will not recognize them as infertility medications and cover them by accident?!? Fat chance, but it would be pretty entertaining to rip them off for once:)

I go back to the doctor on Friday for more labwork and another ultrasound. They also told me that I would have another menstrual cycle this week as well, so I'm waiting on that to happen. I'm praying that the cyst has disappeared, but we will know for sure on Friday! They are also supposed to counsel me on how to give myself those other medications. If all goes well, I should start those on Saturday.

After much persuasion, we were able to get a few family pics on the beach! These are our first family pics in over 10 years as well! I've posted all of them on facebook, but here are a few of my faves. Enjoy:)

With momma...

The Aunts and Grammy lovin' on my sister's baby bump


With our sweet daddy:)

Annnndddd....The Burn Unit:)