Well, they say that infertility is a neverending emotional roller coaster. It takes forever to get to the top of each hill, and then it feeds you a huge adrenaline rush as it drops you 80 mph down the other side. Before you know it, you're twisting and turning upside down while being spit into dark tunnels. You just never know how you're going to come out on the other side. It's not for the faint of heart, it costs an arm and a leg to even get on the damn ride, and the short people are jealous because they can't join in on the fun. Well, maybe not that last part but it sounded good. It's just not fair. Most people come out alive, but not without a story to tell.
Our beta pregnancy test was negative today, but we're actually okay. Disappointed, but okay. After 4.5 years, it never really gets easier to hear "not this time"...we have just learned to tolerate it a little better. We could feel a little more upset tomorrow, but it usually comes in waves. So if we just don't feel like talking about it, please don't be offended. We don't want people to pity us or be uncomfortable around us...it's just the hand that we've been dealt and we have to accept it regardless of the outcome. I cheated anyway the entire weekend with home pregnancy tests, so I was prepared to hear it. Plus, I just never really "felt" anything. Over the years I've learned to read my body and it wasn't telling me anything different. Then again, I have never been pregnant, so that intuition could prove me wrong one day.
We're not sure when we're going to try again because it all depends on saving the money to pay for meds/ultrasounds again. Plus, we have to save up vacation time at work to be able to take time off for another cycle. We are going to schedule our "WTF?" appointment in the coming month so that we can sit down with our doctor, figure out what went wrong, and map out our next plan of action. We can definitely learn from this cycle so that we know what to do differently next time. Maybe different meds, a longer/shorter stimulation period, etc. We were told that it could take 2-3 cycles on average, so we have to be mentally prepared for that. We'll see what he has to say.
We're proud of Deuce. He put up a good fight and we're gonna miss him. Atleast I have pictures of the first ever Andyjessica at a cellular level...most people just get peanuts:)
For now, I have ripped off my estrogen patches and graciously stopped the progesterone wahoohoo suppositories. We may even head to the Carolina/UGA game this weekend and partake in some adult beverages with friends because...well...because we can.
We want to thank everyone again for the wonderful support. You have been awesome and all we ask is that you continue to keep us in your prayers. One day we will get off of this "Scream Machine" and hopefully have a +positive+ story to tell.
