Baby Mama

One year ago yesterday, we were saying goodbye to our little Giblet and I wrote this post. Guess what we were doing last night...exactly one year later.

Picking out our Baby Mama!!!!

Shut up you say? No joke. It's the real deal and we're almost ready to get this ball rolling!

On Tuesday, I received an email from the donor coordinator at our clinic. Attached was a link and assigned password to the website that houses their donor pool. Our directions were to review the available profiles and submit our top three picks. Each donor profile included a picture of them as a baby, their height, weight, hair/eye color, body type, family profile, genetic history, sexual history...and so much more. Basically, anything that I would want to ask someone about their life or family was on their profile. It was extremely detailed.

We were so confused because we thought that we would just get "a call" to let us know that we had been matched. I guess that we'll just have to learn how this all works along the way. I have emailed the coordinator to ask her what steps are next and an approximate timeline. She hasn't responded yet, so I will post that as soon as I hear. I know that she went over everything in detail during our appointment, but...come on. We had just been told that we had ovarian failure, craptastic eggs, and shitastic sperm. That day was a blur to say the least.

We have chosen to do what is called a split donor cycle. This means that the donor will split all of the eggs she produces and they will be divided equally between us and another couple. It is a heck of a lot cheaper, but has its setbacks. This is where it gets confusing. One couple is assigned primary recipient, while the other is the secondary. If the donor only produces, say, 5 eggs, then the secondary is dropped and all of the cycle goes to the primary. To make a long story short...the secondary could be on lupron/medicines for 3 months waiting for the donor to complete an IVF cycle, and then...zip, zero, zilch. All of that for nothing.

Soooo, of course we spent all Tuesday and Wednesday nights reviewing profiles and laying out the pros/cons of each girl. The only girls they gave us access to were the split cycle donors. There were only about 15 girls to choose from. To top it all off, most of the girls already had a primary couple assigned...meaning that we would have to sign on as secondary. None of the girls really stood out to the point of where we just said...she's the one. We've said all along that we'd like to have someone that somewhat resembles me, but it's not the end of the world if that doesn't happen. I'm 5'8" with black hair and dark brown eyes, and we were about to submit our top pick as a 5'2" blond hair, blue eyed, 105 pounder homecoming queen. And then the craziest thing happened.

I just knew it was God hooking us up.

Three more profiles magically appeared on our screen. I'm assuming they were adding new donors while we were logged on. Our eyes were instantly drawn to a picture of a little toddler on the beach. Huge smile, black hair, dark brown eyes. Her picture eerily resembled me when I was a baby. We clicked on her profile, and she was PERFECT. Her father is even French Canadian like my grandmother who just passed away. As an added plus, she has excellent teeth. If you read my previous post, then you'll understand my tooth fetish. Most importantly, she has done egg donor before. AND she didn't have a primary listed yet, so technically we would be first pick! It didn't show her outcome, so I'm going to ask our coordinator about that. I'm assuming that they wouldn't have let her back in the pool if she had negative results.

Honestly, I don't know what happens next. For all I know, we could start the cycle this month as opposed to April. I'm hoping that this means we get our first pick. As soon as I talk to our nurse, I will have more answers! If you've been reading our blog, then you know what kind of luck Andy and I have. We are trying very hard to be optimistic about the good karma we've had lately. In the end, it will all work out perfectly according to God's plan!

Please check out my sister's NEW BLOG! Yay! I love having new blogs to read...and she is a hoot. She's moving from Georgia to Chicago and I'm going to miss her so much:( Please head over and give her the same awesome support you all have shown me this past year!!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas/Holiday! Please pray for us!

Spirit of Christmas Past, Present, and Future

Hmmm. Since I've been MIA for almost TWO MONTHS, I have a head jumbled full of things to write about. Gosh, I hope that I still have some readers left. I've been trying to keep up with everyone's blogs, but it's been crazy around here as usual. My apologies. This post may be all over the place!

We finally mailed in our egg donor application! Actually, we mailed it right after my last post... almost two months ago. k. We figured that we would be more productive with getting everything in line knowing that our doctor could call us at any minute with a match. At our office, they have their own pool of donors and the waiting list to get matched is currently 5-6 months. So, we are basically standing in line with a bunch of other couples ahead of us. We could use an outside agency to make the process go faster, but that comes with a pretty hefty pricetag. We would have to pay the outside agency, travel expenses for the donor, plus pay our doctor.

And that ain't happenin'.

Soooooo.....for the past two months we have done several things to help prepare for "the call". Our nurse said that as soon as we get matched, the ball starts rolling pretty fast. We have to be ready to strike a check and get the cycle going in full force.

I present to you...our baby preparation. Bulleted.

• Refinanced the house. Finally. I threatened to abduct my banker's children and he was on it.
• Sold Andy's car (this past summer).
• Cashed out life insurance policies. As of now, there are no children to get the money anyway.
• Cashed out one 401k account. Hey, prevents taking out another loan. Otherwise, we will get the money when if we retire and have to turn around and pay off our B.S. infertility debt anyway. The penalty will be a heck of a lot less than the years of interest we'll pay on another loan.
• Had two years left to pay on my car, so we just went ahead and paid that off. This way, we free up a car payment to have more wiggle room when we buy Andy another car.
• Disconnected the home phone/internet. Replaced with cheap, unsecured internet. Awesome.
• Cut off cable and replaced with cheaper satellite. Double awesome.
• Canceled my crappy health insurance policy and added myself to Andy's policy.

After we combine all of this with our failed IVF refund and what my parents took out for us, we should be good to go. Since we have the best luck ever, if donor doesn't work out we will need this money to "just adopt".


Now, a bulleted list of what I wish I was doing with this money:

• Go on our 10 year anniversary trip next year. Happy Anniversary.
• Buy Christmas presents for our family. Merry Christmas.
• Take our child to get Christmas portraits made and send out cute little cards. Oh wait. Hello another childless Christmas.
• Pay for our child's education. Hello scholarships. 
• Have the money to raise our children. Hello welfare.
• Retire. Hello work until I'm found dead in the nurse's station.

Now, a bulleted list of what Andy wishes he could do with this money...he really compiled this for me:

• "Buy Jessica a nice diamond ring." Hello rock.
• "Buy myself a nice watch." Hello bling bling timepiece.
• "Go on a month-long cruise through the Mediterranean." Hello babies that we can steal and bring back to the U.S.

Other than this ridiculousness, everything is going good. We recently celebrated the first birthdays of both of our nieces. They are growing up so fast! We also spent Thanksgiving in the mountains with Andy's family and had a great visit with lots of awesome food. A couple of weeks ago, my blog buddy from Arizona came to visit! Her husband will be stationed here in Augusta for the next 5 months, so we showed him around town and got him settled in.

If I can just make it through the end of the year, I will be good. Maybe. This time of year is always centered around children, and it's getting more and more difficult to keep the Christmas spirit. I was pregnant and happier than I've ever been this time last year. I finally felt blessed and complete. I had something in common with most of the women on this Earth. Grrr. Whatever. I'll just sit back and drink smile while all of the cute little families do their thing. And do I even need to bring up Facebook posts this time of year? Pour me another.

At least I can drink unhealthy amounts of alcohol this Christmas.

Bah humbug.

The Perfect Dozen

So, Andy and I have been trying to fill out our egg donor application which is turning into an Olympic feat to say the least. Along with listing our own characteristics, we are having to tell them about our personality, temperament, hobbies, religion, ethnic background, etc.

The most important part is that we have to come up with two separate lists of characteristics that we require and desire in a donor. If you know us in real life, you could probably guess that this was very entertaining to us. Hey, this ridiculousness has been going on for nearly 6 years, so we have to find the humor in it. 

My intention is not to offend anybody by this post, nor be greedy and try to design the ideal child. When it comes down to it, we just want to be parents. However, you have to understand that this is the only child that Andy and I are going to have, and we are trying to request quantifiable traits that most closely resemble myself. People love to play the "Who does the child look like" game, and it's probably going to be *secretly* uncomfortable enough when someone tells me that our child has my eyes or nose, or looks nothing like me. I am not saying that it is all about looks. Please think of what you would want if you happened to be in our shoes. Genetics is a complete toss-up, so I'm happy that our child will at least be half Andy's. I will love our child regardless...but I have to be completely honest that a little piece of me is still hurting because I will not be able to carry on my family's genetic line...or my infamous ghetto booty.

Anyway, we were cracking up while creating this list...and we obviously got less serious towards the end. You will probably notice that I have a huge tooth fetish. Andy made me cross off the dental entries because he said that you can control how healthy a child's teeth are going to be by raising them with healthy habits. I disagree. I know for a fact that snaggles are genetic. I can make the child brush and floss, but if he or she only grows 8 permanent healthy teeth, then that's a problem. 

Drum roll....

Let me justify my double-jointed spider monkey toes:

 

And the bow staff...Napoleon Dynamite is my hero. Our kid better be this fly for a white guy:

I don't think the list is too much to ask. Of course, it is evident that several of these will not be on our application. Once we mail it in, we will have to undergo an excessive amount of lab testing, another saline sonogram, another trial transfer, go through counseling and be approved by a psychologist, and then be placed on a waiting list for a donor. Our nurse says that it takes an average of 6 months to be matched. Once matched, the entire cycle will take 3 months. 

We're not even close to mailing the application, so we're not even looking at anything happening until this time next year or later. For this, I would like to give a shout-out to our bank for our refinancing fiasco. I'm about to go postal on them. 

This is when I could really use Napoleon and his bow staff skills. Vote for Pedro.

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

 

(Found on Cafepress.com...this is where I find most of these t-shirts!)

At first I wondered what this shirt was about, but after a little research I discovered that some women have what you call fried egg boobies. I interviewed Andy, and he explained it as less than a handful with a puffy...uhhum. Makes sense. 

I decided to do a little cutting and pasting in order to suit the more baby challenged folk. I think that this would be more fitting:

Fried Egg Ovaries.

Andy's Two Cents

I don't know if any of you have come across this story yet, but the hubby forwarded it to me this evening. It was originally published on Oprah.com back in September. This is a copy of the article that CNN published this morning. I'll go ahead a warn you that he gives a graphic account of his wife's miscarriage. However, it was nice to see a man's take on the subject for a change. The grieving process he described is so true...I could see a lot of our relationship in his recollection. Andy said it made him tear up while reading it, and he thought it would make a good contribution to our blog.

  

A Father's Story: Mourning the Baby We Never Had

I know that some of us get very discouraged because we feel as if the man isn't grieving after a loss occurs. In all reality, it's very difficult for them too...they just use a different outlet to release it. Add infertility to the miscarriage and you have a recipe for social isolation at it's finest.

Mad props to Oprah.com and CNN for raising infertility awareness! Now, if we could just get the insurance companies to listen!

Faith

Well, what do ya know...it seems that God whispers through Amazon. I found this vinyl wall art while perusing the web for deals on flea medications for the furchildren...it just popped right out at me! Isn't it pretty? I now get to look at it every morning when I wake up, and every evening before I go to bed. I'm having an extremely hard time keeping the faith right now, so I hope that it will help me to be a little more positive.

 I know that I have been slacking in the blog department lately. There has been a lot going on our lives, but it's not uterus or sperm related! Lucky us.

My grandmother passed away last week. She has been sick for awhile, but things took a turn for the worst and she just couldn't hang on any longer. She has been a huge supporter with our treatments and I wish that I could have thanked her with a grandchild. We were finally able to put her to rest today because the government run hospital for the military wanted to take their sweet time releasing her death certificate. Such respect. Anyway, she raised an awesome son...my father. The man will literally put everyone and everything before himself in order to help others. I'm so glad that we were able to support him during this time. I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to lose a parent.

No news on the house refinance. We were supposed to close (again) at the end of September, but that f*ed up too. Oh, wait a minute...let me refer to my new Vinyl Wall Art.

Griswold (aka Clark, Sparky, the newest furchild) is growing like a weed. He is only 4 months old and already 34 pounds...ouch! He's very smart...so far he can sit, shake, lay down, high five, roll over, and ring the bell on the back door to let us know he has to go to the bathroom!

Here is my favorite picture of my grandmother and my father when he was a baby...rest in peace Memom!

Here are some recent pics of Griswold...passed out of course!

Griswold and his big sister Ellie May! Such sweet little siblings. Ellie hates him.

"I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell." 

 ~Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

At least I was blessed with a liver that can function properly. I wonder if it could grow a baby? I bet that would make for a cute baby bump...

Attack of the Shitty Luck Fairy

I am so irritated and about to reach my breaking point in....3....2....1....

I'm going to go ahead and warn you that I'm angry, negative, in a very bad place right now, and need to vent. And...I will use CAPS because it's annoying and makes me feel better. k.
 
Long story short, we started the process of refinancing our house back in July shortly after we found out that we'd have to do egg donor. Our rate when we originally bought our house 4 years ago is nearly double what the current rate is. We also sold Andy's car which was already paid off in order to make a big chunk of fast cash. Our lower mortgage would allow us more money every month to buy another car, and then we wouldn't have far to go before having the moolah for donor. Good idea, right?

WRONG.

We have to remember that we are dealing with Jessica and Andy luck...nothing ever comes easy and rarely works out the way it is supposed to.

Our house didn't appraise for as much as we hoped because some DIPWAD in our neighborhood practically gave away their house earlier this year, which lowered the value of EVERY house in our subdivision. We're waiting on our loan officer to crunch numbers with some other loans, so we're not really sure what's going to happen. From the looks of it, we're not going to save that much money by refinancing. Then we get to add on another car payment after we sold a car that was already paid off.
Brilliant idea. Should have known.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Is this God telling us AGAIN that we shouldn't have children? I'm just not getting His message here. I told myself back in July that I was not going to stress over it and that I was going to put it in God's hands. That's exactly what I did. I finally put my faith gave my fears entirely to God for the FIRST time in my life. This is what he hands me. WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT???

Of course, we could sell our house and buy a cheaper one. We could stop going on vacations. We can stop going out to eat. We can cut off our cable, internet, home phone, and cell phones. We can stop going to football games.

So, let me get this straight. We are supposed to deal with infertility AND sacrifice every facet of our lives to have a chance at being parents. Going out of town on our random road trips has kept me sane through all of this. But, you know, we need to give that up. We need to rent a studio apartment, stare at each other all night because we have no cable or internet, and take a bus to work every morning. All the while, normal people get to keep their house, all amenities, and can save money for retirement because they don't have to drop 80k to "maybe" have a child.

I'm just about to the point of emptying out the savings, paying everyone back that has helped us (out of the goodness of their hearts) and saying screw this. I'm just lost. I don't know what God is trying to tell us. I have tried so hard to be positive about egg donor, but I'm so sick of getting knocked down with our shitty luck. About 90% of the girls I originally met when I started blogging have either had a baby or are now pregnant...don't get me wrong, I am very happy for you all. It just makes me question our path and discourages me even more.

On the other hand, I will be headed to see my Gamecocks play tomorrow night and then headed to the mountains with Andy's family to celebrate our niece's 1st birthday! We can't wait!

Maybe I should cherish the next few months of football games and travel, because it's obvious that God wants us to learn to live without, while we sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else bask in their blessings. But, what if we sacrifice EVERYTHING and still don't become parents? What if, what if, what if.
 
Grrrrrr. What's next? I just wish God would give us a clearer picture. I'm just so sick of being left out of a life that everyone else gets to live because we can't have children.

It's A Boy!

Here's our long awaited surprise!!! Instead of bringing home a baby this past weekend, we decided to bring home a very hairy bundle of joy.

Introducing...

Griswold Uguyses!

He's an 11 week old American Bulldog who is playful and loves to chillax...just what we need. We're getting him accustomed to our house and his big sister, Ellie May. She's a blind Maltipoo and very territorial, but not taking the new addition too hard. Griswold really wants to play with her, but she's NOT having it. Guess we'll be making a bunch of trips to the doggie park so that he can make some friends!

He's already a Gamecock fan!

We had a great vacation at the beach last week. Just what we needed! Now, back to the real world and training our newest family member! Please comment if you have any training tips for American Bulldogs...we would be much obliged!

August 14, 2010

Oh little Giblet...we love you and wish that we could have met you today. You are special, for you taught us to be grateful for what so many others take for granted. You were only here for the blink of an eye, but it was your brief life that made us the happiest we've ever been as a couple. May God rest your soul. You will forever hold a place in our hearts!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

This T-Shirt Isn't Funny Tuesday

And now ladies, I present to you another edition featuring T-Shirts that your average woman who is having trouble getting pregnant would want to rip off of someone, cut into little pieces, and put a match to!

YES,
I'm not pregnant.
NO,
You can't touch my beer belly. Because I can drink beer and you can't. Betch.



We just got back from an awesome weekend vacation with my sister and her hubby! They were so nice to let us tag along. We went to where Car.rie Under.wood was just married...it was beautiful!

August 14th was our due date and it is closing in quickly. I can't believe that I would almost be 39 weeks preggo right now...it went by so fast. We decided to head to the beach next week. I would rather be there than at work dwelling on it.

Soooo, instead of a baby, we'll be bringing home a special something after our beach trip! I can't wait to show it off!

And The Winner Is....

The winner of my Blogiversary Giveaway is....

A. From Remember All The Way!!!

Congrats girlie:) Send your contact info to: jhnorrell@hotmail.com and I will ship it out Monday!

I'm doing this from my phone, so I hope it works. Thanks to everyone who entered!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Awards and my Blogiversary Giveaway!

My sweet friends, Jen from What Would Jen Do, R. from One Egg Please, Christa from Fearlessly Infertile, and Tiffany from All Aboard the IF Train! nominated me for this award! Thanks so much ladies! Go on over and check out their blogs!

For this award, here’s what you do:

1. Thank whoever gave you the award.

2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.

3. Pay it forward by nominating 7 bloggers for this award.

Hmmmm...7 things. I think I've done this before and I embarrassed myself, so let me see if I can have a little more tact...lol. Yeah right. Who am I fooling?

1. My dream job would be to work as a Disney Princess. I like to sing and dance around the house (and my job) like I'm Tinkerbell or something. Loser.

2. I LOVE to take pictures...my sisters call me the paparazzi. They're going to thank me in 30 years when we have pictures to reminisce over and laugh about! There are, however, quite a few that have been locked in "The Vault of Forbidden Eyeballs". Nuff' said.

3. I am the oldest of four children...I have two sisters and one brother. We are all very close and get along well for the most part.

4. I have two baby nieces born last year that I love more than anything in the world. One is my sister's baby who is 8 months old, and the other is Andy's sister's baby who is 11 months old. They make me smile!

5. Let's play the concerts I have been to game. Hmmmm. New Kids on the Block, Nelson, AC/DC, Lollapalooza '95 (Courtney Love, Cypress Hill, Sonic Youth, Beck, Coolio), Dave Matthews Band. Oh yeah, I saw Jordan Knight (NKOTB) play at a dinky bar in Auburn a few years ago when I lived there. He thought he was cool and was playing all of the old NKOTB songs on his electronic keyboard. There were only, like, 50 girls there and we were screaming the entire time...I got to touch his butt and hold his hand. I tried to get his autograph before he left, but he snuck out of the back door and drove off in a Geo Metro. I was scarred for life. I knew there was a reason that I always loved Joey Joe because Jordan SUCKS!

6. Andy stood me up on our first couple of dates. 12 years later and look who has the magic whip. Whooopachhh!

7. I've always wanted to write a children's book. I'm just having a hard time coming up with a character...and then there's that whole illustration thing. One day!

And now, 7 bloggers that I highly recommend you get to know! I would really like to nominate ALL of the blogs I follow...such an awesome IF community!

1. Julia from Adam and Julia
2. Michelle from No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat
3. Kakunaa from Spermination Station
4. Waiting for a Baby Bump

5. T from Inconceivable Journey
6. Lisa from WANTED: One Good Embryo
7. Katie from from If to When

Don't forget to enter my Blogiversary Giveaway! Only 2 days left!!!

This T-Shirt Isn't Funny Tuesday

And now ladies, I present to you another edition featuring T-Shirts that your average woman who is having trouble getting pregnant would want to rip off of someone, cut into little pieces, and put a match to!

Listen cankle woman...you're going to know the true meaning of crabby after I show you what an ass kickin' feels like. You can either have childlessness and a plethora of medical bills, or SHUT IT and enjoy every second of your blessing!

Only 3 days left to enter my Blogiversary Giveaway!!! Hurry! Hurry!

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

1. Hold on...I'm in my yoga pilates tranquil zen pose...............whew! I think that miraculously healed by endometriosis and fixed our egg and sperm quality! Let me go pee on a stick real quick. OMG!!!! IT'S......negative.

2. Well shit, I thought that standing on my head before we had relations was good enough. Why didn't we think of that?

3. Yes, unfortunately it is. We had him tested and he has spermosarcoidmalarianismitis. It's just so tragic.

4. Wow. Just....wow. You must have not relaxed enough.

5. Your kids are ugly. Why didn't you "just adopt"?

 Don't forget to enter my Blogiversary GIVEAWAY!

Blogiversary Giveaway!

I am so excited to be hosting my very first giveaway! In honor of my one year Blogiversary, I am giving away this very cute Willow Tree Figurine named "Hope". It is brand new and in the original packaging. As you can see from the picture below, it is of a small child holding onto a balloon with the word "hope" inside of it. I thought that it was perfect for most of the situations in our lil' blogging community! There is HOPE and we WILL be parents one day!

 These are the cutest, hand carved/painted figurines, and there is an inspirational piece for almost every situation. You can check out the website by clicking here.

Here are the rules:

1. You must be a follower of my blog. Leave me a comment telling me you are either a current follower or that you are a new follower. (Mandatory...1 entry)

Extra Entries: 

  1. Follow me on Twitter. Already following? That's fine! Just leave a comment if you want to enter. (1 entry)

2. Tweet about this giveaway and leave a comment with tweet link. (1 entry per tweet/1 tweet per day)

3. Blog about this giveaway and leave the link in the comment. (2 entries...please leave two comments.)

4. In a comment, tell me what your favorite blog post was of mine, and why you liked it! (1 entry)

Giveaway will end Friday, July 23rd @ 11:59 p.m. (EST), and will be announced Saturday July 24th!

(I will be using Random.org to pick the winner)

Good Luck!!!

Legal Disclaimer: I am not being financially compensated for having this giveaway. I purchased the above mentioned product myself. Winner must live in the USA not including Hawaii or Alaska due to shipping charges. Winner must contact me by e-mail within 48 hours of being announced or I will announce a new winner.

 

Bye Moonpie!

Our poor little Moonpie...we gave birth to her in 2003 and she has taken us on our adventures to NYC, Miami, and the Florida Keys...as well as our Wild West Roadtrip to Colorado, Vegas, and the Grand Canyon.

Yesterday, we said goodbye:( It was really sad! She will now be selflessly carting around a recent high school grad as he begins his college career.  I know that she will be good to him.

She knew what was best for us, because this sell gets us that much closer to EGG DONOR! Woot Woot!

We will miss her pretty little tires...her sunny complexion...and the way she let me plug my Ipod into her auxiliary port so that I could annoy the hell out of Andy on roadtrips. We will also remember all of the fun trips to the beach, mountains, camping, and the way she let us sit on her for endless hours whilst tailgating at football games.

In case you were wondering, we named her Moonpie because the dealership we bought her from gave you a Moonpie if you stopped by. Also, Andy has always called me that as a nickname because of my big forehead. Term of endearment? No?

And now, a photo montage of our baby who will help us to get a baby...


 

Moonpie

About to leave for our cross country road trip!

Flat tire on our road trip...she bounced back!

On top of Chimney Rock...see her waaaayyyy down there?

In the mountains right after we got her...Andy was so excited! Random stove, p.s.

It's My Blogiversary!

Can I get a whoot whoot?

Last Friday was my one year Blogiversary!!! I can't believe it has already been a year since I started blogging. It really has been therapeutic for me to get on here and pour my heart out. I think this was exactly what I needed to keep what is left of my sanity. It has led me to some awesome friendships, and it is comforting to know that I can come here and all of you ladies know exactly where I'm coming from. Plus, it has helped me to communicate better to the family and IRL (in real life) friends who read this blog. I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my chest since I have decided to open about our infertility! Everyone has been so supportive and I wouldn't have gotten through the last year without you guys.

So, here is a huge THANK YOU! We love you all!

Click here if you want to read my very first post!

In honor of my Blogiversary, I will be doing a giveaway soon...so stay tuned! First, I have to figure out what in the heck I'm going to give away...would anyone like my uterus? Eggs? No?

Let me go eat some chocolate and sleep on it. Holla!

This T-Shirt Isn't Funny Tuesday

And now ladies, I present to you another edition featuring T-Shirts that your average woman who is having trouble getting pregnant would want to rip off of someone, cut into little pieces, and put a match to!

Wha...wha...what? Nuff' said.

Stop and Eat Here...Now

Next time you are hungry, please go over and grab a recipe from my mother-in-law's blog, Sage Trifle. She has taken the time to give step-by-step and foolproof instructions, complete with awesome photographs of her creations.

Andy comes from a family of amazing cooks, and none of her recipes have let me down. As a matter of fact, the talent was passed down to Andy and he feeds me well.

Please note this picture of her homemade apple butter. Oh yeah, she gave me a jar. Score!

Finger lickin' good!

I'm Here I'm Here!

Sorry I have been MIA...it's been a crazy couple of weeks. I haven't had time to get on here and update, nor have I been able to really leave comments. I apologize! A coworker of mine passed away unexpectedly last weekend, and we've been moving to a new office where I work. Needless to say, it has been very sad and stressful around here lately.

We had the best time in Arizona! I was able to finally meet my blog friend in person, and we really clicked. It was like we had been friends our entire lives! We spent the majority of the time hanging out around her pool and exploring the Phoenix area. Her hubby is awesome too...he and Andy really got along well. It was a bittersweet visit because her hubby left for basic training the day after we left. She will be without him for five months, but they are planning a visit here when he graduates in November because he is stationed a few hours away from us in Georgia. Can't wait!

We have also been able to visit our new nieces who both live out of town. They're both doing good...one is almost crawling and the other is pulling up and almost walking. I think this past weekend was the first weekend that we haven't had plans or had to go out of town since March...whew!

I wish that I had more to say, but I don't! Everything is the same ole' same ole' around here. Wake up, work, go to the gym, come home, eat, drown my sorrows, and go to sleep so that I can do it again the next day! We did put one of our cars in the classifieds last week so that we could get a big chunk of cash to put towards egg donor. Still waiting for someone to bite!

I did start taking Zumba this past weekend...it was SO MUCH FUN! I highly recommend it.

I will try to catch up on all of your blogs this week. Once again, I'm so sorry for the lack of commenting. I hope all of you are well!

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

Dear Reproductive System,

Thank you for not being very...productive. I would also like to give a shout-out to my uterus for basically falling out of my body every month. 

Love,

Jessica;)

Typical

I would like to personally thank the bitch for showing up ONE WEEK early while I'm on vaca in Arizona...wtf?

On the other hand, we are having an awesome time with my blog friend! We had a little trouble flying here because of delays, but finally made it here about 2:30 Saturday morning.

I'm trying to post this from my phone so I hope it works. We're off to the lake in a bit for some margaritas and fun in the sun! I'll be loading the beach bag up with pads and jumbo tampons.

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Look Out Phoenix! Rednecks Are Coming!

Andy and I are so frickin' excited...this Memorial Day weekend, we are flying to Phoenix to meet one of my favorite blog friends! I know, you think we're crazy right? That is the spontaneity that is Andy and I. I wish I could say her name or blog link, but her blog is private and I do not want to reveal her identity on here.

Her family even thinks she is crazy for letting strangers sleep in her house...lol. No worries, we've been talking on the phone/texting/facebooking with each other for almost a year now, so we've gotten to know each other pretty well. She has been my rock through all of our crazy treatments this past year and I am so very thankful that we crossed paths and that I have her in my life!  I must say that she thinks I'm a huge redneck because of my southern accent:) Gotta love South Carolina! I'm sure that she will make fun of us the entire time.

I can't tell you how amazing this blog has been with finding support and lifelong friends...there are some awesome couples on here!

She and her hubby have a shenanigan-filled weekend planned for us...we can't wait to tear Phoenix UP! Plus, it will be nice to be around a couple that is going through the same things that we are. I'm sure that there will be plenty of late night talks!

I will tell you one thing that I'll be glad to get rid of for a few days and it's this dang humidity. Grrrrrr. I know Arizona is hot, but at least it's a dry hot. Hellllllooooo good hair days!

Hope everyone has a fun and safe holiday weekend!

9 Years ago today...

Happy 9th Anniversary Andy! You must REALLY love me. Besides, I heard that it is really hard to get a divorce in South Carolina anyway. Sorrryyyyyy ;)

Gosh, I can't believe we've been together for a total of 12 years, and already celebrating 9 years of marriage! It seems like just yesterday!

We both have to work tomorrow, but we've decided to head to the hibachi grill tomorrow night! I think I'll hit up some sushi...so dang yummy!

Guess what I get to do tomorrow at work? Attend an alllll day baby shower. Apparently this is becoming the new trend...having a baby shower during work instead of after hours. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for anyone who is blessed enough to be pregnant. They deserve a celebration. However, I think I have every right to have a choice on whether or not I want to attend. Oh well. Let me go pull the infertility armor out of the closet and put on a happy face. It will be my turn soon enough!

Love you Andy! I hope that we can be celebrating our baby by our 10 year anniversary!

The man holding the door for us as we are leaving our reception is my Uncle Dave...he was taken from our world too soon. We were blessed to have him in our lives. We love and miss you Uncle Dave!

IVF Contract...Holla!

We sent in our withdrawal form for the shared-risk program today. This means that we are giving up our last IVF cycles and taking the partial refund.

Sigh.

It just feels...well...I don't know how to describe it. I guess, bittersweet? Sad that we won't be trying with my eggs anymore, but happy and hopeful that we may still have a chance at conceiving with donor eggs.

We haven't applied for the egg donor program yet...it will take a little while before we have all of our ducks in a row. Once we submit the application, it will take about 5-6 months to be matched with a donor. We can't apply for the Egg Donor shared risk program until we've been matched, so that's another hurdle we will have to overcome. They said it shouldn't be a problem as long as my uterus cooperates! We shall see!

This time five years ago I was sure that we would be parents in nine months. This time one year ago we were getting ready to do our first IVF cycle and I was sure that we would be parents by now. With my track record, I'm not even going to begin to make assumptions as to where we'll be this time next year. Let me just throw in a little T-Shirt to portray my feelings on that subject.

Now on to the next adventure...this should be interesting!

Twitter to the Twenter of the Twuterus

Birds Pigs are flying. I'm trying out this Twitter crap. A lot of my blog peeps have an account and I've come to terms that it's a fun idea...especially while going through treatments. It's hard for me to get on here in decent time to write a blog post, but if I'm in the stirrups I can just grab my cell phone and let the world know real quick.

Real time, play-by-play of my ridiculousness if you will.

So, if any of you tweet feel free to click my button over there on the right side and follow me! I promise that I won't be too vulgar. Well, maybe not promise. But, I'll try real hard!

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

Saw this at the store the other day and had to get a pic of it...our future baby will so be sporting this. Didn't want to jinx myself by buying it though!

RESOLVE's Family Building Conference Part 3...Budgeting for Infertility

We were able to meet Dr. Evelina Sterling, co-author of the book Budgeting for Infertility. She immediately caught our attention in her class when she mentioned that it was nominated for the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year. 

Omg. Really? Lol hard.

What's so funny about budgeting for infertility? Read more about it here.

This is a prime example of how uneducated the public is on infertility. This is exactly why infertility is such a taboo subject. Exactly why we are isolated from the rest of society.

I cannot remember for the life of me where I read the following analogy, but please take credit if this was from your blog. I don't like to steal without asking! It was said that infertility is like an STD. It's a complete no-no to talk to you about, but everybody wants to discuss it behind your back. I'm glad that I'm pretty open about it now...you ask questions and I don't mind giving you answers. I'm not as ashamed about it anymore. However, I do have good days and bad...sometimes I feel like talking about it, and sometimes I wish it would all go away. It usually depends on what day of my cycle I'm on! Like today. Hello Aunt Flo. For the 89203948579th time. Can't you just stay away for 9 measly little months? Is that so much to ask? ;)

This blog has saved my frickin' sanity and has served as a creative outlet for all of the ***jibba jabba that accumulates in my head.

What was I talking about? Budgeting. Sorryyyyy.

Anyway, I haven't read this book yet, but it is on the way from Ebay. Found it for 99 cents...score! Dr. Sterling gave us insight to many foundations that offer grants for infertility treatments as well as clinical trials that are sometimes offered for a nice discount. There are also several pharmaceutical assistance programs that offer discount and free medications. Of course, there are strict criteria that have to be met with most of these. All of the information on how to gain access to these resources is in this book.

I'm just going to bullet some of the highlights from the class that I found interesting:

• Infertility is a disease that affects an estimated 7.3 million Americans. This number only reflects the number of people that actually come forward to pursue treatment. It is a huge problem and is a lot more common than people think. 

• As I mentioned in my last post, only about 15 States mandate infertility insurance coverage. Did you know that it is more expensive to break your leg and go to the ER than it is to do a cycle of IVF? Every person in the country with an insurance policy could fall and break their leg and it would be covered in some way. On the other hand, 1 in 6 couples will need fertility treatments to conceive a child and less than ten percent of insurance policies will help pay for it. The challenge is getting insurance companies to accept that infertility is an actual disease, which it exactly is. If your kidneys don't function/filter correctly, you have kidney disease. If your reproductive system doesn't function correctly, be it endometriosis/PCOS/endocrine issues, you have infertility. Also, if people didn't have to worry about the financial strain of treatments, then they wouldn't be begging their doctors to put in 5 embryos as a last ditch effort to have a child. For example, IVF would be better regulated and would only result in 1 embryo being transferred which would result in a lower cost overall. Ugh, I could just go on and on about this.

• So far, infertility coverage has been left out of the new health care bill. We will just have to wait a little longer to see how it will all play out. Obviously, there are a lot of uncertainties with this new bill.

I also found this video by Dr. Sterling herself! She addresses the ten most common mistakes that people make when budgeting for infertility. The video is kind of shaky, but delivers a good message.



I'm just really interested to get my hands on this book and I hope that it will provide us with some more valuable information. I encourage all of my blog peeps to check it out too!

*** "Quit yo' jibba jabba, fool."   ~Mr. T
Just thought I'd throw that in there.

 

RESOLVE's Family Building Conference Part 2...How to be Your Own Advocate in Treatment

I mentioned that during this conference they had several classes that spoke about all realms of family building. One class we found particularly interesting was How to be Your Own Advocate in Treatment. The moderators of this class were two doctors from a local RE clinic and a volunteer/infertility advocate from RESOLVE. It was cool because there was no power point presentation ((snore)). We all just sat around and casually talked, and they were happy to answer any questions that we had.

This class was especially good for us because it sometimes feels as if everything is so out of our control that it's difficult to just jump in and grab the reins. Fertility treatments are so intricate and overwhelming that we tend to find ourselves being passive and leaving it in the doctor's hands. There have been several times when we have felt like something just wasn't right, and if we would have gone with our gut and spoken up then some things could have been avoided.

One good example, the SEVEN IUIs that we did with our 1st and 2nd REs. Seven. It's not like we had insurance coverage for these and could just do them like they were going out of style. Usually if an IUI doesn't work after 4-5 cycles, then that should throw up a red flag, right? Not to mention the fact that our doctor kept the same regimen every single time. Clomid, Clomid, Clomid, Clomid, Clomid, Clomid, wait for it...Clomid. He finally decided to throw some progesterone in on the last couple of IUIs but they never resulted in a pregnancy. I'm not surprised that I developed several huge cysts because my poor ovaries just couldn't handle seeing the Clomid coming at them anymore.

We were about 1-2 years into the journey at this time, so we didn't know any better. We trusted our doctor to do what he thought was best for us. In reality, he should have stopped sooner and changed our protocol. We could have tried injectables among several other options. In the end we spent the equivalent of an IVF cycle on failed IUIs...and this, my friends, was not very cost efficient. A good doctor would have looked out for our best interests...and this is why he is not our RE anymore.

The moral of the story is to ask questions! Ask why? Educate yourself as much as you can on your diagnosis and take part in the decision making process when it comes to your treatment. You HAVE to speak up for yourself, and sometimes that means being the "annoying" patient. When you are looking for a RE (or any doctor for that matter) look at it as if it is another relationship. As all of us probably know, a successful relationship requires communication and trust.

The two REs also recommended getting a second opinion if you feel the need to, even if it is with another doctor in the same practice. It's more power to YOU. They said that most MDs that have good communication skills are not going to be offended that you are getting a second opinion because they want what is best for you.

On another note, they stressed becoming an advocate with legislation and insurance coverage for infertility treatments. As of now, <10% of couples pursuing treatments have insurance that covers or helps to cover treatments. Infertility treatments are still considered "elective" procedures. Last time I checked, we didn't "elect" to be infertile so this is ridiculousness. Having a baby does not equal a boob job or butt implants.

One thing that made my blood boil was learning that there is a Lobbyist in D.C. that is fighting every single day just to keep infertility treatments LEGAL in the state of Georgia. RESOLVE recently won a showdown against legislators and you can read about it here: Georgia Infertility Bill

Because of the legal issues going down in GA, there is no hope for infertility coverage to be mandated in this state anytime soon. There are only about 15 states that currently mandate insurance coverage for treatments at this time. My doctor is in SC, which is another state that is not mandated. I will have to do a little research to see if there are any comparable bills that they are trying to pass in this state.

They did say that we could advocate for insurance coverage in our places of employment because companies are allowed to pick the types of coverage that they want to pick up. Infertility coverage is usually readily available, but employers just don't feel that it's important or that it's really needed. They assume that the cost of adding this to their policies will be astronomical, when in fact it only costs about $5/head to add-on. I know that it has been proposed by other employees at my company and they were told no. So, it's difficult to get people who haven't struggled with infertility and the financial impact of it all to realize how important this coverage can be for some people. It's like beating a dead horse. So, I guess we now need to ask Andy's company, ha! Never give up!

That's about all we took home from this little segment...it was quite an interesting talk! We're especially glad that we could just sit down and be candid with the doctors without having to worry about them sticking a camera up my vajayjay.

No modesty...sorry.

In life or science, the most successful people are those who most quickly adapt to Plan B.

RESOLVE's Family Building Conference...Part 1

National Infertility Awareness Week has been going on all week and we were able to attend RESOLVE's 1st Annual Family Building Conference in Atlanta this past weekend. We had a blast and took home A LOT of valuable information. I highly encourage all of my blog peeps to attend one when it is offered in your area.

We were able to talk to several IVF Clinics, adoption agencies, egg donor agencies, attorneys, complementary therapy providers, authors of infertility books, and much more. We also got to meet several key members from RESOLVE.  Saturday morning we basically walked around to all of the booths and were able to gain insight in all of these areas. They also held talks in 50 minute increments throughout the day including but not limited to domestic adoption, being a better advocate in your fertility treatment, strengthening your relationship with your spouse, donor egg, yoga/acupuncture, and much more.

They even gave away over $50,000 in prizes including a free IVF cycle and a free donor egg IVF cycle. We didn't win any of the huge prizes, but did win a couple of CD's and a bunch of other free goodies:) We are definitely going back next year, so maybe we'll have better luck! I also want to try to volunteer with RESOLVE to help raise awareness on infertility...you wouldn't believe some of the things we were told at this conference in regards to legislation and the social stigma of infertility. It was pure ridiculousness!

Instead of trying to post everything we learned in one post, I'm going to separate all of the information into several posts! I even think you guys will get a kick out of some of the goodies we took home. I will share one with you tonight...Andy almost had a hernia when he saw these. He wants to give one to everybody that he works with. Andy, good luck with that.

Ladies and Gents, I present to you...Sperm Highlighters.

WTFFFFFFFF?

Sorry it has taken me so long to write about our WTF appointment...we got back into town late last night, and I am just now able to sit down and write about it! There were a lot of details so I am going to do my best to remember everything that our doctor said. I will do my best to keep it organized and not ramble! We had an entire list of questions in my head to ask him and surprisingly enough he answered all of them without us even having to ask! Hmph, you would think he does this for a living;)

First things first, we never went back to our Augusta doctor to hear the pathology results from the D & C, so he was able to give us all of that information. The pathologist only found placental tissue and there was no evidence of embryonic development. He termed it a Blighted Ovum, which is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. Click here to read more about it. Basically, the embryo implanted and grew placental tissue and a yolk sac, but the embryo itself never developed. We do not know if it was a boy or a girl.

He went on to explain to us that we are obviously dealing with both male factor and female factor infertility. I can't remember Andy's actual sperm counts, but the motility was 6% for IVF #1 and 20% with IVF #2. In a normal sperm analysis, this number represents the percentage of sperm that swim forward and should be >50%. Obviously if they can't swim forward then they're not getting to an egg anytime soon. He describes Andy as having a variable sperm quality...it's great one day and not so great the next.

On the other hand, he spoke with the embryologist about my eggs before he met with us yesterday morning. They both feel that I'm not producing the quantity of eggs that I should for my age, and the ones that I do produce are not developing into the quality of embryo that they expect to see in the first few days of development. IVF #1 they retrieved 8 eggs and 1 fertilized with ICSI. IVF #2 they retrieved 12 eggs and 7 fertilized with ICSI. A normal 31 year old should produce better quality eggs than I am spitting out. He doesn't blame these problems on us or any events in our lives...they are out of our control. It is just unexplained infertility.

He brought up the fact that we have only made it to a 3 day transfer. The only embryo that has ever made it to blastocyst stage for a Day 5 transfer was the one that stuck with IVF #2. Also, none of the others have ever made it far enough to freeze for a frozen cycle. They kind of get to day 4 and arrest.

He said that there is still a chance that we can be successful by using our own egg and sperm, but the chances of that happening are much lower than originally thought. I guess this is the beauty of practicing medicine...you live and you learn. There are other options that would give us a better chance. He asked us if we wanted his honest opinion and of course we said yes.

He feels that we would have a much better chance by using an egg donor and Andy's sperm. He said that the egg usually leads or dominates when it comes to fertilization, so he doesn't think that Andy's sperm would be an issue if we could just get a better quality egg. We told him that we had actually been discussing switching to donor. At this point we would like for our child to be biological, but it is not a deal breaker. Besides, if Andy's sperm worked then the baby would at least be half of us.

Here are the success rates he quoted to us:

• IVF #3 with our own egg/sperm: estimated 25-30% (Originally 60-65%)
• IVF #3 with donor egg: 65%

To put things into perspective, I'm going to have to bring up the financial aspect of this and I'm sorry...but it's a fact of fertility treatments. If you remember, we purchased the shared risk package which gave us 3 fresh and 3 frozen IVF cycles for a set fee excluding medications, monitoring, and anesthesia. Since we have had no frozen embryos, we have lost 2 frozen cycles already. This leaves us 1 fresh and 1 frozen cycle. We can choose to do the remaining cycle, but we would have to come up with an additional $5000 to cover meds/monitoring. If we don't want to do the remaining cycle, we can cancel our contract and get 70% of our initial fee refunded. The way we look at it, we only have 1 shot and we don't want to waste it on something that only gives us a 25% chance as opposed to a 65% chance. We would rather put that $5000 towards the 65%!

We were able to talk to the financial department and the egg donor coordinator to get additional information on how it all works. The company that we purchased the package through also offers a shared risk egg donor cycle. There were so many different options that it made our heads spin, but the most appealing was a package that offers 3 split donor cycles and unlimited frozen transfers for a set fee (which costs quite a bit more because we are using a donor). If you don't take home a baby from the hospital after all of these cycles, they offer a 100% refund. All medications and monitoring for the egg donor are covered in this fee.

Here is our reasoning, if this makes any sense. The egg donor fee costs basically the same amount as it does to adopt. If we were to do this and it didn't work, we would be able to get all of our money back and be financially able to adopt. We would be able to say that we tried everything that we possibly could and there would be no what-ifs. I know there are a lot of people that wonder why we don't "just adopt". First off, it's an extremely complicated process...a lot more complicated than "just adopt". Last time I checked, we weren't millionaires, this wasn't Hollywood, and our names weren't Brad and Angelina.  Secondly, I don't think we should be deprived of experiencing the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth if there is a good chance that this could work. I don't believe that adoption is a "quick fix" for infertility...the pain of all of this will always be there. I can promise you that. Anyway, that's a whole different discussion...I'll save that one for later! You have to give your heart 100% to adoption and we are not quite there yet.

After speaking with the nurse egg donor coordinator, we got a better understanding on how the entire process works. They have single donor and split donor cycles. In a single donor cycle, the girl gives one couple all of the eggs she produces in an IVF cycle. In a split donor cycle, they choose girls that have a higher follicle count. She usually produces 20+ eggs in a single cycle and they are split between two couples. This choice is much cheaper because you split the cost with another couple.

The donors remain anonymous and never know the outcome of the cycle. They undergo extensive genetic and psychological testing as well as testing for infectious diseases, STD's, cystic fibrosis, etc. If we decide to go this route, we would have to fill out paperwork that lists what we are looking for in a donor. We can be as vague or as specific as we want. She said that it is typically a 5-6 month waiting period to be matched with a donor that fits your profile. Once matched the ball starts rolling pretty quickly, so we have to have all of our ducks in a row financially. We wouldn't be able to apply for the shared risk program until we've been matched with a donor, but she says they usually don't turn anyone down. They just want to make sure that my uterus is healthy, and my uterus has always been beautiful. It's just those damn ovaries and eggs that give me a fit.

Oh goodness, this turned into a ramble. I'm sorry, but there was so much information. I know I am probably forgetting some things, but I just wanted to go ahead and post so that I wouldn't leave you all hangin'! We aren't making any decisions now. We're going to take some time to think everything through. We do know that there will be some huge changes to our life if we decide to go through with it because the money has to come from somewhere! We're already throwing around a few ideas, but I'll elaborate on that when the time comes.

We're a little disappointed with the news, but excited at the same time. Deep down we knew what he was going to tell us, so that made it a little easier for us to prepare. Also, I'm relieved to know about what happened to our pregnancy which does give me some closure.

We have a lot to think about now, so please pray for us! Advice is welcome from anyone that has ever dealt with an anonymous egg donor/split cycle. We would like to thank everyone again for your love and support...it means more than you will ever know. We will keep you all updated!