At least I was blessed with a liver that can function properly. I wonder if it could grow a baby? I bet that would make for a cute baby bump...
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Attack of the Shitty Luck Fairy
I'm going to go ahead and warn you that I'm angry, negative, in a very bad place right now, and need to vent. And...I will use CAPS because it's annoying and makes me feel better. k.
Long story short, we started the process of refinancing our house back in July shortly after we found out that we'd have to do egg donor. Our rate when we originally bought our house 4 years ago is nearly double what the current rate is. We also sold Andy's car which was already paid off in order to make a big chunk of fast cash. Our lower mortgage would allow us more money every month to buy another car, and then we wouldn't have far to go before having the moolah for donor. Good idea, right?
WRONG.
We have to remember that we are dealing with Jessica and Andy luck...nothing ever comes easy and rarely works out the way it is supposed to.
Our house didn't appraise for as much as we hoped because some DIPWAD in our neighborhood practically gave away their house earlier this year, which lowered the value of EVERY house in our subdivision. We're waiting on our loan officer to crunch numbers with some other loans, so we're not really sure what's going to happen. From the looks of it, we're not going to save that much money by refinancing. Then we get to add on another car payment after we sold a car that was already paid off.
Brilliant idea. Should have known.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Is this God telling us AGAIN that we shouldn't have children? I'm just not getting His message here. I told myself back in July that I was not going to stress over it and that I was going to put it in God's hands. That's exactly what I did. I finally put my faith gave my fears entirely to God for the FIRST time in my life. This is what he hands me. WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT???
Of course, we could sell our house and buy a cheaper one. We could stop going on vacations. We can stop going out to eat. We can cut off our cable, internet, home phone, and cell phones. We can stop going to football games.
So, let me get this straight. We are supposed to deal with infertility AND sacrifice every facet of our lives to have a chance at being parents. Going out of town on our random road trips has kept me sane through all of this. But, you know, we need to give that up. We need to rent a studio apartment, stare at each other all night because we have no cable or internet, and take a bus to work every morning. All the while, normal people get to keep their house, all amenities, and can save money for retirement because they don't have to drop 80k to "maybe" have a child.
I'm just about to the point of emptying out the savings, paying everyone back that has helped us (out of the goodness of their hearts) and saying screw this. I'm just lost. I don't know what God is trying to tell us. I have tried so hard to be positive about egg donor, but I'm so sick of getting knocked down with our shitty luck. About 90% of the girls I originally met when I started blogging have either had a baby or are now pregnant...don't get me wrong, I am very happy for you all. It just makes me question our path and discourages me even more.
On the other hand, I will be headed to see my Gamecocks play tomorrow night and then headed to the mountains with Andy's family to celebrate our niece's 1st birthday! We can't wait!
Maybe I should cherish the next few months of football games and travel, because it's obvious that God wants us to learn to live without, while we sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else bask in their blessings. But, what if we sacrifice EVERYTHING and still don't become parents? What if, what if, what if.
Grrrrrr. What's next? I just wish God would give us a clearer picture. I'm just so sick of being left out of a life that everyone else gets to live because we can't have children.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
