6 Weeks

I won't complain about my symptoms because I've waiting way too long for this. Let me just say that I believe everything going on is normal in early pregnancy. One thing that has always grated my nerves is an infertile complaining about their pregnancy. Come on! Going to savor every moment! I didn't bitch for 6+ years to keep on bitching. All I have to do is survive one more week until that dreaded first ultrasound. Eeek!

There HAS to be a heartbeat somewhere down there...has to. I'm kind of grateful that they are waiting until 7 weeks to do the first ultrasound. That way we won't go in too early and hear those horrible words again..."I'm sorry, we can't find a heartbeat. Maybe it's too early. We will try again next week."

Our baby should be about 1/4 inch, or the size of a nail head right now. This is one of the most important weeks in development... the kidneys, liver, and lungs should be developing and the neural tube (which will eventually become the brain and spinal cord) will close this week. I'm popping the folic acid like crazy. Like about 1200 mcg/day crazy. Can't hurt, especially if there are twins in there! Baby's heart should be beating about 80 bpm and getting faster each day.

Amazing. I just hope that this isn't a cruel joke and there really is a miracle going on down there.

We are headed to the beach to get some R&R and let this "maybe baby" bake! This will probably be our last vacation since we will probably not be allowed to travel much over the next 8 months. Plus we have to start preparing and get some money saved up since we paid for everyone at my RE's office to go on vacation this summer. Peace out!

18dp5dt...Beta #3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um. 12,555. k. They were hoping at least 5,000. Lol hard.

So, I'm about to pee in my pants right now. Is my body really capable of this? I never got above 4,000 with our last pregnancy. Am I dreaming? God is so good!!! Our due date is March 22!!!

Here is my chart...I am 23 dpo today. They want at least a 60% increase every 2 days. Our little rockstar(s) increased 160% every 2 days. Grow Boom Boom & Pow. GROW!

 They are making me wait until 8/3 for my first ultrasound. I will be 7w0d. My doctor also classified me as "high risk" from previous loss and the possibility that we may have twins this time around. He gave me disability paperwork to put me on light duty through the first trimester so that I won't be overstressed and jeopardize this pregnancy. No standing on my feet for >50% of the day, bending, lifting, pushing, pulling, and must get a frickin' lunch break every day. Because they decided to short us on nurses, I have been one of three nurses doing treatments and have barely had time to sit down this week...so I guess they better come up with a way to get us more help. This belly is the sum of 6+ years of torture along with mine and my parent's life savings, so it is my priority right now! Nuff said!

We're so excited that we don't know what to do with ourselves! Please keep the prayers coming!

5 Weeks? I Hope!!!

As of today, I should technically be 5 weeks along. I still don't feel like this is real and I think that I have put up a wall to protect myself should we get bad news again! I know that everyone says not to worry...but seriously. The fear is there and it is real. It is never going to go away. Unless you have been through this before you have no idea the torture it puts you through! We have been going through this hell for over 6 years, and have spent every single day since January investing our time, money, and emotions into this very cycle. I do have faith, but deep in the back of my mind I don't want to let my guard down for fear of getting hurt again.

I also want to say thank you to my blog friends who are still reading and haven't deleted me from their blog roll yet. Believe me, I know how annoying it is to log on and have pregnancy thrown all in your face. Regardless of the outcome, the truth is I will always be infertile. A frickin' Veteran to infertility considering the time we've been fighting this battle. Pregnancy doesn't fix me, I just had a little an enormous amount of help getting here. I will be right back to where we started if we ever want to try for more kids (again...should this work out). My egg supply will still be null and void, and Andy's sperm will still be having seizures down the happy canal. I will never forget the raw emotions of this journey, nor will I forget my homies still struggling here in blogland! I pray that our story will give somebody hope. I pray everyday that we will ALL be blessed with what so many take for granted!

Andy has been feeding me well and is being very particular about my diet. I'm being spoiled with lots of fish (salmon, tilapia), fruits, veggies, and fresh smoothies. I even tried some wasabi edamame and thought that I was going to blow fire out of the other end. I better stick with the regular bean. If there's really a baby in there, then this is the most critical part of development and I have to make sure I'm eating well. I'm pounding about 2-3 liters of water a day, peeing like a rushing racehorse, and making sure that I keep up with my vitamins & folic acid. I've been passing out around 9 pm-ish every night and sleeping like a rock all through the night, with the exception of a pee break around 5 am every morning. It's like clockwork! I think that I had a little nausea this morning? Maybe it's all in my head, I don't know. I sure was proud of it though! I will gladly throw my guts up in a toilet, trashcan, on the floor...whatever, for 9 months if it means a baby in the end! Hopefully I won't eat my words, ha!

Anyway, two more days until our 3rd beta. I'm not sure what number they are looking for, but if I've calculated correctly, it should be well over 5,000 if things are progressing normally. I will find out on Friday when our first ultrasound will be...probably the following Friday when I am 6w2d. Until then, I hope that Boom Boom and/or Pow are alive and thriving! Sometimes I feel a random pinch on each side of my uterus, so I'd like to think that they are both snuggling in. All we can do is wait, Wait, WAIT!

11dp5dt...Beta #2

Soooooooo....

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443!!!

They wanted at least a 60% increase from Beta #1 (224), and it pretty much doubled in 48 hours! Yay!! They also said my progesterone level is perfect and resulted >40.

HCG is a hormone produced by the placenta shortly after implantation. In most normal pregnancies the HCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours and it normally increases by at least 60% every two days. When it gets to about 1200 it continues to climb a little slower. After about 2-3 months it will start to decline and eventually plateau.

Here's my Babymed.com HCG chart for the average Singleton values:

This basically shows that my levels are well above the max average for a singleton...but I think it could still go either way. I've heard from several ladies who had similar numbers and only had one in there...so, we'll see! So frickin' excited AND nervous about what happened last time. However, we are feeling much better about this pregnancy!

I go back next Friday for my 3rd Beta, and then my ultrasound will probably be in 2 weeks. So far away. I'm living my life through 2 week waits. Hopefully it will be worth it in the long run!

Thank you all SO MUCH again for all of your sweet comments...I love reading them and they all bring a smile to my face! I've been sucking at commenting lately, but I promise I'm trying to keep up with everybody's blogs!

I'm feeling fine...and loving all of the mini symptoms I've experienced thus far. I'm getting a little more fatigued during the day, my sense of smell is that of a bloodhound, looks like I've had a boob job, intermittent cramping, and some lower back pain. All of these symptoms come and go. I actually feel...normal. Sometimes I forget that my body is going haywire inside right now! Hopefully these are signs of a viable pregnancy.

I've had a pretty crazy week at work...now they've decided to make "changes" and switch our teams around. We're basically losing a team member and will have to work twice as hard to get the job done. Of course this ALWAYS happens when I'm in the middle of a cycle and already stressed out. They love to stress us out. All I know is that if they make me have another miscarriage from unnecessary stress, they'll be paying my IVF bill! Hormonal Jessica has just about HAD IT! That is all.

Thank you all again, and please pray for another strong Beta next Friday!

Min: 324

9dp5dt...It's Beta Time

The last time we were pregnant from an IVF cycle, our first beta came back at 76. That number never really increased, and we ended up having a miscarriage at 7 weeks.

Today, my first Beta came back at... wait for it....wait for it....

 224!!!! Eeeek!!!!

My nurse said they want it to be at least 50, and they are thrilled if it's over 100. Progesterone was 25 today, which they are okay with. I have to go back Friday to make sure it increases at least 60%.

Omg...224. I'm in shock. This does not feel real. Twins?? Omg!!!!!

Oh shit.

8dp5dt

Working as an oncology nurse, I get to see very bad things happen to very good people. I was just reminded again today how short life is, and to never take family or friends for granted. Today was one of the hardest days I have EVER had to endure as a nurse. Ever.

I carried it home with me today. People have always asked me, "How do you work with cancer patients? That must be so depressing." My answer to that is that my days are usually not filled with grief and sadness. Most patients are very upbeat and positive. They are ready to put up a fight, and they don't let their guards down. The moment they find out they have cancer, their life flips upside-down and their priorities immediately change. They start having more fun, going on vacations, spending more time with family, and not letting the "little things" get them down.

I think that because of what I'm exposed to everyday, I have changed my priorities in life. Whenever I feel like I'm making a big deal out of something, I try to take a step back and ask myself, "Does it really matter? It could be worse, Jessica."

Whenever my mother is getting on my nerves, I have to remind myself that I watch children sit next to their dying mothers every. single. day. They watch that chemo drip, drip, drip and pray that it is going to save their mom's life so that they can go back to their normal lives. I am one of the lucky ones.

Yes, I make a big deal out of not being able to have children. About being infertile. I worry that I'll never be a mom to someone. But, at least Andy and I are healthy...and our family is healthy. It could be worse.

So, tonight as I stare at my bout of psychosis on the bathroom counter, I will remember how precious life can be...and how blessed we are at this point in time. I will pray for those who are heavy on my heart and have lost their battle to cancer....what a horrible disease.

 Andy bought me a pack of digitals. You can blame him for contributing to my problem.

7dp5dt

Let the psychosis begin.

If you followed me the last time we had a BFP, my POAS obsession was out. of. control. It became somewhat of an addiction to watch that line get darker and darker. I think that it was some sort of coping mechanism for me? I remember doing it when I woke up, sometimes in the middle of the day, and then again before bedtime. I looked at them and compared them every time I went to the bathroom. I would come up with excuses to go to the bathroom so that I could look at them. Andy would roll his eyes and call me a freak. Here is the picture to prove it.

Did I really just admit that? There is just something about waiting so long to see those two lines. Don't take it for granted!

Welp...here we go again. When we attended the RESOLVE conference in Atlanta last year, we racked up on some HPT's. I swear that almost every booth was giving them away. I never understood why they would be giving away pregnancy tests at an infertility conference. But, whatever. Those things are expensive!

So, here's my loot (some are fertility tests that are even more useless for me....considering I have no eggs)

I'm sure that once these run out, I will be buying out Dollar Tree's stock. Those are the best tests ever. And cheap!

Here is my line comparison, including today's. Always reassuring to see it get darker.

Today was my first day back at work and it went okay. I'm trying not to overdo it, but I kind of have to act "normal" so that people won't wonder what is going on. I am a nurse and on my feet all day long, so this could definitely pose a challenge! 

I will never complain, but would just like to document the pregnancy symptoms I've been experiencing. The only things that I have noticed up until today have been the period-like cramping, boobs, constant lower back pain, frequent urination, boobs, diarrhea, headache, boobs, bloating, boobs, feeling hot, and massive...sore...boobs. I love it. That is all.

We still can't believe this is happening again. We want to thank all of you again for the overwhelming love and support through emails and comments. We love you all! We are not out of the woods yet...anxiously awaiting those beta numbers. Please hurry up Wednesday!

Until then, I have some sticks to pee on.

6dp5dt

God answers prayers one of three ways: 

      1. He says yes and gives you what you want. 

      2. He says no and gives you something better. 

      3. He says wait and gives you the best.

I think that after 6+ years, He gave us number 3:)

Please please please if you know us in real life, keep this to yourself. We are scared about what happened last time (no heartbeat), so until we are comfortable in knowing that this is real and viable, we do not plan on making an announcement anytime soon. Please do not facebook us or ask us about it in public. We are still very early right now. Thank you so much for understanding:)

I had another vivid dream Friday night that I was peeing on sticks and they were all positive. When I woke up, I was so anxious about it that I just went ahead and did it. I didn't want to say anything yesterday because I wanted to make sure today before I mentioned it on my blog! 

Last night, I dreamt that we were getting an ultrasound and it was twins...until my doctor said that one of them didn't have a brain and the other looked like a baby chick. God help me.

A couple of people have mentioned concern about having the trigger shot in my system and to be careful about false positives. I forgot to mention that I did not have to take the trigger shot this time because we had to use donor eggs. So, our donor had to do all of the dirty work. 

We are excited, but very nervous...which is understandable. "Cautiously optimistic" as we usually say in Infertility Land. I don't think we will breathe until we see a heartbeat and make it out of the first trimester. Actually, I don't think there will ever be a time where we stop worrying. All we know is that this is 100% out of our hands and God has control of the reins.

Our first Beta isn't until Wednesday, so that is yet another hurdle we will have to overcome. If we see the numbers high and doubling, then that will give us a better idea of if this is a viable pregnancy. Our first ultrasound to see a heartbeat would be around 6 weeks, which would be towards the end of July. Eeeek.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your prayers and support...please keep them coming! I can't believe this is happening...we may FINALLY become parents! And my boobs may FINALLY be bigger than my sister's!

5dp5dt

First off, thanks for all of the compliments on the haircut! I love it...it's going to take a lot of getting used to because I am so used to having it long! I will definitely save in the shampoo/conditioner department.

All is well here. I've just been enjoying all of my family being in town and trying to take it easy. I continue to have an upset stomach almost every day. I know this is TMI, but, I eat...and it goes straight through me. Probably because I've been eating pounds of fruit and veggies everyday.

Last night, Andy and I went out for Italian and I left with a splitting headache and became extremely tired. We went straight home and I passed out very early. I had to get up once to pee around 3 am, and woke up in a pool of sweat this morning. And...my boobs are getting massive!

Hopefully these are good signs! I'm trying to hold out on POAS...I'm starting to get very anxious and I want to know...but I don't want to do it too early! Possibly tomorrow...I don't think I could do it right before I go back to work on Monday and have time to recompose myself depending on the outcome. Last time I tested positive 7dp3dt, so today would mark exactly that point with the 5dt.

Please pray! The two week wait is TORTURE!

4dp5dt

Today, my sister and I donated our hair to Locks of Love! We were both looking like Crystal Gayle clones, so it was about time. I've been growing mine out for about 3 years, while it only took my sister 1.5 years to catch up...and then some!

It feels so much better not having 5 pounds of hair to carry around in this 100 degree 91237640% humidity southern mugfest. Hopefully a few children will benefit from it!

My other sister is also here visiting from Chicago this weekend, so she met up with us at the salon to get her hair did. It's been so much fun having all three of us back together again. Love them!

I am feeling fine...still wondering what is going on down there. I'm having a little pressure/pulling/heaviness in the gonad region. I'm not really sure how to describe it. Again, not sure if it's progesterone or an answered prayer.

Before..I (L) had a total of 23 inches, and my sister (R) a total of 26. We both donated a little more than 10 inches:

First snip on mine

First snip on sister's

Me After!!! Please excuse my boobs...they came from one of two things: A. Progesterone B. Possible answered prayer

My sister after! She has the natural boobie DNA.

Chicago Sis getting her hair did!

Here's to Locks of Love!

Sisters together again for the weekend...fun times!

3dp5dt

Vivid Dreams. My life is a wack-job whilst my head layeth upon a pillow.

Last night I went to a food eating contest to watch one of my friends compete. She ate 50 cameras and won the contest.

Yes, cameras.

Afterwards, I had to move back to Alabama and was made to work on the same hospital floor that I was at when I lived there. Which, by the way, is Hell on Earth. If I ever have to go back to work in a hospital I will change careers.

I then awoke from that nightmare to pee around 5 am. My stomach was also pretty upset. Probably from the 76 pounds of fruit I ate yesterday.

Once I was able to fall back asleep, I found myself at a huge outside party surrounded by everyone on my Facebook friend list. I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom only to find that the toilets sat freely throughout the lawn for all to watch. Apparently I didn't care so I sat down on one for what felt like 20 minutes and could never pee. I had the sensation, but it just wouldn't ever...come out. Andy got tired of waiting for me, so he picked up the toilet with me on it and carried me around the party. Pants on the ground and all. I don't think I ever peed.

Progesterone side effects? Geez! I can't wait to go to sleep tonight to see what other adventures are in store for me!

Otherwise, nothing much new. I don't feel pregnant, but it is wayyyy to early to tell. Still cramping down there, but that is about all.

One of my best friends is bringing us dinner tonight, so I can't wait to catch up with her! Will be a good time. Tomorrow, I get to finally get out of the house! My sister and I are getting our mops chopped to donate to Locks of Love. We've been growing our hair out for awhile and both look like Crystal Gayle, so it's about time! I will post pics tomorrow!

2dp5dt

Below is technically what should be going on in with Boom Boom and Pow right now. I have put them in God's hands and constantly pray that they are thriving and doing their thing down there! I have not really had any weird happenings until this morning. I began having intermittent sharp pains in my uterus that shot up throughout my abdomen, and the boobs are getting pretty sore and swelling. However, the progesterone can cause all of these same side effects, so I don't want to get my hopes up!

I have been asked if I'm going to POAS (pee on a stick) this week and the answer to that is, um, hell yeah! I mean, seriously? I'm a peestickoholic. I didn't spend all of this money to torture myself for another two weeks. I haven't decided exactly when I will test...probably sometime this weekend. Even then it may be too early to get an accurate HPT. Our beta is scheduled to be drawn next Wednesday, July 13.

I just want to remind you that if you know me in real life, please keep everything you read on my blog to yourself. We have not told many people that we are going through with this again, and if it works we will not be telling anyone until we are far enough along to feel comfortable in making an announcement. It is very stressful to openly talk about it all of the time, not to mention having to "un-tell" people should something go horribly wrong...which often happens when dealing with these fertility treatments. Thanks again to all of you for understanding, and for all of your love, prayers, and support:)

 

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Snowbabies!

1dp5dt

Our embryologist called to let us know he was able to freeze five of our embabies today! They were all Grade A beautiful blasts! This is SO reassuring to us. We have never made it to a 5 day transfer, nor have any left over to freeze.

What this means is that we can use those, two at a time, to do frozen cycles should this one not work out. This is a much easier process because I would not have to wait for a donor to stim...they would just regulate my cycle, thaw them, and do a transfer. There is a risk that they would not survive the thawing process, but this doesn't happen very often. Through our Shared Risk program, we have unlimited FET cycles already paid for. Once all of the cryopreserved eggs are gone, we can move onto another fresh cycle. Overall, we are contracted to three fresh cycles and unlimited frozen cycles.

If this cycle did work, then we have the snowbabies to use in the future should we ever want more children...yay! It would be much cheaper to do a FET cycle in a few years than it would be to shell out money for another fresh cycle. I'm pretty sure that we have reached beyond our limit financially for another fresh cycle.

I am a little disappointed because I found out today that we can't get any pictures of our embabies transferred yesterday! After questioning the embryologist directly, he told me that he believed the system was struck by lightening over the weekend and that he wasn't even able to take the picture:(

Bummer.

Sooo, we have decided to go ahead and name our embabies. Technically, they are our children so we have always done this. It just so happens that they are always conceived around a holiday. Last time we named them Giblet, Shweet T, Gobble, Hambone, Greenbean, Cornbread, and Cranberry because we had a Thanksgiving transfer.

The two in my belly will be called Boom Boom and Pow in honor of an Independance Day transfer. We have named the snowbabies Sparkler, Bottle Rocket, Jumpin' Jack, Snake, and Snap Pop.

Lol.

Right now I am still on bed rest and taking full advantage of Andy being my biotch. He's been so good to me by bringing me medicines, making healthy meals, and concocting yummy smoothies! I'm down to 1 PIO injection every a.m., but I had to add the progesterone va jay-jay suppository at night. I'm also still popping estrogen pills 3x/day.

I'm also going with the wives tale of eating pineapple with core every day for 5 days, starting with the day of transfer. It worked last time, so I'm trying it again! Apparently the core contains an enzyme called bromelain that aids in implantation. By Friday I will have eaten an entire pineapple. Yummy! Even Griswold thinks so...

Got My Preggo On!

I was fine until yesterday when I started sweating balls that something could go wrong today. I mean, look at everything else that has happened to us...haha!

However...

We transferred two perfect grade blasts this morning!!! Woohoo! One was graded 4aa, and the other was 4bb. One was about to start hatching and we still have another five marinating until tomorrow. Our doctor is very hopeful that we will get some snowbaby siblings! Here is a good reference link on how they grade the blasts.

He said that this is the best possible scenerio that you could have during a transfer! God is so good!

We are still in Charleston and I am laid up on bed rest for a few days. We will head back home tomorrow morning so that I can get out of this hotel room and be in my own comfy bed. We brought Griswold here, and have been spoiling him by letting him sleep in the bed with us. I swear it is like sleeping with a horse. He's got to go back to that crate. Evicted!

Here are a few pics from our fun morning...I was all doped up on Valium and feeling the flow! Their printer was broken and I don't have a pic of the actual embryos, but I will get one from them later this week to share!

Dressing up in our space suits and hair nets

 All ready to go!

After the transfer. Andy looks like he's crying. I'm all doped up on Valium.

Arrow pointing to our two babies in my uterus! Big black blob on top is my bladder...about to explode!

Our babies are in there! I had to go feed them Mexican for their first meal.

A huge thanks to all of our troops on this 4th of July, especially my bro-in-law who has been deployed for 1.5 years and won't be home until next year.

Hopefully today will mark our independence from infertility! Stick babies stick!

A Sign?

I'm kind of skeptical about signs, but this was just too weird! Before leaving for Charleston yesterday, Andy checked the mail and this was in it...a brochure from a local hospital inviting us to give birth at their newly renovated women's center. All I have to say is.... Freaky!