Welp, Cycle Canceled. k.

Welp, found out today that this cycle has been canceled because our Donor came back as a carrier for one of the genetic diseases they screen for. Therefore, this disqualifies her from being an egg donor.

My first question...why did they let her in the pool without testing her first?? Welp, all of the genetic testing is expensive (out of our pockets) and they don't run those tests until the donor is picked. It would be a waste of money for our clinic to pay out of pocket for all of the genetic testing when there is a chance a lot of the donors never get picked.

The only information she gave me was that it would most likely affect my child if it was a boy. I'm guessing she was probably a carrier for Hemophilia or Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy because those are the most common x-linked recessive disorders.

My nurse was as bummed as I was...however, I'm glad that they are so strict with screening and caught it. So, cute little girl that looked exactly like me as a baby is out of this ball game!

She said gave us a new password to log on to the donor pool again so that we can pick another. I am to stay on the pill so she can keep control of my cycle. I'm still keeping my appointment in Charleston on Monday to have all of our testing done (sonohystogram/labs/consents).  If we pick another Primary position, then we have to wait for another girl to pick that donor too. If we pick a Secondary, then we can keep the same momentum and hopefully stay on track. It would throw the dates off a little bit by having to test a new girl and get cycles synced, but shouldn't make too big of a difference. Our nurse said that if she's not mistaken, our second pick is still waiting on a secondary. That would make it easier just to go in and submit her as our first.

The problem with going Secondary is that we could be dropped if she doesn't produce enough and the Primary would get all of the eggs. I asked her about this and she said that she only sees Secondaries get dropped about 5% of the time.

As Andy and Jessica luck would have it, we went to log on and the site keeps telling me that our username and password are invalid. My clinic is closed. So, I'm writing this blog post instead of combing through donors. I guess I will have to call her first thing in the morning to get it straightened out.

I'm not upset....we didn't even expect to do this until May-June anyway. We have been waiting 6 years, so what's another month anyway?!? Delays and the waiting game are what define infertility treatments and I'm all too familiar with that. The only thing it messes up is the time I already submitted off work, and that it might interfere with other coworker's vacation time. I can't worry about that though. This is my priority and I need to stop putting my life on hold for work!

Welp, I'm trusting in God and keeping the Faith that it will all work out in the end. It has to! It's just a little bump in the road. Our Christmas miracle will just have to be a Valentine's miracle! Or maybe a St. Patty's Day miracle. I could give birth and then drink some green beer. Fawesome.

You Gotta Have Faith-a-Faith-a-Faith-ahhhh

Okay, so I have to drop the comedy act and get all serious on y'all...but just this once. I might even throw in a surprise T-Shirt Tuesday to cheery up your day!

I received the following letter from a close friend of mine and wanted to share it with you all. She found these words of inspiration in a book that she is currently reading, and thought that it would give me hope. She was right...it gave me chills and gave me some perspective as to why Andy and I have come to this particular crossroad in our relationship. This excerpt not only applies to infertility, but to many issues in life that someone may face. Thank you, sweet friend, for your comforting words and support!

Why did God allow this to happen to me?

There comes a time in your life when you have to take a step out in faith and really believe that God has a plan for your life. Everyone you know and everything that happens is God's hand trying to bring you closer to him.

Take a step further, you need to believe that God's plan will make you happy. This may seem contradictory to your current situation, but remember, things are not always what they seem. You are in the thick of the situation. You are filled with anger, resentment, grief...but God knows your pain! He knows what you are going through, he is aware of what is happening in your life, and he is trying to help you learn and grow through these circumstances. It may seem like a jumbled mess now, but if you allow God access to your life, he will take it and make it something wonderful. He will make you happier than you could ever imagine.

In addition to being present in your life, God has a plan. It takes hope for the future to survive >>insert problem here<< and hope is possible, even on the darkest of nights. 

It also takes Faith. Trust in God.

"I know you are suffering. I love you, and now I want to show you the way through your suffering into happiness." Christ says. 

While you may not have a clue as to what God has planned for you in the future, you can be rest assured that it is going to be better than you can imagine.

Now, I don't want to turn this into a Bible study, but this really made my heart happy. I've never really told a lot of people this, but Andy and I have been together 13 years and never had a relationship with God until recently. As a matter of fact, the only time we've stepped foot in a church together was our wedding (in a chapel, if that's even considered church), and for special events. I was raised Catholic, but several issues turned me away from the church during my high school years.

It was infertility that brought us to God in January of last year right after we lost our baby. We saw a video sermon online from the church we go to now, and in it was a couple they interviewed about their recent stillbirth. They inspired me because even though they just lost their baby at full term, they believed that there was a reason for it and they still had FAITH. Sure, they were extremely upset...but they didn't hate God. They knew that God needed their baby for a special reason, and would leave them with a gift of peace unlike any kind that the world can give. Sure enough, she was pregnant again a few months later and were blessed with a healthy baby this past Christmas.

We may never know God's reasoning in taking their baby, but they remained patient, kept their faith, and because of this, they were blessed in the end. They never gave up on God or rebelled against Him.

Now, the freaky part of this story is that the father in this story had been popping up in my life at random times in the last few years. He is a pastor at our new church and when I ran into him, he would always ask me if we had a church. It's just weird to me how all of these events just fell into place. What brought me to that church's website, and what brought me to that particular sermon about "Loss" right when I had my own miscarriage?

Was it God's plan to put us through infertility hell to bring Andy and I to Him? It certainly seems so. Had we gotten pregnant the first month of trying, we may have never stepped foot in a church. And if we hadn't stepped foot in our church last January, there's a good chance we would be divorced right now. We were on the verge of hating life and hating each other.

As quoted above, "Everyone you know and everything that happens is God's hand trying to bring you closer to him....He is trying to help you learn and grow through these circumstances."

Before last January, I never understood why people would get "saved", why they would give up sleep and waste their Sunday mornings in church showing off their clothes and gossiping. Our struggle with infertility made my hatred even worse. I would never think in a million years that the tables would turn and I would be a Jesus freak. Believe me, I am the last person who would have thought that this would be my life. We have been tested time and time again, and this is probably the reason why.

I know the subject of religion is controversial, but I just wanted to share our story. I just have to remember that I cannot control the outcome of anything, and I have to have faith and trust that our prayers will eventually be answered.

Infertility sucks, but I'm grateful that it brought me to God, a new outlook in life, faith, and saved our marriage. Andy and I have gained a powerful coping mechanism that gives us hope when we're at our weakest.

We "allowed God access to our lives. He will take it and make it something wonderful. He will make us happier than we could ever imagine."

I certainly hope so! ;)

Before this river becomes an ocean, before you throw my heart back on the floor...Oh baby, I reconsider my foolish notion. Well, I need someone to hold me but I'll wait for something more. Yes, I've got to have faith. I've got to have faith-a-faith-a-faith-ahhh. 

~George

Thing 1, Thing 2, and Cindy Lou Who

It's time to hop back on the Scream Machine again...our ride on the IVF roller coaster is back in full effect!

Before I get started, I know that several of you who read this are IRL (in real life) friends/family and that is completely fine. You all have been so supportive of us and we love you all. However, Andy and I have chosen to not make any "public" announcements this time around. This is for our own self preservation. The only people that I work with who know that we are starting another cycle are my nursing manager and whomever chooses to read this blog. That being said, if you are reading this please DO NOT bring it up to me or anyone else at work. If this actually works, I do not want the entire world knowing until we confirm that it is absolutely viable....which probably means when I push an actual live baby out of my woohoo. I haven't completely decided, but there will probably be no Facebook posts if it does work. I don't even want baby showers because they give me panic attacks. All we want are lots of prayers and a healthy baby in 9 months. Thanks for understanding.

I never thought that I would be so excited to have Aunt Flow visit...of course she was a day late and I had one of those !!!What if this is a miracle!!! moments, but for the 58,391,922,896th month in a row she knocked on my cervical door. Her love never fails.

We received our tentative schedule, and the timeframe was wayyyy different than what I had speculated. I started my BCP yesterday, and will be adding the dreaded Lupron injections to the mix around 3/9. I have to drive to Charleston the first of March to have my saline sonohystogram performed, mock transfer, and full blood work panel on both Andy and myself. It is at that time we can apply for the Shared Risk Program, and if accepted, we will purchase a package that includes three fresh donor cycles, and three frozen donor cycles. If it doesn't work after all six cycles, we get a 100% refund. Which means that we would have the funds to "just adopt".

Please pray that we get accepted into the program! I don't know what we would do if they turn us down...I don't think I could stomach gambling that much money for one try and no refunds. Our coordinator said that as long as my uterus is pretty, we shouldn't have a problem. My lining has always been around 11-12mm (which is f'awesome) so hopefully we'll be good to go.

Around 3/19 I will begin Estrogen support. Since we are doing a split cycle, our nurse (Sam-I-Am, RN) is trying to coordinate myself (Thing One), the other girl's (Thing Two), and the donor's (Cindy Lou Who) cycles. That woman was blessed with the gift of strategy...and I am obsessed with Dr. Seuss, so I'm going to nickname everyone to make this process easier.

While I'm at it, I'll call our fertility doc Dr. Seuss. Bless.

Once she gets mine and Thing Two's uterus thick and pretty, we will just basically hang out and marinate on Lupron/Estrogen while Cindy Lou Who does all of the dirty work! I will just have to go in every other week to have my lining checked. I can't tell you how relieved I am to not have to go through the whole stimulation process. It was a bloated horrid mess! Cindy Lou Who will stimulate and then have the egg retrieval once her follicles are mature. We will then split the eggs with Thing 2, and our share will be fertilized with Andy's sperm. We will transfer the embryos three to five days after retrieval, depending on how they are dividing.

According to our calendar, retrieval will be on or around April 13th, and the transfer will take place around April 16th-18th!!! That is, if everything goes as planned. Much earlier than we expected. Now that I think about it, this is exactly 6 years after I came off of birth control to start trying. Crazy.

Anyway, this timing should work out well because our 10 year anniversary is May 19th and we requested that week off work. If it works, then we'll have an entire week off work to be extremely happy. If it doesn't work, then we'll have an entire week off work to go on a road trip and drink insane amounts of alcohol.

So, let's play the glass is half full. If it works this time, then I will be due right after Christmas! How awesome would that be? I've always wanted a Christmas baby, so maybe it will finally come true. Six years of hell for one awesome Christmas would be the ultimate blessing.

Now, I will introduce the characters in our little daytime drama...I have to do this or else I will go crazy having to describe I-You-He-She-It-We-They in all of my blog posts. This makes it fun...and easier!

Our Nurse, Sam-I-Am, carrying our Green Eggs and Ham.

In reality, she's a girl, so just imagine Sam with a little less facial hair.

Andy and Jessica, Thing 1

The Other Couple, Thing 2

Our Infertility Doctor, Dr. Seuss. 

Hmmm. He's not as creepy looking in real life.

And our angel, Cindy Lou Who.

Hopefully she will help to bring us our Christmas miracle!

*Disclaimer for the crazies: All of the above images, names, characters, and references were created by Dr. Seuss and obtained from the internet. I am not taking credit for them, only keeping his legacy alive. This blog post is based on true events, however, has been fictionalized and all persons appearing in this post are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. And if you want to sue me, please consult with my infertility doctor because he has all of my money. So there.