Today, I would have been 12 weeks pregnant...almost out of the first trimester. I am so bummed.
Is this how it's going to be? Am I going to obsess over every pregnancy milestone that would have been? At 18 weeks, I'm going to wonder if it was a boy or a girl. At 20 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to have our baby doing flips in my tummy. At 28 weeks, I'm going to wonder what our baby would have looked like on a 4D ultrasound. At 36 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to wobble and be short of breath. At 40 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to be a mom. I'm obviously going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
I know I said that I wanted to take a break and get my mind off of everything, but I just can't seem to escape. Argh.
Pregnancy and children are around me every.single.day. I can't get away from it. Everyone that I work with is either pregnant or has children. It is a topic of everyday conversation...I have to either get up and walk away, or sit to the side like an outcast. I'm just going to have to figure out a way to get over it. I'm sure this is part of the grieving process, and I hope that I'm going to come out of this funk soon. I can't even think about spending time with my own baby nieces without feeling like I would have a meltdown.
Screw you infertility.
God has handed me the biggest challenge of my life so far. I will never be the same. All I ask is for God to please give me the strength to get through this. If not, our due date of August 14th is going to tear me up and send me to the looney bin.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A New Adventure...Part 1
I'm trying not to dwell too much on our recent loss and the hell on earth we call infertility, so I thought that I would get away from that for a few weeks and do some random posts about our haphazard life together. As a matter of fact, the ONLY thing we've ever planned in our marriage is having children. So let this be a lesson to you newlyweds...get knocked up ASAP. Don't worry about your education, careers, saving money to be a stay at home mom, buying a house, or enjoying your life together first. You need to spend all of your savings, throw out the birth control, and go get jiggy with it. Just do it.
Believe me, we are the King and Queen of "If you wait until you are ready to have children, you won't have them."
Did I really just digress? I am sorry. Like my sister always says...no regrets, just lessons learned.
Andy and I have been known to jump in a car and just...drive. Wherever the road takes us is basically where we end up. For instance, Memorial Day Weekend 2007. We had, what, like three days off of work? What started as a simple roadtrip to the coast of South Carolina, landed us in NYC. In three short days, we visited the major landmarks of D.C., climbed the Empire State building, got rowdy in Times Square, took a boat ride to the Statue of Liberty, walked through Central Park, visited Ground Zero (so sad), Rockefeller Center, Chinatown, Grand Central Station, and made the subway our biotch. We had so much fun, and even got to meet up with a childhood friend who lives there now.
Also in 2007, I had the pleasure of visiting my best friend from nursing school who lived in Hawaii. Her hubby was stationed there, so all I had to do was buy a plane ticket and take the trip of a lifetime. We drove around the entire island of Oahu...I was able to see everything. My favorite part was snorkling in Hanauma Bay...or maybe it was visiting where Lost is filmed! Andy had to be left out of this adventure because of work issues which was a bummer. I will take him back one day though!
Our next big roadtrip happened in 2008...to the Wild West. It was a little more thought out since we had to take some time off of work, but we didn't make reservations anywhere. When we got tired of driving or found a town that we liked, we would pull over and stay the night. My awesome parents were able to come along with us on this trip. In 10 days, we changed a flat tire in Kentucky, went to the top of the St. Louis Arch, drove through Missouri and Kansas, explored Denver & Vail, gasped at Utah (the most beautiful state), tore up Vegas, stood in amazement at the Hoover Dam, went rafting on the Colorado River in the bottom of the Grand Canyon, rode a helicopter out of the Grand Canyon, explored almost every rim of the Canyon, visited the meteor crater in Arizona, and drove back to South Carolina through the southernmost states. Incredible experience. I must say that we live on the wrong side of the country.
We made it to Colorado in one piece!
What happens in Vegas...
We're going to run across that?!? Glad I have long term disability insurance.
Wish us luck!!!
Believe me, we are the King and Queen of "If you wait until you are ready to have children, you won't have them."
Did I really just digress? I am sorry. Like my sister always says...no regrets, just lessons learned.
Andy and I have been known to jump in a car and just...drive. Wherever the road takes us is basically where we end up. For instance, Memorial Day Weekend 2007. We had, what, like three days off of work? What started as a simple roadtrip to the coast of South Carolina, landed us in NYC. In three short days, we visited the major landmarks of D.C., climbed the Empire State building, got rowdy in Times Square, took a boat ride to the Statue of Liberty, walked through Central Park, visited Ground Zero (so sad), Rockefeller Center, Chinatown, Grand Central Station, and made the subway our biotch. We had so much fun, and even got to meet up with a childhood friend who lives there now.
Empire State
Also in 2007, I had the pleasure of visiting my best friend from nursing school who lived in Hawaii. Her hubby was stationed there, so all I had to do was buy a plane ticket and take the trip of a lifetime. We drove around the entire island of Oahu...I was able to see everything. My favorite part was snorkling in Hanauma Bay...or maybe it was visiting where Lost is filmed! Andy had to be left out of this adventure because of work issues which was a bummer. I will take him back one day though!
Prettiest beach in Oahu, Bellows Beach
Our next big roadtrip happened in 2008...to the Wild West. It was a little more thought out since we had to take some time off of work, but we didn't make reservations anywhere. When we got tired of driving or found a town that we liked, we would pull over and stay the night. My awesome parents were able to come along with us on this trip. In 10 days, we changed a flat tire in Kentucky, went to the top of the St. Louis Arch, drove through Missouri and Kansas, explored Denver & Vail, gasped at Utah (the most beautiful state), tore up Vegas, stood in amazement at the Hoover Dam, went rafting on the Colorado River in the bottom of the Grand Canyon, rode a helicopter out of the Grand Canyon, explored almost every rim of the Canyon, visited the meteor crater in Arizona, and drove back to South Carolina through the southernmost states. Incredible experience. I must say that we live on the wrong side of the country.
St. Louis
Riding the elevator to the top of the Arch
If it's prohibited, I'm there.
We made it to Colorado in one piece!
Beautiful Rockies outside of Denver
Taking a break from rafting in the Grand Canyon
Utah, our favorite state.
What happens in Vegas...
About to fall into the Grand Canyon
We've had a lot of other adventures, but these were by far the best!
As we all know, 2009 was a pretty rough year for us. I am so very glad to see it go! We wiped the slate clean, and are praying that 2010 will be a better year.
I had the genius idea to push myself just a little bit further this year. I used to run a little bit as part of my workout routine, but got out of it as we got further into fertility treatments. Last week, I started training for the Bridge Run in Charleston. I even convinced my mom and Andy to do it with me...yay!!! It's a 10k run (6.2 miles) that begins in Mount Pleasant, goes over the Cooper River Bridge, and then into downtown Charleston. Hopefully I can burn off the 10 Lbs I gained during the last IVF cycle/pregnancy. I'm so excited and I hope that I don't end up in the hospital before all of this is over.
Our crazy adventures have been put on hold for awhile, but that doesn't mean we can't accept new challenges and push ourselves just a little bit further this year.
Cooper River Bridge...this picture was taken while we were in Charleston for our 1st IVF cycle. I LOVE this bridge.
We're going to run across that?!? Glad I have long term disability insurance.
Wish us luck!!!Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
One Last Punch in the Ovaries...
Back when we were beginning IVF #2, I came across a website by the name of Fertility Socks. It is run by a sweet girl named Emily who mails out fun socks so that us gals can be stylin' while we spend a majority of our time up in the stirrups. So, naturally, I signed up to receive a pair.Fast forward to now...I had already forgotten that I ordered them when I received a plastic bag from the postal service with an empty envelope inside. Someone stole my Fertility Socks! Geez, how low can ya go? At least the post office left me a friendly apology note. Because, you know, they care and all.
Oh, the irony of it all:) Maybe this is the sign that I've been looking for. No socks = Stop treatments??? If we don't do the 3rd and final IVF in our shared risk package, will we regret it later on down the road? Will we say "what if"? Will we be at peace with that decision?
We've been struggling with the question of what to do next...and maybe God is putting the answer right in front of our face. We've had a lot of weird signs over the last couple of weeks that leads us to believe He is dropping subtle answers in our laps. I will have more details later. One thing we do know is that we don't want to rush into making any decisions right now while we are still grieving our loss.
I will say that we are beginning to have more hope.
To the person who is wearing my Fertility Socks...maybe you helped us to find an answer to our nagging questions. Maybe you did us a favor. I just pray that your feet look pretty and you have better luck in those stirrups than we did.
Click here to find out more information on how you can donate cute socks to help Fertility Socks with their fun mission!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wordless Wednesday
Now, let me mess up the "Wordless" part...my poor baby is blind and we find her doing things like this all of the time. Bless her heart...I have to laugh at her, I can't help it!Thursday, January 7, 2010
Road to Recovery
We are still alive...just laying low for the past week!
First off, thank you soooooo much for all of the comments/emails/facebooks...and thanks to whoever gave our story to LFCA...the support has been amazing. Thanks a million times over!
I had a D & C last Wednesday (Dec. 30) and everything went smoothly...if smooth is even a good description for such a grim procedure. It wasn't even scheduled until 2pm and they made me NPO after midnight, so needless to say I was starving and extremely parched by the time recovery was over! My mom and Andy were there with me from start to finish. My bestie dropped by the house to bring my all-time favorite meal...Chick-fil-A! I passed out around 8 pm after a chicken sandwich, some Rainbow Twizzlers (a.k.a awesomeness), and a Percocet washed down with a swig of sweet tea. I didn't budge until 11 the next morning.
The best part was the financial paperwork I had to sign beforehand...the procedure fee wasn't $900. It was $4300!!! The $900 was just to meet my deductable...2 days before the year was over. Thank God insurance paid the rest. I'm sorry I'm so obsessed with the cost of this...I just can't believe how much this doctor charged for it. He should be ashamed of himself.
Ridiculousness!
Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.
We've been doing okay...emotionally we are pissed, disappointed, and sad. Physically, I think I'm doing okay. I will spare the details, but let's just say that this has been the worst cycle of my life! I guess what I'm experiencing is normal??? I haven't started to get lightheaded or anything, but man...I've lost a good bit and it doesn't act like it's going anywhere...anytime soon! Someone who has been through this, please enlighten me!
My bestie also gave us the keys to her family's condo on Hilton Head Island. How awesome is that? We have the greatest friends ever. We were able to get away for New Year's and the weekend so that we could relax, recover, and pick up the pieces.
We are still getting over the loss, so we haven't really talked about what we want to do next, if anything. We do know that it probably won't involve biological children. IVF was our last hope for that, and apparently the two of us don't make strong enough embryos for it to be successful. We do know that adoption, surrogates, donor eggs, donor sperm, and frozen embryos exist...we get asked about these all of the time. It's just all so overwhelming right now. We don't want all of these decisions to revolve around money, all that really matters is that we have a family eventually, right? However, we need to be realistic and responsible with our finances. Only time will tell, and I'm sure that the answer will eventually come to us.
We both went back to work this week and I think that it has helped to keep our minds off of everything. We decided to start fixing up the house since we have neglected it for the last few years. When we had our house built, they painted all of the walls khaki...we now have a gold living room and a soon-to-be ruby red bathroom! Color is SO much better!
Who knows, we may just sell the house...I wasn't kidding about the island life!
First off, thank you soooooo much for all of the comments/emails/facebooks...and thanks to whoever gave our story to LFCA...the support has been amazing. Thanks a million times over!
I had a D & C last Wednesday (Dec. 30) and everything went smoothly...if smooth is even a good description for such a grim procedure. It wasn't even scheduled until 2pm and they made me NPO after midnight, so needless to say I was starving and extremely parched by the time recovery was over! My mom and Andy were there with me from start to finish. My bestie dropped by the house to bring my all-time favorite meal...Chick-fil-A! I passed out around 8 pm after a chicken sandwich, some Rainbow Twizzlers (a.k.a awesomeness), and a Percocet washed down with a swig of sweet tea. I didn't budge until 11 the next morning.
The best part was the financial paperwork I had to sign beforehand...the procedure fee wasn't $900. It was $4300!!! The $900 was just to meet my deductable...2 days before the year was over. Thank God insurance paid the rest. I'm sorry I'm so obsessed with the cost of this...I just can't believe how much this doctor charged for it. He should be ashamed of himself.
Ridiculousness!
Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.
We've been doing okay...emotionally we are pissed, disappointed, and sad. Physically, I think I'm doing okay. I will spare the details, but let's just say that this has been the worst cycle of my life! I guess what I'm experiencing is normal??? I haven't started to get lightheaded or anything, but man...I've lost a good bit and it doesn't act like it's going anywhere...anytime soon! Someone who has been through this, please enlighten me!
My bestie also gave us the keys to her family's condo on Hilton Head Island. How awesome is that? We have the greatest friends ever. We were able to get away for New Year's and the weekend so that we could relax, recover, and pick up the pieces.
We are still getting over the loss, so we haven't really talked about what we want to do next, if anything. We do know that it probably won't involve biological children. IVF was our last hope for that, and apparently the two of us don't make strong enough embryos for it to be successful. We do know that adoption, surrogates, donor eggs, donor sperm, and frozen embryos exist...we get asked about these all of the time. It's just all so overwhelming right now. We don't want all of these decisions to revolve around money, all that really matters is that we have a family eventually, right? However, we need to be realistic and responsible with our finances. Only time will tell, and I'm sure that the answer will eventually come to us.
We both went back to work this week and I think that it has helped to keep our minds off of everything. We decided to start fixing up the house since we have neglected it for the last few years. When we had our house built, they painted all of the walls khaki...we now have a gold living room and a soon-to-be ruby red bathroom! Color is SO much better!
Who knows, we may just sell the house...I wasn't kidding about the island life!
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