Today, I would have been 12 weeks pregnant...almost out of the first trimester. I am so bummed.
Is this how it's going to be? Am I going to obsess over every pregnancy milestone that would have been? At 18 weeks, I'm going to wonder if it was a boy or a girl. At 20 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to have our baby doing flips in my tummy. At 28 weeks, I'm going to wonder what our baby would have looked like on a 4D ultrasound. At 36 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to wobble and be short of breath. At 40 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to be a mom. I'm obviously going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
I know I said that I wanted to take a break and get my mind off of everything, but I just can't seem to escape. Argh.
Pregnancy and children are around me every.single.day. I can't get away from it. Everyone that I work with is either pregnant or has children. It is a topic of everyday conversation...I have to either get up and walk away, or sit to the side like an outcast. I'm just going to have to figure out a way to get over it. I'm sure this is part of the grieving process, and I hope that I'm going to come out of this funk soon. I can't even think about spending time with my own baby nieces without feeling like I would have a meltdown.
Screw you infertility.
God has handed me the biggest challenge of my life so far. I will never be the same. All I ask is for God to please give me the strength to get through this. If not, our due date of August 14th is going to tear me up and send me to the looney bin.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
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13 comments:
You will find a way to get through this. {hugs}
I think its pretty normal to reflect on where you'd be had things gone the way the should have. Even though I've never experienced a miscarriage I do the same thing - I think about how old our child would be had we gotten pg on the first try. What's worse is I have a friend who got pg the month we started trying, and I'm reminded every time I see her son. Ugh.
Jeez, sorry to make it about me...
Anyway, I get it, and I don't think you should be too hard on yourself about it. And I know you'll get through this, because we'll all be here to help you.
Hugs.
Thinking of you...and sending ((HUGS))!!
Everything you're feeling is completely normal and you will get through it! I still sometimes think about the miscarriages I had and how old those children would be if they had survived. God has presented y'all with a big challenge, but there will probably be a bigger one to take it's place someday, whether good or bad. Keep busy and keep LIVING! You're so good at it and blessings will continue to rain down on you and Andy in ways you may not even recognize as a blessing! Keep the faith and never quit believing!
Love,
Aunt M
Thinking of You. *Hugs*
I will be praying that God will bless you with grace to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can't imagine how it is to be healing from a miscarriage, but I am fairly sure that what you're thinking is normal. Maybe you could purchase a reminder of your little one to give you something to hold/look at when you're missing him/her especially much (hug)
I guess it's good & bad, but I think that what you're feeling is 100% normal & that most women who have had a miscarriage feel the way you do...it just sucks! And I don't know that you'll ever get "over" it but I do pray that somehow God makes every day a little better & a little easier. You & Andy have been through so much & are such an example of a wonderful marriage/relationship that has stayed strong through everything!! I'm believing & praying that He has something AWESOME in store for you...it's just up to him when he reveals it! We love you & are here for you if you need anything at all!
You are in my thoughts! Its sad to say but it is perfectly normal to look at these days and aknowlede the milestone it would have been. Infertility really needs a good kick in the behind. Big hugs.
Thinking of you. HUGS.
I wish I had better news for you but I don't. I think you will always wonder about what could have been. It has been 4 years and I still do it. I will tell you this, the pain hurts less with time. I will be here holding your hand in August! Love you so much! I can't wait to see what God has in store for you both!
I love the previous post! We are so much alike! Yes, newlyweds need to jump right in and have babies!
I wish I knew the right words to say to give you strength and encouragement. I know God has great things in store for you and Andy!! I am thinking of you and sending my prayers and thoughts your way :)
i am so sorry. i wish there were something i could do! it may take years to find out why you and your hubby had to overcome this. but keep trusting in the Lord. because even though having faith in him doesn't guarantee a peaceful life, his peace will help you through the rough times in life.
You articulated what so many of us feel so well. Living with the fact that your infertile (for now) is not easy, but I promise that you will overcome those feelings. It may take a while, but you will and you will be stronger. Easy to say, harder to do. hang in there!
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