Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Sorry to be MIA, but all is good here! We have our WTF? appointment this Friday morning in Charleston...can't wait to find out our next step. We've been able to enjoy a couple of Gamecock football games and celebrate my Grandparent's 80th birthday with a huge reunion that my Aunt and Uncle threw together. We were also able to travel to the mountains of North Carolina this past weekend to meet our new niece for the first time!

I came across the following essay and would like to share it. The author is unknown, but I sure would like to meet her because she took the words right out of my mouth!


Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I WILL be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

The Scream Machine

Well, they say that infertility is a neverending emotional roller coaster. It takes forever to get to the top of each hill, and then it feeds you a huge adrenaline rush as it drops you 80 mph down the other side. Before you know it, you're twisting and turning upside down while being spit into dark tunnels. You just never know how you're going to come out on the other side. It's not for the faint of heart, it costs an arm and a leg to even get on the damn ride, and the short people are jealous because they can't join in on the fun. Well, maybe not that last part but it sounded good. It's just not fair. Most people come out alive, but not without a story to tell.

Our beta pregnancy test was negative today, but we're actually okay. Disappointed, but okay. After 4.5 years, it never really gets easier to hear "not this time"...we have just learned to tolerate it a little better. We could feel a little more upset tomorrow, but it usually comes in waves. So if we just don't feel like talking about it, please don't be offended. We don't want people to pity us or be uncomfortable around us...it's just the hand that we've been dealt and we have to accept it regardless of the outcome. I cheated anyway the entire weekend with home pregnancy tests, so I was prepared to hear it. Plus, I just never really "felt" anything. Over the years I've learned to read my body and it wasn't telling me anything different. Then again, I have never been pregnant, so that intuition could prove me wrong one day.

We're not sure when we're going to try again because it all depends on saving the money to pay for meds/ultrasounds again. Plus, we have to save up vacation time at work to be able to take time off for another cycle. We are going to schedule our "WTF?" appointment in the coming month so that we can sit down with our doctor, figure out what went wrong, and map out our next plan of action. We can definitely learn from this cycle so that we know what to do differently next time. Maybe different meds, a longer/shorter stimulation period, etc. We were told that it could take 2-3 cycles on average, so we have to be mentally prepared for that. We'll see what he has to say.

We're proud of Deuce. He put up a good fight and we're gonna miss him. Atleast I have pictures of the first ever Andyjessica at a cellular level...most people just get peanuts:)

For now, I have ripped off my estrogen patches and graciously stopped the progesterone wahoohoo suppositories. We may even head to the Carolina/UGA game this weekend and partake in some adult beverages with friends because...well...because we can.

We want to thank everyone again for the wonderful support. You have been awesome and all we ask is that you continue to keep us in your prayers. One day we will get off of this "Scream Machine" and hopefully have a +positive+ story to tell.