Well, they say that infertility is a neverending emotional roller coaster. It takes forever to get to the top of each hill, and then it feeds you a huge adrenaline rush as it drops you 80 mph down the other side. Before you know it, you're twisting and turning upside down while being spit into dark tunnels. You just never know how you're going to come out on the other side. It's not for the faint of heart, it costs an arm and a leg to even get on the damn ride, and the short people are jealous because they can't join in on the fun. Well, maybe not that last part but it sounded good. It's just not fair. Most people come out alive, but not without a story to tell.
Our beta pregnancy test was negative today, but we're actually okay. Disappointed, but okay. After 4.5 years, it never really gets easier to hear "not this time"...we have just learned to tolerate it a little better. We could feel a little more upset tomorrow, but it usually comes in waves. So if we just don't feel like talking about it, please don't be offended. We don't want people to pity us or be uncomfortable around us...it's just the hand that we've been dealt and we have to accept it regardless of the outcome. I cheated anyway the entire weekend with home pregnancy tests, so I was prepared to hear it. Plus, I just never really "felt" anything. Over the years I've learned to read my body and it wasn't telling me anything different. Then again, I have never been pregnant, so that intuition could prove me wrong one day.
We're not sure when we're going to try again because it all depends on saving the money to pay for meds/ultrasounds again. Plus, we have to save up vacation time at work to be able to take time off for another cycle. We are going to schedule our "WTF?" appointment in the coming month so that we can sit down with our doctor, figure out what went wrong, and map out our next plan of action. We can definitely learn from this cycle so that we know what to do differently next time. Maybe different meds, a longer/shorter stimulation period, etc. We were told that it could take 2-3 cycles on average, so we have to be mentally prepared for that. We'll see what he has to say.
We're proud of Deuce. He put up a good fight and we're gonna miss him. Atleast I have pictures of the first ever Andyjessica at a cellular level...most people just get peanuts:)
For now, I have ripped off my estrogen patches and graciously stopped the progesterone wahoohoo suppositories. We may even head to the Carolina/UGA game this weekend and partake in some adult beverages with friends because...well...because we can.
We want to thank everyone again for the wonderful support. You have been awesome and all we ask is that you continue to keep us in your prayers. One day we will get off of this "Scream Machine" and hopefully have a +positive+ story to tell.
18 comments:
Don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry. PLEASE don't give up hope. Yall have come so far already and WILL be blessed with being parents one day. I'm here if you need me.
Love you,
Leeann
I'm sorry babe! I know you don't want pity and I'm not going to give it to you instead I'm sending you a big hug! Enjoy your adult beverages, I did this weekend because I could...might as well enjoy being kid free!
I'm so proud of you...you are such a strong lady! Come hell or high water, we will both be mama's, I promise (even if I have to steal us two kids, just kidding)!!
babyparamore.blogspot.com
You inspire me to be a bigger person!
Love Aunt M
Hang in there and let it all hang out this weekend, even if you are going to the Georgia/Carolina game. Yuck. :)
SCREAMING right now...damn it. Deuce just wasn't sticky enough. I'm sorry, and know that I'm thinking about you both and just wanting to give you a big ole hug. Go to the game this weekend and let all of your frustration out with as many adult beverages as you can handle. This makes me want to kick something. ARGH!
Love,
Kerri
You (and even Andy) are two of the strongest human beings that I have ever known. We are so proud of you guys & love you both tremendously! Believe it or not, I love your attitude and you are such a good example to others around you who may be going through this also. Now enjoy this weekend...even if we are going to kick some Cocks butt!! Haha. Love you!
Amanda
Damn, sorry it had to be said. While I know you are both on a roller-coaster you must never forget you are in the front seat but a train full of people are behind you.
I Love You Both,
Remi
I'm sorry =(
Do whatever it takes to make you feel better. Indulge yourself a bit - going to the game seems like a really good idea.
I can completely relate to your post - you captured those thoughts so well.
Hang in there!
There is a reason that this didn't happen for y'all. I feel it in my heart that you will soon make infertility your bitch. And with cussing, I share a simple little verse...
"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."-John 14:18
Thanks everyone:) Just a little bump in the road...but I think it's gonna be alright.
And Mandy, I'll see you on Nov. 28! It's on;)
LOL You got it!! I will say (and have always said) Carolina fans are some of the nicest people. Every time we tailgate in Columbia, we have the best time. :) Your quarterback scares me a little...boy can throw the ball!
Jessica, been thinking of you and will continue.
You seem so strong...keep it up!!! Things will definitely work out.
Have a blast at the game--GO COCKS!!! Drink one for me, actually a few!! haha
Hi Jessica- Paula here, your mom's cousin from Tallahassee. I've gotten so wrapped up in reading about your experiences and I feel privileged to share in it. I know life isn't fair, but I really hoped and prayed this was your time. You and Andy are incredible people. Have fun, let your hair down (just don't go screaming down the street buck naked, for God's sake!)and keep your marraige strong no matter what you decide to do. I'll see you in Augusta next week.
Sorry for your BFN. It never gets easier. Good luck with your next IVF cycle.
(Thanks for following me. =) )
I know I'm a little late on this. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that this cycle didn't work out for you. Megan is right, it never gets easier to see that single line.
Hang in there.
Hugs.
Hi! My name is Danielle and my mom told me about you! My mom works with Katie! Your story is very touching to me and I don't want to tell you I know how you feel because only you know how you feel! I have been going thru some of these same things but maybe on a different level. I always hate when people tell me they know how I feel when they don't! It is always nice to talk to someone who has been thru what we have been thru. I really hope that one day everything works out for you and you get to hold that perfect bundle of joy! I am 27, I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have been married for almost 4 years! We started trying to get pregnant 2 1/2 years. I went off the pill and I never had a period! I found out that I had hypothyroidism and was started on medicine, well I still did not have a period and I found out that I had PCOS! Well after 8 months of trying we went to our OBGYN and he started me on clomid and low and behold we got pregnant that month! Well when I was 10 weeks I went for an ultrasound and I found out 2 things. 1 my perfect baby did not have a heartbeat and 2 that I had what is called a septated uterus (a large mass of tissue that divides your uterus in to two uteruses). I did not know what a septated uterus exactly was and I am a nurse! Well I had a D&C and my OBGYN told me that it should not prevent me from getting pregnant so he told me to keep trying on the clomid. Well we tried for 3 months with no luck. He sent me to South Eastern Fertiliy were they ran a bunch of tests. I had a HSG and it showed that I had a septated uterus that was very massive and that I would have a 60% chance of m/c everytime I got pregnant and only a 40% chance of delivering if I did not go into very early preterm labor! Well You know it is bad when you call to speak to the nurse at SEF and they say oh you are the one with the very large septated uterus! lol So I had surgery last year to fix that. Then we went back on clomid and progestrone for a few more months and I was not getting anywhere with the clomid. I was started on Femara and low and behold the first month I was pregnant. I went for an ultrasound at 8weeks and guess what no heartbeat. I actually was m/c when your sister told my mom that she was pregnant so I don't really think that she knows that I was pregnant because we were only about a month a part. I think the last thing that you want to hear when you are pregnant is that someone you know m/c because all it does is make you worry. Well I had another D&C and we waited a month and guess what we got pregnant again to only m/c the day after we found out we were pregnant. I am telling you all of this because I really feel like you would understand and when I first read your blog and you described fertily as a roller coaster that you pay too much for I was thinking you are so right and I don't know how that could be said any better. I just keep thinking that the LORD does have a plan for me and if I have to go thru all of this to eventually get my bundle of joy it is all worth the ride even though I am getting kind of tired of the ride. You know what though this is the hardest thing I have ever been thru and I do not wish it on anyone. I just know that one day we well be special parents and we will really love our kids to pieces and never and I mean never take them for granted.
Well, that is my story and I would love to talk to you! Thinking of you Danielle
Hey Danielle! Send your email address to me...jhnorrell@hotmail.com. Hope to talk to you soon:)
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