The Scream Machine

Well, they say that infertility is a neverending emotional roller coaster. It takes forever to get to the top of each hill, and then it feeds you a huge adrenaline rush as it drops you 80 mph down the other side. Before you know it, you're twisting and turning upside down while being spit into dark tunnels. You just never know how you're going to come out on the other side. It's not for the faint of heart, it costs an arm and a leg to even get on the damn ride, and the short people are jealous because they can't join in on the fun. Well, maybe not that last part but it sounded good. It's just not fair. Most people come out alive, but not without a story to tell.

Our beta pregnancy test was negative today, but we're actually okay. Disappointed, but okay. After 4.5 years, it never really gets easier to hear "not this time"...we have just learned to tolerate it a little better. We could feel a little more upset tomorrow, but it usually comes in waves. So if we just don't feel like talking about it, please don't be offended. We don't want people to pity us or be uncomfortable around us...it's just the hand that we've been dealt and we have to accept it regardless of the outcome. I cheated anyway the entire weekend with home pregnancy tests, so I was prepared to hear it. Plus, I just never really "felt" anything. Over the years I've learned to read my body and it wasn't telling me anything different. Then again, I have never been pregnant, so that intuition could prove me wrong one day.

We're not sure when we're going to try again because it all depends on saving the money to pay for meds/ultrasounds again. Plus, we have to save up vacation time at work to be able to take time off for another cycle. We are going to schedule our "WTF?" appointment in the coming month so that we can sit down with our doctor, figure out what went wrong, and map out our next plan of action. We can definitely learn from this cycle so that we know what to do differently next time. Maybe different meds, a longer/shorter stimulation period, etc. We were told that it could take 2-3 cycles on average, so we have to be mentally prepared for that. We'll see what he has to say.

We're proud of Deuce. He put up a good fight and we're gonna miss him. Atleast I have pictures of the first ever Andyjessica at a cellular level...most people just get peanuts:)

For now, I have ripped off my estrogen patches and graciously stopped the progesterone wahoohoo suppositories. We may even head to the Carolina/UGA game this weekend and partake in some adult beverages with friends because...well...because we can.

We want to thank everyone again for the wonderful support. You have been awesome and all we ask is that you continue to keep us in your prayers. One day we will get off of this "Scream Machine" and hopefully have a +positive+ story to tell.

Sticky Vibes

Isn't this picture a bit disturbing? Fitting, but disturbing!

I finally got my butt out of bed this morning and went back to work. I don't think I've ever slept as much as I did over the past 4 days! The bedrest was much needed, and it definitely helped me to recoup from the stress we experienced around this time last week. I continue to be on activity restriction, so I volunteered to be the phone nurse at work for the week. It's an annoying job, but the only thing strenuous about it is pulling a few hairs out of my head every 10 minutes, so it'll do.

I had to start taking progesterone suppositories 3x/day (Yes, while I'm at work...and I'll spare you the classy details) and 2 estrogen patches to my abdomen every other day. This is because my body isn't producing them like it would after normal ovulation. These two hormones support the lining of the uterus, as well as an actual pregnancy, so I have to have them. If an actual pregnancy occurs, I have to continue them them up until about 10 weeks of pregnancy. This is when the placenta would be functioning enough to produce enough of the hormones on its own.

I'm feeling pretty good but it's a little difficult to keep the anxiety away. I think about it atleast once every 5 minutes and wish I didn't have to wait another week to see if it worked! The progesterone makes my body feel as if it's pregnant anyway...extreme hunger, hot flashes, abdominal tenderness, sore udders, the usual. I have been eating like a wild boar and I can't stop! It's so early, and there's no way of distinguishing the side effects of meds between pregnancy symptoms.

I'm going to let myself enjoy the rest of this week because this is the closest I have ever been to being pregnant. I will cherish every little pinch I feel to my abdomen and pray that Deuce is making himself at home. The IVF community also terms this phase as "pregnant until proven otherwise" haha! God has a plan, and we will try be patient and get our answer soon.

Our family and friends have been awesome and we want to thank y'all again! From the meals, visits, texts, calls, blog comments, prayer lists, care packages, etc...it is so overwhelming. We are thankful for each and every one of you! Hopefully, we will have a happy ending to our story soon!

We hope everyone has a fun and safe Labor Day/football weekend! I will be taking another weekend filled with R&R, but the ESPN will be in full force. GOOOOO COCKS!

This Is Your Ovary...And This Is Your Ovary On Drugs.

***Note: These are not my ultrasound pics...however, this is very similar to what I see each time I get an ultrasound. Each black area is a follicle on the ovary. The bottom half of the pic is a stimulated ovary***

We are almost there!!! Yay! I have about 5 mature follicles along with quite a few smaller ones. My labs look really good and they told me that I was almost ready for retrieval. I was told to take another stimulation shot tonight, then my other injections in the morning before going back to the doctor for more labwork and another ultrasound. My nurse believes that I will have to "trigger" tomorrow night and have the retrieval on Sunday morning in Charleston. My appointment tomorrow will give us the final answer. Let's hope I don't have to wait almost TWO hours to be called back like I did today! I guess they don't care that you have to take off work every other day to do this.

The trigger injection is one of the most critical parts of the cycle. It induces the final maturation of the eggs, loosens the egg's attachment from the follicle wall, and allows for timing of the egg retrieval. It basically prepares my body for ovulation...however, my doctor will manually ovulate me before my body does the deed itself. I will have the retrieval exactly 36 hours after I give myself the trigger.

The trigger is called HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) and is the same hormone that is present in pregnancy. This hormone is what makes a pee stick turn positive when you are preggo. Therefore, if I try to pee on a stick (too much info, I know) in the next couple of weeks, it will say that I'm pregnant. The only way to confirm that the IVF works is through a blood test 14 days after the retrieval.

I know this because I had to take this injection with all 6 of my IUI's and made the mistake of testing too early. It is pretty cool to see a positive on a pregnancy test though. Sometimes I would just do it for the fun of it, haha!

And P.S...My ovaries don't feel like peaches, they feel like WATERMELONS!

Migraines and Gonads

This morning, I went to the doctor to have my bloodwork drawn. I must say that it's a lot easier to drive through downtown on a Sunday morning. My appointment was originally scheduled to be yesterday, but my Augusta doctor was only scheduled to be open this morning. Instead of making me drive to Charleston, they let me delay my labwork by a day. My nurse called me back this afternoon to tell me that my estrogen level looks good! I will take the same dose of medications tonight and in the morning, but I will have to decrease the night med (Follistim) beginning tomorrow night. Don't ask me why...I just do what they tell me to do, haha! My guess is because they don't want my estrogen to go above a certain level, so they have to titrate the dose to keep it where they want it to be. My next appointment will be Tuesday morning and will include labwork as well as an ultrasound.

I was feeling pretty good up until about Friday...I woke up nauseated with a massive migraine and I'm pretty sure it was either from stimulation meds or caffeine withdrawal. I couldn't even function at work for most of the day, but was able to get through it. I'm not supposed to take any ibuprofen or aspirin products because it may affect the lining of my uterus, but I had to do it. Excedrin Migraine is my new best friend.

I'm also feeling a bit of pressure and bloating in the gonad region...I just think that gonad is a funny word. Anyway, I know it's because I probably have, like, 18 eggs growing on my ovaries at this very point in time...but I can't seem to get it out of my mind that the cyst is growing back. I will know once I have the ultrasound Tuesday morning. I'm not sure what they will do if I have a cyst...I know they can do surgery to aspirate them, or....cancel the cycle. Dear God, please let it be 18 eggs. I think that I'm just stressing, which is human nature considering all that we have been through to get to this point. Just like I said before, I have to put it in God's hands.

In other news, I was able to attend my little sister's first baby shower on Saturday. It was hosted by our second mom and sistas from another mister...the Thomas girls. Thanks for a great time...y'all are the best!

The Little Cyst That Could...

I went in for another ultrasound/labwork this morning. As it turns out, the "Little" cyst is still hanging around. My nurse called me this afternoon to inform me that my estrogen was still elevated and that the Lupron had not suppressed it. From what I understand, I probably ovulated through the birth control pills. Because of this, the ovulation left a cyst on my ovary which is producing estrogen. This probably explains why I have yet to start my period...the estrogen level has to drop in order for it to occur. Also, if I were to begin the stimulation meds without my estrogen being low, then that would put me at risk for OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). You can read about it here:
http://www.ivf-infertility.com/ivf/standard/complications/ovarian_stimulation/ohss.php


Hey, atleast we're dealing with elevated estrogen instead of elevated testosterone! I don't need anything else to shave:)

Instead of beginning my new medications tomorrow, I will continue the Lupron injections to try to suppress my system. I have to go back Tuesday morning for another ultrasound and more labwork to see if we've made any progress. If so, I will begin my stimulation meds next week. If not, I will probably continue Lupron until the cyst is gone and my hormones are null and void.

So far, I am feeling good. We are a little disappointed that this cycle is being delayed, but there is a reason for everything! I was so scared that they were going to cancel it, which means a lot of moolah and emotional investment would have been flushed down the toilet. We have been through a lot thus far, so it is easier to mentally prepare for setbacks. We have learned that this entire journey is about playing the waiting game. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and patience is extremely hard but definitely a virtue when it comes down to it. As you may have guessed, our original dates for egg retrieval and transfer will be changed. Hopefully, we will have a better idea next week!

We would also like to give a shout out to Andy's sister, who will be having a little girl any day now!!! This is her first baby, as well as the first niece in the family. We love her and wish her the best of luck with delivery!

I think I can...I think I can....choo choo!

Back To Reality...

Annnnd...we're back from the beach! It was sooo good to get away, but I feel like I need to sleep a week to recover! I was able to "let loose" for the last time to get everything out of my system. Our vacation was filled with lots of bike rides, beach time, beer, sunsets, beer, excruciating sunburn, beer, good food, beer, and the obligatory Hucko drama. Speaking of excruciating sunburn...my mother, father, brother, Andy, and myself were confined to the beach canopy, a.k.a. "Burn Unit", for the last half of the week because of our irresponsiblity with sunblock. Must have been the beer. We arrived each day donned with SPF 50 and packed ourselves in like sardines underneath the canopy. I must say it was pretty humorous. Note to self: reapply sunscreen after 2 hours.

I stopped my birth control on 7/23 and began my Lupron injections on Sunday 7/26. My belly is a little bruised and sore, but not too bad. As suspected, I have had the hot flashes, irritability, and a little nausea. One thing that I have noticed is I am extremely anxious and having trouble sleeping. I'm not sure if it is the medicine or if I'm just nervous about the rest of the month in general. Today, I called my mail order pharmacy to request that the next round of medications be shipped. The pharmacist says, "Oh wow, your doctor called in quite a few medications this time." She then proceeded to spout out a list of about 7 medications that I couldn't even pronounce if I tried! They'll be calling me back tomorrow with the final price and to collect payment before they ship them out. Do you think my insurance company will not recognize them as infertility medications and cover them by accident?!? Fat chance, but it would be pretty entertaining to rip them off for once:)

I go back to the doctor on Friday for more labwork and another ultrasound. They also told me that I would have another menstrual cycle this week as well, so I'm waiting on that to happen. I'm praying that the cyst has disappeared, but we will know for sure on Friday! They are also supposed to counsel me on how to give myself those other medications. If all goes well, I should start those on Saturday.

After much persuasion, we were able to get a few family pics on the beach! These are our first family pics in over 10 years as well! I've posted all of them on facebook, but here are a few of my faves. Enjoy:)

With momma...

The Aunts and Grammy lovin' on my sister's baby bump


With our sweet daddy:)

Annnndddd....The Burn Unit:)

We are Andy and Jessica...

So...I signed up for this blog over 2 months ago, and I'm still staring at a blank page! Sure have had fun decorating it though:) I've been told by many people over the past several years that I need to keep a journal about recent issues that we've dealt with, a form of therapy if you will. Under careful consideration, I have come to the realization that it is probably a good idea. So here we go...


My name is Jessica, and I'm an alcoholic. No, I'm just kidding:) Let's try this again...


My name is Jessica, and I'm married to a wonderful man named Andy. We have been together for 11 years and married for 8 years now! Wow! Crazy how time flies. We married with the same goals as most people have:


1. Have fun on the honeymoon.

2. Have fun after the honeymoon.

3. Get the education and careers in line.

4. Get comfortable in the careers.

5. Save money.

6. Buy a car or two.

7. Buy a house.

8. Have fun in the house.

9. Save more money.

10. Have fun with the money and start saving again.

11. Attend as many Gamecock and Auburn football games as possible.
12. Make a baby or two. Or three.
13. Raise the baby(ies).
14. Save for retirement.
15. Spend the retirement investments and start saving again.
16. Get the baby(ies) educated and married off.

17. Retire with whatever money we have left.

18. Play with grandchildren.

19. Get put in the nursing home, courtesy of the baby(ies).

20. Let the baby(ies) finish off the retirement savings.


I would say we've done pretty good with goals one through eleven. We're stuck on twelve, and have been for a little over 4 years now. I guess it goes to show that no matter how much you plan your life out, God has his own plans in mind.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not writing this blog to make people feel sorry for us. I'm not trying to throw a pity party. The way I look at it, everyone has their own journey and challenges in life, and everyone's challenges are equally important. Life is all about each of us sharing our unique experiences...and about supporting each other through the struggles that we all face. I'm not sure if anyone other than myself is going to keep up with this blog, but I wanted a way to better verbalize my feelings and frustrations throughout this journey. Who knows, maybe I can be an inspiration and help someone else who is going through the same thing!

This blog is probably going to be very difficult, as I tend to bottle EVERYTHING up inside. Many friends and family members have asked me questions throughout our treatments, and I have a hard time answering them without getting extremely frustrated and emotional. It's hard for a "fertile" person to understand how it impacts our life. The same goes with anyone trying to comprehend something they've never been through. Think about it...you may try to sympathize with someone diagnosed with a certain disease, but what if it was you who was diagnosed? How scared would you be? How would it change your life? How would it impact your quality of life and finances? Wouldn't you want to confide in your family and friends and have them support you along the way? I feel that this is a good way for me to keep our family and friends updated on our progress, and hopefully help them to understand what runs through my mind on what seems like a constant basis now.


I am not sure if Andy will actually add posts on here, but he has given me permission to transcribe his daily thoughts. He says, "What's up." Maybe I can get him to open up a little more later:)


So, cheers. Here's to a happy and healthy journey of achieving goal #12 with the help of fertility treatments. Feel free to ask me any questions and leave comments...I will be injecting myself with many hormones, but I can't bite your head off through the internet:)

We are Andy and Jessica...and we want to make test tube babies.