Seeking Closure and a Little Pity Party

Our Augusta doctor sent us on our way Monday morning after explaining to us that he recommends a "natural" miscarriage over the next 2 weeks. He said that it would be a painful, heavy period that would start in about a week. I would then come back to make sure that my hormones were back to baseline and verify that everything had been evacuated. I haven't started to visibly miscarry, the baby just stopped growing. The sac only measured 9mm when it should have been ~23 mm. It had decreased in size since last week. Still no heartbeat at almost 7.5 weeks. There was actually a yolk sac and fetal pole that grew after implantation, so it wasn't just a chemical pregnancy. I got a second opinion from my Charleston doctor who confirmed that this pregnancy was no longer viable.

After talking to my doctor in Charleston, there is absolutely no way I can do this. We have waited for this pregnancy for almost 5 years. I do not want to torture myself over the next 2 weeks and watch it slowly and painfully come out of me. Personally, it would kill me to have to go through that. Don't get me wrong...I hold no judgement against those who choose to go this route. I just don't think I can do it.

My other option is a D & C. I feel horrible about this...it makes me feel like I'm going in to have an abortion. After seeking reassurance from Charleston and weighing the pros and cons, we have decided to go with this option. After a few phone calls, my Augusta doctor has agreed to squeeze me in tomorrow afternoon. I have already taken the week off work, so this will give me time to recover. Besides, I don't think I could have gone back to work anytime soon regardless.

It will be done, it will be over. We won't have to prolong the grieving process. We can move on.

I will admit that this has been pretty tough. I was okay until the Augusta doctor called to tell me that we owe $900 (that we don't have) for the procedure. I just broke down and started hyperventilating. After all of this...more damn money. None of IVF went towards my deductable. Screw my cheap and crappy health insurance. Better yet, screw my doctor. The damn billionaire could at least cut us a break after all of the money we've given him. You know what really chaps my ass? The fact that that women who use abortion as a form of birth control can drop by a clinic and have it done for $300. God help me to understand the injustice of it all.

Andy and I have been discussing things, and we made the decision that after tomorrow, we are done. Emotionally we are done. Physically we are done. Financially we should have been done a long time ago. We can't go through this anymore. I will explain more at a later time, but right now I have a crappy attitude and just don't feel like discussing it. Not only do we get to grieve this child, but we have to grieve the fact that we will never have biological children. We can't continue on and just get pregnant again like normal people.

I really want to be a nice person and look forward to things in my life. I want to truly be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies. I want things to go back to the way they were before infertility ruined my life. It has cast a dark shadow over how I look at things now. I have become bitter and cynical. I was actually happy for the past 7 weeks. I was anxious, but I had a sense of relief that this horrible nightmare was over. I was one of "them". I was accepted. I fit in for once. I was pregnant. Now it's gone...I just wish I could have been given the one thing I've always wanted. A family.

I want to go far, far away. To a place where there are no pregnant women, no children. I don't want to listen to pregnant women complain about nausea, dizziness, fatigue...anymore. I don't want to hear another mom tell me that I can borrow her kids. Little does she know that I would kidnap them from her if she gave me the chance. I don't want to listen to people talk about their children 24/7 when I have nothing in common with them. The only story I have to share is what movie Andy and I watched the night before, or what we ate for dinner. We don't get to dress any children up for Halloween. We don't get to send out cute little picture Christmas cards and look forward to Christmas morning when they come running into the living room to see what Santa brought. We can't look forward to old age because we don't know if we'll have children or grandchildren to share it with. It is a feeling of loss that you could never imagine unless you've experienced it. It really does feel like someone close to us has died every month for the past 5 years. I would give one arm and both legs to experience the rest of this pregnancy and use the other arm to hold our child in 7 months. Hell, I would give my eyesight and hearing just so I could smell and touch my baby. I don't want to hear that we have plenty of other options. Easier said than done, considering it costs tens of thousands of dollars that we just don't have.

I just don't get it. We are good people. We are Christians. We have given so much to others without expecting anything in return. We have worked our butts off for an education and put so much into our careers. We've survived almost 9 years of marriage through all of this. You would think that the good karma would start coming back to us. I just wish I could understand God's plan in all of this. If no children are part of the plan, then what do we have to be responsible for? We might as well just sell the house & cars, jump on a plane and go live on a beach in the islands somewhere. We would be really cool bartenders. I think they would like us.

Annnnnd...looking on the bright side of things, we have our life. We have our health. We have the Gamecocks. We have wonderful family and friends that have bent over backwards to help us through this. We can jump in the car at any time and go wherever we want to go. We have alcohol...in moderation;)

Andy and my mom will be taking me to the surgical center tomorrow. My gonads will be violated for the last time. I'm done. Done. DONE. Please pray that everything goes smoothly and that I wait until after the procedure to punch my doctor for ripping us off one last time (this is obviously a joke...I will, however, have a very sharp tongue since it will be the last time I will have to come in contact with him).

Thank you for all of the wonderful comments on my last post and personal emails that were sent. We read every last one of them and they brought us comfort. I am still reading them over and over again. I'm sorry if I am coming across as doom and gloom...this is just how I feel right now. Maybe my feelings will change once I have a chance to grieve and get on with my life. You all are the best and we're so lucky to have your prayers and support. We couldn't have gone through this alone. Thank you again. I will be in touch once the drugs wear off or after I have been bailed out of jail.