8w1d Ultrasound

We went to Charleston this morning to check on Boom Boom, Pow, and their evil stepsister Hematomawhore. The babies are still alive! High five!

Hematomawhore is still there, but since the sacs are bigger it is smushed to the side and more oblong. My doctor said it is a good thing that I haven't had anymore bleeding and that it will probably eventually resolve itself. He mentioned that only a small percentage of women miscarry from it. Since mine was diagnosed early and was small to begin with, he feels that if something was going to happen it would have by now. Side note: we all know that if it only happens 1% of the time, Andy and I have always fallen on that side of the odds, so we're still going to be a bit cautious, ha! Of course he said that I don't need to overdo it, and it would be best if I continue to take it easy. He made me feel better after he said that walking around a little bit wouldn't hurt the situation, and laying in bed for the entire pregnancy wouldn't help either. There is absolutely nothing we can do to fix it...we just have to trust that it will heal itself! His advice was, "If you start to spot again, go home and rest for the day. That's all you can do."

Okey doke.

On to more exciting news...the babies have doubled in size! We couldn't believe how much they've grown in just one week. They both measured 8w5d, so well ahead of schedule. We didn't get to listen to their hearts this time, but it was more than obvious watching them flicker on the screen. Such a miracle! So far, I have had no bleeding today from this ultrasound!

We go back to our satellite doctor in Augusta next Tuesday or Thursday...I'm waiting on them to call me with the appointment. That will be our final checkup at 9 weeks. If all goes well, I get to stop all of these dang medicines and will be released to the world where normal pregnancies reside. I called my OB to schedule my first appointment with him which will be August 25. I should be 10 weeks. I don't know how I'm going to handle a world where they are oblivious to infertility and IVF! I had to explain to the girl two times that I did IVF and the reason I have waited so long to call them was because I'm still under the care of my RE! Her question, "Did you have a positive pregnancy test?" Oh. My. God. Girl, if you only knew. Once upon a time in the year 2005...

My RE did tell us that we may be referred to a high-risk OB, but that our OB will make that decision after our first visit with him. The last words he said to us were, "Make sure you bring those babies back to me so that I can see them." All smiles:)

One more exciting piece of news...my Augusta RE called this afternoon and said that they are training staff to do 3-D ultrasounds and want to know if I would like to be a guinea pig! Um, hell yes! It will be in September when I am 12 weeks. They'll probably look like little aliens, but how awesome is that? So excited! I wonder if you can see gender that early. Anybody know?

Here are today's pics!

Boom Boom in the big sac, Pow is deeper and bottom right, and Hematomawhore is top right. My doctor drew a little picture of how Boom Boom is positioned, lol. They have legs and arms now!

Pow is still hiding and harder to see. Hematomawhore/placental separation is above him.

Tried to get a picture of both of them at the same time...Pow is being difficult! His sac looks smaller because it is a bad angle.

I can't believe this may really happen!

Bedrest Is...Awesome.

Aside from my lower back killing me from starting at the ceiling for five days straight, I would have to say that things are going pretty well. I thought that the bleeding had stopped yesterday, but then noticed some light brown when I went to the bathroom a little bit ago. Still, it's a lot better than it was. No bright red since last Wednesday. I'm going to attempt to go back to work tomorrow (after I call my nurse) and see how things go. If it comes back, I'm headed back to the bed until it resolves again. I will be eternally pissed off if, after all we have been through, lose these babies from placental separation. Damn SCH. Just my luck! Grrrr.

Andy has been home all weekend and has fixed the four of us some delectable treats! I have been having serious hunger pangs about once an hour. My stomach feels like it is eating itself! These babies are bottomless pits! Andy keeps a pretty good check on my diet, but I like to sneak in some junk every once in awhile. Like that entire bag of cool ranch Doritos yesterday. Then the bag of popcorn and popsicles today. He did give in and let me have pancakes last night. One of these days I'll sneak away to the Mexican Restaurant.

Here are some Andy meals from my week in bed:

Yogurt & granola with strawberries/blueberries, english muffins with melted colby jack

 Veggie/Fruit/Cheese Plate...I spit the cauliflower back out

Annnddd....Poor Griswold. On me like white on rice.

Welp, that's about all for now. Gonna eat some dinner and pass back out. Again, thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. This too shall pass!

SCH Update

So far so good, I hope! I haven't really moved since Wednesday. I need to shower and shave, like bad. Oh well, I'll do whatever I have to do for the babies!

I have continued to spot, but it is no longer bright red. It is dark brown/sludgy and varies in amount. There seems to be a little bit more in the mornings, I guess because of the nasty Prometrium suppositories making their way out. During the course of the day, the flow decreases. I am excited to see anything but bright, oxygenated, thriving red blood. I am still feeling little twinges and cramps, but it kind of scares me now! Evil SCH. Get away from my babies and go far, far away!

I have been talking back and forth with my nurse and giving her daily updates. She is optimistic and told us to come to Charleston for another ultrasound next Thursday to make sure everything is okay in there! This is a relief because we won't have to wait and wonder another two weeks. We will also be able to see if the SCH has decreased in size.

Thank you all so much for you positive and reassuring stories about SCH...I have been reading through the blogs you have referred me to and it makes me feel so much better knowing that everything will probably be okay!

I am laying down for the majority of the day, and staying extra hydrated. Andy has been treating me to breakfast in bed every morning, and my parents have been bringing me lunch. I am to call my nurse on Monday with an update, and will hopefully be allowed to go back to work next week if the spotting goes away. Until then, I will stay glued to the bed/couch and catching up on my DVR. Please keep the prayers coming!

Boom Boom and Pow are Alive!

I'm glued to my couch while typing this because I'm officially on bed rest at 7 weeks. Lol. It's not really funny, but you didn't think I could get through a pregnancy drama free, right? Story of my life. Anyway, I went to my mom's house to surprise her with the ultrasound pics this morning. I went to use the bathroom and noticed bright red blood when I wiped. Of course, my heart stopped for what felt like 10 minutes. I immediately called my nurse and she told me it was probably nothing to worry about and to go home and rest. Well, I did just that and it got worse and worse. To the point of dripping in the toilet (TMI) like a full blown period.

I wasn't having any cramping, so I tried not to overreact and just laid back down to rest. It has gradually slowed throughout the afternoon, so that makes me feel a little better. My nurse and doctor called this afternoon after they received the actual ultrasound pics from Augusta. They said that I have a subchorionic hematoma in my uterus underneath the corner of the placentas that is probably the cause of the bleeding. It was described to me as a "cut" in my uterus from the placentas attaching that will hopefully eventually heal. There is nothing I did to cause this, nor is there anything I can do but rest. I don't need to aggravate it further since it can cause placental problems. Geez.

Has anyone else had this issue? Bright red bleeding and all? Need a little reassurance here! No scary stories please. I am to call my nurse first thing in the morning to give her an update. I can't go back to work until it stops and they make sure that all is well in there.

So, I'm going to stay positive here and share the videos/pics from this morning. This is all in God's hands and out of our control. Boom Boom and Pow are little rockstars! I was laughing and beast crying at the same time in the videos, so please forgive the shaking. Poor Andy was crying too. It was the most awesome experience ever! I couldn't even look at first...as soon as she stuck the dildo cam in I heard her say, "There's a heartbeat!" I opened my eyes and looked at the screen and saw the little heart fluttering away! She then moved to another position and sure enough there was another baby with a heartbeat! So flippin' cool!
 

Here's the first video with the two sacs. If you look below the sacs, you will see a smaller dark spot. That is the hematoma. It is pretty far away from the actual babies, so that is a good thing I hope.

Here is the second video with the heartbeats...best sound EVER:

Baby B (Boom Boom) is on the front R side and measuring 7w1d with a heart rate of 151!

Baby A (Pow) was a little harder to get to. It's deeper in my uterus on the L side measuring 6w6d with a heart rate of 144!

Sorry for the crappy quality of the pics. I would scan them in, but I can't get off the couch and go in my computer room! Bummer.

Overall, this was the most exciting day of our lives, drama and all. It's gonna be all right. It has to. Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers! Please remember if you know me in real life that we're still keeping this "hush hush" until we make it through the first trimester. Thanks so much!

TWINS!!!!!!!!

Still freaking out right now! On my way to work, so I will post the pics and video tonight when I get off! We are ecstatic! Baby A's heart rate was 144, and B's was 151! Both babies look great and are measuring on time. Eeeeeek! Thank you for all of the prayers...God is so good!!!!


**Update** Will not be headed to work after all. I started spotting right after I put this post up, freaked out, and called my nurse. She is not concerned and said that it's very normal to spot with twins and especially after an ultrasound. She thinks it may be vaginal, cervical, or from a small bruise I had inside of my uterus. I hope she's right! She told me to stay off my feet for the rest of the day and call if the bleeding became heavy. I am to call her tomorrow morning with an update. I've heard about women spotting, but it's a a bit unnerving when it happens to you! I just saw 2 amazing heartbeats, so I'm sure that everything is fine:) I better go pull out a couple of rolls of TP because I'm sure that checking for blood will be my obsession today.

Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock....

Tomorrow is the day we have anticipated for over 6 years. I think that I let the worrying get the best of me this week, but then reminded myself that this is completely out of our hands. Whatever will be will be.

Thank you all so much for your sweet comments, prayers, and well wishes. I think that I would be curled up in a ball pulling my hair out if we didn't have the support of our family, friends, and this blog! Also, hello to my new followers. Thanks so much for taking time out of your day to read about our crazy life, ha!

8 a.m.

Eeek! God, please bless us with a heartbeat this time!

I'm going to go pass out now. Maybe that will make tomorrow get here faster!

6 Weeks

I won't complain about my symptoms because I've waiting way too long for this. Let me just say that I believe everything going on is normal in early pregnancy. One thing that has always grated my nerves is an infertile complaining about their pregnancy. Come on! Going to savor every moment! I didn't bitch for 6+ years to keep on bitching. All I have to do is survive one more week until that dreaded first ultrasound. Eeek!

There HAS to be a heartbeat somewhere down there...has to. I'm kind of grateful that they are waiting until 7 weeks to do the first ultrasound. That way we won't go in too early and hear those horrible words again..."I'm sorry, we can't find a heartbeat. Maybe it's too early. We will try again next week."

Our baby should be about 1/4 inch, or the size of a nail head right now. This is one of the most important weeks in development... the kidneys, liver, and lungs should be developing and the neural tube (which will eventually become the brain and spinal cord) will close this week. I'm popping the folic acid like crazy. Like about 1200 mcg/day crazy. Can't hurt, especially if there are twins in there! Baby's heart should be beating about 80 bpm and getting faster each day.

Amazing. I just hope that this isn't a cruel joke and there really is a miracle going on down there.

We are headed to the beach to get some R&R and let this "maybe baby" bake! This will probably be our last vacation since we will probably not be allowed to travel much over the next 8 months. Plus we have to start preparing and get some money saved up since we paid for everyone at my RE's office to go on vacation this summer. Peace out!

18dp5dt...Beta #3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um. 12,555. k. They were hoping at least 5,000. Lol hard.

So, I'm about to pee in my pants right now. Is my body really capable of this? I never got above 4,000 with our last pregnancy. Am I dreaming? God is so good!!! Our due date is March 22!!!

Here is my chart...I am 23 dpo today. They want at least a 60% increase every 2 days. Our little rockstar(s) increased 160% every 2 days. Grow Boom Boom & Pow. GROW!

 They are making me wait until 8/3 for my first ultrasound. I will be 7w0d. My doctor also classified me as "high risk" from previous loss and the possibility that we may have twins this time around. He gave me disability paperwork to put me on light duty through the first trimester so that I won't be overstressed and jeopardize this pregnancy. No standing on my feet for >50% of the day, bending, lifting, pushing, pulling, and must get a frickin' lunch break every day. Because they decided to short us on nurses, I have been one of three nurses doing treatments and have barely had time to sit down this week...so I guess they better come up with a way to get us more help. This belly is the sum of 6+ years of torture along with mine and my parent's life savings, so it is my priority right now! Nuff said!

We're so excited that we don't know what to do with ourselves! Please keep the prayers coming!

5 Weeks? I Hope!!!

As of today, I should technically be 5 weeks along. I still don't feel like this is real and I think that I have put up a wall to protect myself should we get bad news again! I know that everyone says not to worry...but seriously. The fear is there and it is real. It is never going to go away. Unless you have been through this before you have no idea the torture it puts you through! We have been going through this hell for over 6 years, and have spent every single day since January investing our time, money, and emotions into this very cycle. I do have faith, but deep in the back of my mind I don't want to let my guard down for fear of getting hurt again.

I also want to say thank you to my blog friends who are still reading and haven't deleted me from their blog roll yet. Believe me, I know how annoying it is to log on and have pregnancy thrown all in your face. Regardless of the outcome, the truth is I will always be infertile. A frickin' Veteran to infertility considering the time we've been fighting this battle. Pregnancy doesn't fix me, I just had a little an enormous amount of help getting here. I will be right back to where we started if we ever want to try for more kids (again...should this work out). My egg supply will still be null and void, and Andy's sperm will still be having seizures down the happy canal. I will never forget the raw emotions of this journey, nor will I forget my homies still struggling here in blogland! I pray that our story will give somebody hope. I pray everyday that we will ALL be blessed with what so many take for granted!

Andy has been feeding me well and is being very particular about my diet. I'm being spoiled with lots of fish (salmon, tilapia), fruits, veggies, and fresh smoothies. I even tried some wasabi edamame and thought that I was going to blow fire out of the other end. I better stick with the regular bean. If there's really a baby in there, then this is the most critical part of development and I have to make sure I'm eating well. I'm pounding about 2-3 liters of water a day, peeing like a rushing racehorse, and making sure that I keep up with my vitamins & folic acid. I've been passing out around 9 pm-ish every night and sleeping like a rock all through the night, with the exception of a pee break around 5 am every morning. It's like clockwork! I think that I had a little nausea this morning? Maybe it's all in my head, I don't know. I sure was proud of it though! I will gladly throw my guts up in a toilet, trashcan, on the floor...whatever, for 9 months if it means a baby in the end! Hopefully I won't eat my words, ha!

Anyway, two more days until our 3rd beta. I'm not sure what number they are looking for, but if I've calculated correctly, it should be well over 5,000 if things are progressing normally. I will find out on Friday when our first ultrasound will be...probably the following Friday when I am 6w2d. Until then, I hope that Boom Boom and/or Pow are alive and thriving! Sometimes I feel a random pinch on each side of my uterus, so I'd like to think that they are both snuggling in. All we can do is wait, Wait, WAIT!

11dp5dt...Beta #2

Soooooooo....

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443!!!

They wanted at least a 60% increase from Beta #1 (224), and it pretty much doubled in 48 hours! Yay!! They also said my progesterone level is perfect and resulted >40.

HCG is a hormone produced by the placenta shortly after implantation. In most normal pregnancies the HCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours and it normally increases by at least 60% every two days. When it gets to about 1200 it continues to climb a little slower. After about 2-3 months it will start to decline and eventually plateau.

Here's my Babymed.com HCG chart for the average Singleton values:

This basically shows that my levels are well above the max average for a singleton...but I think it could still go either way. I've heard from several ladies who had similar numbers and only had one in there...so, we'll see! So frickin' excited AND nervous about what happened last time. However, we are feeling much better about this pregnancy!

I go back next Friday for my 3rd Beta, and then my ultrasound will probably be in 2 weeks. So far away. I'm living my life through 2 week waits. Hopefully it will be worth it in the long run!

Thank you all SO MUCH again for all of your sweet comments...I love reading them and they all bring a smile to my face! I've been sucking at commenting lately, but I promise I'm trying to keep up with everybody's blogs!

I'm feeling fine...and loving all of the mini symptoms I've experienced thus far. I'm getting a little more fatigued during the day, my sense of smell is that of a bloodhound, looks like I've had a boob job, intermittent cramping, and some lower back pain. All of these symptoms come and go. I actually feel...normal. Sometimes I forget that my body is going haywire inside right now! Hopefully these are signs of a viable pregnancy.

I've had a pretty crazy week at work...now they've decided to make "changes" and switch our teams around. We're basically losing a team member and will have to work twice as hard to get the job done. Of course this ALWAYS happens when I'm in the middle of a cycle and already stressed out. They love to stress us out. All I know is that if they make me have another miscarriage from unnecessary stress, they'll be paying my IVF bill! Hormonal Jessica has just about HAD IT! That is all.

Thank you all again, and please pray for another strong Beta next Friday!

Min: 324

9dp5dt...It's Beta Time

The last time we were pregnant from an IVF cycle, our first beta came back at 76. That number never really increased, and we ended up having a miscarriage at 7 weeks.

Today, my first Beta came back at... wait for it....wait for it....

 224!!!! Eeeek!!!!

My nurse said they want it to be at least 50, and they are thrilled if it's over 100. Progesterone was 25 today, which they are okay with. I have to go back Friday to make sure it increases at least 60%.

Omg...224. I'm in shock. This does not feel real. Twins?? Omg!!!!!

Oh shit.

8dp5dt

Working as an oncology nurse, I get to see very bad things happen to very good people. I was just reminded again today how short life is, and to never take family or friends for granted. Today was one of the hardest days I have EVER had to endure as a nurse. Ever.

I carried it home with me today. People have always asked me, "How do you work with cancer patients? That must be so depressing." My answer to that is that my days are usually not filled with grief and sadness. Most patients are very upbeat and positive. They are ready to put up a fight, and they don't let their guards down. The moment they find out they have cancer, their life flips upside-down and their priorities immediately change. They start having more fun, going on vacations, spending more time with family, and not letting the "little things" get them down.

I think that because of what I'm exposed to everyday, I have changed my priorities in life. Whenever I feel like I'm making a big deal out of something, I try to take a step back and ask myself, "Does it really matter? It could be worse, Jessica."

Whenever my mother is getting on my nerves, I have to remind myself that I watch children sit next to their dying mothers every. single. day. They watch that chemo drip, drip, drip and pray that it is going to save their mom's life so that they can go back to their normal lives. I am one of the lucky ones.

Yes, I make a big deal out of not being able to have children. About being infertile. I worry that I'll never be a mom to someone. But, at least Andy and I are healthy...and our family is healthy. It could be worse.

So, tonight as I stare at my bout of psychosis on the bathroom counter, I will remember how precious life can be...and how blessed we are at this point in time. I will pray for those who are heavy on my heart and have lost their battle to cancer....what a horrible disease.

 Andy bought me a pack of digitals. You can blame him for contributing to my problem.

7dp5dt

Let the psychosis begin.

If you followed me the last time we had a BFP, my POAS obsession was out. of. control. It became somewhat of an addiction to watch that line get darker and darker. I think that it was some sort of coping mechanism for me? I remember doing it when I woke up, sometimes in the middle of the day, and then again before bedtime. I looked at them and compared them every time I went to the bathroom. I would come up with excuses to go to the bathroom so that I could look at them. Andy would roll his eyes and call me a freak. Here is the picture to prove it.

Did I really just admit that? There is just something about waiting so long to see those two lines. Don't take it for granted!

Welp...here we go again. When we attended the RESOLVE conference in Atlanta last year, we racked up on some HPT's. I swear that almost every booth was giving them away. I never understood why they would be giving away pregnancy tests at an infertility conference. But, whatever. Those things are expensive!

So, here's my loot (some are fertility tests that are even more useless for me....considering I have no eggs)

I'm sure that once these run out, I will be buying out Dollar Tree's stock. Those are the best tests ever. And cheap!

Here is my line comparison, including today's. Always reassuring to see it get darker.

Today was my first day back at work and it went okay. I'm trying not to overdo it, but I kind of have to act "normal" so that people won't wonder what is going on. I am a nurse and on my feet all day long, so this could definitely pose a challenge! 

I will never complain, but would just like to document the pregnancy symptoms I've been experiencing. The only things that I have noticed up until today have been the period-like cramping, boobs, constant lower back pain, frequent urination, boobs, diarrhea, headache, boobs, bloating, boobs, feeling hot, and massive...sore...boobs. I love it. That is all.

We still can't believe this is happening again. We want to thank all of you again for the overwhelming love and support through emails and comments. We love you all! We are not out of the woods yet...anxiously awaiting those beta numbers. Please hurry up Wednesday!

Until then, I have some sticks to pee on.

6dp5dt

God answers prayers one of three ways: 

      1. He says yes and gives you what you want. 

      2. He says no and gives you something better. 

      3. He says wait and gives you the best.

I think that after 6+ years, He gave us number 3:)

Please please please if you know us in real life, keep this to yourself. We are scared about what happened last time (no heartbeat), so until we are comfortable in knowing that this is real and viable, we do not plan on making an announcement anytime soon. Please do not facebook us or ask us about it in public. We are still very early right now. Thank you so much for understanding:)

I had another vivid dream Friday night that I was peeing on sticks and they were all positive. When I woke up, I was so anxious about it that I just went ahead and did it. I didn't want to say anything yesterday because I wanted to make sure today before I mentioned it on my blog! 

Last night, I dreamt that we were getting an ultrasound and it was twins...until my doctor said that one of them didn't have a brain and the other looked like a baby chick. God help me.

A couple of people have mentioned concern about having the trigger shot in my system and to be careful about false positives. I forgot to mention that I did not have to take the trigger shot this time because we had to use donor eggs. So, our donor had to do all of the dirty work. 

We are excited, but very nervous...which is understandable. "Cautiously optimistic" as we usually say in Infertility Land. I don't think we will breathe until we see a heartbeat and make it out of the first trimester. Actually, I don't think there will ever be a time where we stop worrying. All we know is that this is 100% out of our hands and God has control of the reins.

Our first Beta isn't until Wednesday, so that is yet another hurdle we will have to overcome. If we see the numbers high and doubling, then that will give us a better idea of if this is a viable pregnancy. Our first ultrasound to see a heartbeat would be around 6 weeks, which would be towards the end of July. Eeeek.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your prayers and support...please keep them coming! I can't believe this is happening...we may FINALLY become parents! And my boobs may FINALLY be bigger than my sister's!

5dp5dt

First off, thanks for all of the compliments on the haircut! I love it...it's going to take a lot of getting used to because I am so used to having it long! I will definitely save in the shampoo/conditioner department.

All is well here. I've just been enjoying all of my family being in town and trying to take it easy. I continue to have an upset stomach almost every day. I know this is TMI, but, I eat...and it goes straight through me. Probably because I've been eating pounds of fruit and veggies everyday.

Last night, Andy and I went out for Italian and I left with a splitting headache and became extremely tired. We went straight home and I passed out very early. I had to get up once to pee around 3 am, and woke up in a pool of sweat this morning. And...my boobs are getting massive!

Hopefully these are good signs! I'm trying to hold out on POAS...I'm starting to get very anxious and I want to know...but I don't want to do it too early! Possibly tomorrow...I don't think I could do it right before I go back to work on Monday and have time to recompose myself depending on the outcome. Last time I tested positive 7dp3dt, so today would mark exactly that point with the 5dt.

Please pray! The two week wait is TORTURE!