A New Adventure...Part 2.

We got hitched...again!

Valentine's Day was a pretty special day for us this year. We were able to renew our vows during church yesterday! It was pretty emotional, to say the least. I started beast crying because all I could think of was everything we've been through and survived the last 12 years that we've been together. I mean, how did we do it?!?

We were just babies when we got married...well, I was a baby. He was robbing the cradle...ha! I had just turned 22 and he was 27. We met 3 years earlier and got engaged New Years Eve 2000. Yes, at midnight when everyone was afraid that all of the computers were going to crash and it would be the end of the world! Yeah right. Anyway, we were engaged for a year and a half before we married May 19, 2001.

We met while working at a pizza restaurant together when I was attending USC. Our original plans were to elope to Vegas when we FIRST met...like the FIRST WEEK we dated...thank God we had enough sense to wait. We were extremely wild and carefree in the early days and had a little too much fun together. As a matter of fact, we still do. I knew from the moment I met Andy that I was going to marry him. My family believed otherwise because I was so young, but I knew.

It was after we married that we decided to go back to school and actually finish this time. We both worked full time together at a grocery store while we were in school full time. I then took on an additional job at a nursing home while I was working on my RN. We never, ever saw each other and it really sucked. It was a very stressful time in our marriage. Our main goal was to finish school so that we could have degrees before we started trying to have kids...and that's exactly what we did. Andy graduated in December 2004 and I graduated in May 2005. You all know the rest of the story.

Back to the vow renewal...the entire church service focused on renewal and recommitment in our lives. Below is an excerpt from the sermon:

In marriage, like in all of our relationships, there is always a need for renewal. Marriage is not easy. We can focus on the bad and let that define the relationship.

Have you run out of the good stuff? Everything in our lives starts out with the best stuff we have to give. In our careers, we pour the very best we have in the beginning. This is also true of our relationships with Christ. In our marriages, somewhere along the way, we run out of the good stuff and don't have what it takes to go on. What do you do? You do what God tells you to do.

Our pastor spoke of his marriage and the tough times that he and his wife have made it through. He and his wife became pregnant very shortly after they married. Eighteen months into their marriage, she was six months pregnant with their second child. This was so stressful on their relationship that she packed up and moved to a different state to live with her parents for a few weeks. They just couldn't take it anymore. Their marriage ultimately survived, and they are now stronger than ever and happily married with four children.

So, as we were renewing our vows, all of these thoughts kept running through my head. I am amazed by the irony of it all and how all of us perceive the challenges that we are faced with in our lives. What one person may take for granted, another may yearn for...be it love, health, money, children, etc.

The stress in their marriage was caused by children...the stress in our marriage is caused by the lack thereof.

So what do we do? We do what God tells us to do. We haven't been the best at going to church throughout our entire relationship...we have always said that we'd make a habit of it once we had kids, but, well ya know. Then the whole not being able to have kids thing led to being somewhat angry at God and everything went downhill from there. In the past couple of months, something has led us to a wonderful church in our hometown for a reason. Maybe this is exactly what we need in our lives to help us to understand why things are the way they are. I'm not saying that God is punishing us for not going to church, but maybe infertility is His way of bringing us closer to Him.

We have had so many "signs" the last month in regards to what we need to do next on our journey. We still need to talk to our doctor in Charleston to discuss any options he has left for us, so I will keep you all updated on this. We want to weigh the pros and cons of EVERYTHING and go with what will give us the best possible chance of having our little family. We're trying to make an appointment to see him in March.

We have made it through almost 9 years of marriage, and the last 5 have brought us closer than ever. Sure, we've had more fights because of all the tension, but we have learned so much about each other. We almost ran out of the good stuff, but hopefully this new adventure will start putting the good stuff back into our life. If we've made it through all of this, then we're pretty much set for life.

Right after we started dating, November 1998

Wedding, May 2001

Wedding, May 2001

Honeymoon, May 2001

Photographer taking pictures after the vow renewal...I love this church, I don't have to dress up! I HATE dressing up. Happy Valentine's Day!

It's Award Time!

Awww! People really do like me! I was nominated for TWO awards. Yay! Thanks to Where's My Stork and Shanny at I did, I do, I will for these awesome awards. Go over and check these ladies out...they are wonderful friends who have supported us so much!

In order to accept this award I am supposed to say 7 unusual things about myself. Hmmm.

1. I used to have to "rock" myself to sleep. I have since overcome this, but it was a real issue in my younger years. I would lay on my right side and rock back and forth until I passed out...I couldn't go to sleep without this ritual. My mom tried to figure out for years why my 1988 poodle perm would never hold on the right side of my head, so she took me to have it permed EVERY 3 MONTHS. Crispy headed torture.

2. I used to pick my nose while I was rocking myself to sleep and had a booger collection on the backside of my mattress. My sister ratted me out to my parents and one of my friends and I was really embarrassed...about as embarrassed as I feel admitting this right now. I know, gross right? But you know you pick your nose too!

3. My original major was Broadcast Journalism. I wanted to be...don't laugh...an MTV VJ. I even proudly announced this to the Dean of Mass Communications in front of the entire freshman journalism class at USC. No shame. Move over Downtown Julie Brown.

4. I have really bad A.D.D. I try my best to concentrate, but I always get distracted (oooh shiny) and always forget to do things. I mean well...I really do. Even if you have to repeat what you just told me.

5. I absolutely love to cook, but I'm just not that good at it. I will never be my grandmother-in-law or Martha Stewart. My latest mishap occurred last week when I caught Andy's grilled cheese sandwich on fire. Before that, I caught a pot of boiled peanuts on fire because I forgot about them (A.D.D.) and all of the water evaporated.

6. I used to love writing poems and won a poetry competition a long time ago. My poem was published in some book. I don't even know which book (A.D.D.).

7. I tried to become a Youtube celebrity by making several cocktail induced dance videos. That didn't work out too well.

I have to pass this award on to 7 worthy bloggers! Stop by and check these girls out...they're awesome!

1. 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
   
2. Busted Plumbing
   
3. The Pitter-Patter
4. Dreams of a Baby
5. Passenger Wanted
6. It's Never Me
7. My Elusive Baby
   

If you were nominated, this is what you need to do:


In a new post, thank the person who nominated you and provide a link back to their blog.

Paste the picture of the award somewhere in your post

List seven interesting facts about you

Nominate seven wonderful human beings to receive the award, providing links to their blogs.

__________________________________________________________

The Rules:

1- Thank and link the person that sent it to you.

2- Present this award to at least 5 people and explain why you chose them for this award.

3- Copy and paste the award on your blog

The 5 bloggers I nominate for this award are:

1. The A.R.T. of Baby Making
2. An Infertile Blog
3. Her Womb, Our Hearts
   
4. Remember All the Way
5. Fertility Chick

Thanks again Ladies!

All Signs Point to NO!

And now, ladies, I present to you a bulleted list of why I am pissed off today.

• I thought that I threw my knee out a few weeks ago while kickboxing. While I was doing one of my fancy kung fu leaps, it popped and sent a numbing sensation throughout my left leg. It was sore for a few days, but it's all good now. No worries.

• I then developed a hard lump that appeared over the shinbone of my right leg last week. Since I am an oncology nurse, I had myself convinced within 5 minutes that it was an osteosarcoma or metastatic melanoma. After being reassured that it was not cancer by one of the doctors in our practice, I was able to have an xray done in our radiology department to rule out a stress fracture. Thankfully, it was normal and my bones look beautiful...it is really cool to see your own bones! As it turns out, I just have a really bad shin splint or a soft tissue injury that will eventually resolve on its own.

• Today, I turn in my time off request at work so that I can participate in the Charleston Bridge Run. I was so excited. I've been training for over a month now and have already paid the entry fee. It is on a Saturday, but we have already paid for a place on the beach for the Friday before. Hey, it's Charleston...you have to stay on the beach, right? Plus, we can get up there early, register, and settle in for our 4:30 am alarm clock. I'm sure you can all guess where this is going...I was told that I couldn't have that Friday off because of some stupid class that they had JUST decided to send 2 nurses to on that day, so we will be short. This is a class that we have all been asking to take for years to help refresh our memories. Obviously, it hasn't been important enough for them to send us to...until today. Now it's soooo important. Figures.
  

Needless to say, I am upset. This is the one thing that has helped to ease my mind after the miscarriage. All of the exercise and anticipation of doing something that I've always wanted to do has really helped with my stress level. I was looking forward to actually taking a freakin' day off where I didn't have to deal with ultrasounds, needles, or eggs being sucked out of my ovaries. It's not like I was trying to take a day off to sit on my butt at home...it was for a legitimate reason for which I have already invested money and time in...and they know that I've been planning this for awhile. FAIL.

Annnnd this is exactly why Andy and I never plan anything anymore. Something always goes wrong. Let me present to you a bulleted list on how we should have handled things in order for this whole 10k to work out:

• "Oh Andy, guess what? The Bridge Run is going to be on 3/27 this year...wanna give it a go?" said Jessica. "Why sure," Andy ecstatically replied. "I think that would be a fantastic idea! It's January so we have plenty of time to train!"
• January...no training.
  
• February...no training.
• March...start training the week before.
  
• Andy and Jessica register for Bridge run on 3/25, three days after the deadline. After being told that it was too late to register, they drop kicked a few of the officials and had it taken care of.
• Jessica calls into work "sick" on 3/26 because she forgets to ask for time off.
• Drive to Charleston. Head to the beach and start knocking on condo doors until we find someone that's willing to rent theirs out.
• Go out the night before the race, eat a huge meal, and drink until 2am. Go play on the beach until 3am.
• Sleep through the 4:30 alarm, and wake up at 5:45 am. Throw on some jeans, a tee, and some dress shoes because we forgot to pack our running gear. Haul butt to the bridge, which is 30 minutes away. Park the car. Run and catch up to our group as the start gun fires.
  
• Try to run, but pass out a few times along the way. Stop at the top of the bridge and take self portraits. Feed the dolphins.
• Log roll down the last half of the bridge and into downtown Charleston. Finish the race in last place. Drop kick a few of the Olympic runners that came in first.
  

With everything that has gone on, maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't participate in the race. This may seem trivial to most and sorry for the vent, but I am so disappointed and annoyed! I was so looking forward to it and now I've paid for a place on the beach that I can't even enjoy on Friday. Everyone else can take off work every other day because their kids are sick...so why can't I have a "my kids are sick" day? Especially when I've asked for it almost two months in advance! Ugh.

Wordless Wednesday

"Be grateful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." ~Oprah

Could've Been

Today, I would have been 12 weeks pregnant...almost out of the first trimester. I am so bummed.

Is this how it's going to be? Am I going to obsess over every pregnancy milestone that would have been? At 18 weeks, I'm going to wonder if it was a boy or a girl. At 20 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to have our baby doing flips in my tummy. At 28 weeks, I'm going to wonder what our baby would have looked like on a 4D ultrasound. At 36 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to wobble and be short of breath. At 40 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to be a mom. I'm obviously going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

I know I said that I wanted to take a break and get my mind off of everything, but I just can't seem to escape. Argh.

Pregnancy and children are around me every.single.day. I can't get away from it. Everyone that I work with is either pregnant or has children. It is a topic of everyday conversation...I have to either get up and walk away, or sit to the side like an outcast. I'm just going to have to figure out a way to get over it. I'm sure this is part of the grieving process, and I hope that I'm going to come out of this funk soon. I can't even think about spending time with my own baby nieces without feeling like I would have a meltdown.

Screw you infertility.

God has handed me the biggest challenge of my life so far. I will never be the same. All I ask is for God to please give me the strength to get through this. If not, our due date of August 14th is going to tear me up and send me to the looney bin.

A New Adventure...Part 1

I'm trying not to dwell too much on our recent loss and the hell on earth we call infertility, so I thought that I would get away from that for a few weeks and do some random posts about our haphazard life together. As a matter of fact, the ONLY thing we've ever planned in our marriage is having children. So let this be a lesson to you newlyweds...get knocked up ASAP. Don't worry about your education, careers, saving money to be a stay at home mom, buying a house, or enjoying your life together first. You need to spend all of your savings, throw out the birth control, and go get jiggy with it. Just do it.

Believe me, we are the King and Queen of "If you wait until you are ready to have children, you won't have them."

Did I really just digress? I am sorry. Like my sister always says...no regrets, just lessons learned.

Andy and I have been known to jump in a car and just...drive. Wherever the road takes us is basically where we end up. For instance, Memorial Day Weekend 2007. We had, what, like three days off of work? What started as a simple roadtrip to the coast of South Carolina, landed us in NYC. In three short days, we visited the major landmarks of D.C., climbed the Empire State building, got rowdy in Times Square, took a boat ride to the Statue of Liberty, walked through Central Park, visited Ground Zero (so sad), Rockefeller Center, Chinatown, Grand Central Station, and made the subway our biotch. We had so much fun, and even got to meet up with a childhood friend who lives there now.

Empire State

Also in 2007, I had the pleasure of visiting my best friend from nursing school who lived in Hawaii. Her hubby was stationed there, so all I had to do was buy a plane ticket and take the trip of a lifetime. We drove around the entire island of Oahu...I was able to see everything. My favorite part was snorkling in Hanauma Bay...or maybe it was visiting where Lost is filmed! Andy had to be left out of this adventure because of work issues which was a bummer. I will take him back one day though!

Prettiest beach in Oahu, Bellows Beach

Our next big roadtrip happened in 2008...to the Wild West. It was a little more thought out since we had to take some time off of work, but we didn't make reservations anywhere. When we got tired of driving or found a town that we liked, we would pull over and stay the night. My awesome parents were able to come along with us on this trip. In 10 days, we changed a flat tire in Kentucky, went to the top of the St. Louis Arch, drove through Missouri and Kansas, explored Denver & Vail, gasped at Utah (the most beautiful state), tore up Vegas, stood in amazement at the Hoover Dam, went rafting on the Colorado River in the bottom of the Grand Canyon, rode a helicopter out of the Grand Canyon, explored almost every rim of the Canyon, visited the meteor crater in Arizona, and drove back to South Carolina through the southernmost states. Incredible experience. I must say that we live on the wrong side of the country.

St. Louis

Riding the elevator to the top of the Arch

If it's prohibited, I'm there.

We made it to Colorado in one piece!

Beautiful Rockies outside of Denver

Taking a break from rafting in the Grand Canyon

Utah, our favorite state.

What happens in Vegas...

Living life by the pool in Vegas

About to fall into the Grand Canyon

We've had a lot of other adventures, but these were by far the best!

As we all know, 2009 was a pretty rough year for us. I am so very glad to see it go! We wiped the slate clean, and are praying that 2010 will be a better year.

I had the genius idea to push myself just a little bit further this year. I used to run a little bit as part of my workout routine, but got out of it as we got further into fertility treatments. Last week, I started training for the Bridge Run in Charleston. I even convinced my mom and Andy to do it with me...yay!!! It's a 10k run (6.2 miles) that begins in Mount Pleasant, goes over the Cooper River Bridge, and then into downtown Charleston. Hopefully I can burn off the 10 Lbs I gained during the last IVF cycle/pregnancy. I'm so excited and I hope that I don't end up in the hospital before all of this is over.

Our crazy adventures have been put on hold for awhile, but that doesn't mean we can't accept new challenges and push ourselves just a little bit further this year.

Cooper River Bridge...this picture was taken while we were in Charleston for our 1st IVF cycle. I LOVE this bridge.

We're going to run across that?!? Glad I have long term disability insurance.

Wish us luck!!!

Wordless Wednesday

One Last Punch in the Ovaries...

Back when we were beginning IVF #2, I came across a website by the name of Fertility Socks. It is run by a sweet girl named Emily who mails out fun socks so that us gals can be stylin' while we spend a majority of our time up in the stirrups. So, naturally, I signed up to receive a pair.

Fast forward to now...I had already forgotten that I ordered them when I received a plastic bag from the postal service with an empty envelope inside. Someone stole my Fertility Socks! Geez, how low can ya go? At least the post office left me a friendly apology note. Because, you know, they care and all.

Oh, the irony of it all:) Maybe this is the sign that I've been looking for. No socks = Stop treatments??? If we don't do the 3rd and final IVF in our shared risk package, will we regret it later on down the road? Will we say "what if"? Will we be at peace with that decision?

We've been struggling with the question of what to do next...and maybe God is putting the answer right in front of our face. We've had a lot of weird signs over the last couple of weeks that leads us to believe He is dropping subtle answers in our laps. I will have more details later. One thing we do know is that we don't want to rush into making any decisions right now while we are still grieving our loss.

I will say that we are beginning to have more hope.

To the person who is wearing my Fertility Socks...maybe you helped us to find an answer to our nagging questions. Maybe you did us a favor. I just pray that your feet look pretty and you have better luck in those stirrups than we did.

Click here to find out more information on how you can donate cute socks to help Fertility Socks with their fun mission!

Wordless Wednesday

Now, let me mess up the "Wordless" part...my poor baby is blind and we find her doing things like this all of the time. Bless her heart...I have to laugh at her, I can't help it!

Road to Recovery

We are still alive...just laying low for the past week!

First off, thank you soooooo much for all of the comments/emails/facebooks...and thanks to whoever gave our story to LFCA...the support has been amazing. Thanks a million times over!

I had a D & C last Wednesday (Dec. 30) and everything went smoothly...if smooth is even a good description for such a grim procedure. It wasn't even scheduled until 2pm and they made me NPO after midnight, so needless to say I was starving and extremely parched by the time recovery was over! My mom and Andy were there with me from start to finish. My bestie dropped by the house to bring my all-time favorite meal...Chick-fil-A! I passed out around 8 pm after a chicken sandwich, some Rainbow Twizzlers (a.k.a awesomeness), and a Percocet washed down with a swig of sweet tea. I didn't budge until 11 the next morning.

The best part was the financial paperwork I had to sign beforehand...the procedure fee wasn't $900. It was $4300!!! The $900 was just to meet my deductable...2 days before the year was over. Thank God insurance paid the rest. I'm sorry I'm so obsessed with the cost of this...I just can't believe how much this doctor charged for it. He should be ashamed of himself.

Ridiculousness!

Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.

We've been doing okay...emotionally we are pissed, disappointed, and sad. Physically, I think I'm doing okay. I will spare the details, but let's just say that this has been the worst cycle of my life! I guess what I'm experiencing is normal??? I haven't started to get lightheaded or anything, but man...I've lost a good bit and it doesn't act like it's going anywhere...anytime soon! Someone who has been through this, please enlighten me!

My bestie also gave us the keys to her family's condo on Hilton Head Island. How awesome is that? We have the greatest friends ever. We were able to get away for New Year's and the weekend so that we could relax, recover, and pick up the pieces.

We are still getting over the loss, so we haven't really talked about what we want to do next, if anything. We do know that it probably won't involve biological children. IVF was our last hope for that, and apparently the two of us don't make strong enough embryos for it to be successful. We do know that adoption, surrogates, donor eggs, donor sperm, and frozen embryos exist...we get asked about these all of the time. It's just all so overwhelming right now. We don't want all of these decisions to revolve around money, all that really matters is that we have a family eventually, right? However, we need to be realistic and responsible with our finances. Only time will tell, and I'm sure that the answer will eventually come to us.

We both went back to work this week and I think that it has helped to keep our minds off of everything. We decided to start fixing up the house since we have neglected it for the last few years. When we had our house built, they painted all of the walls khaki...we now have a gold living room and a soon-to-be ruby red bathroom! Color is SO much better!

Who knows, we may just sell the house...I wasn't kidding about the island life!

Seeking Closure and a Little Pity Party

Our Augusta doctor sent us on our way Monday morning after explaining to us that he recommends a "natural" miscarriage over the next 2 weeks. He said that it would be a painful, heavy period that would start in about a week. I would then come back to make sure that my hormones were back to baseline and verify that everything had been evacuated. I haven't started to visibly miscarry, the baby just stopped growing. The sac only measured 9mm when it should have been ~23 mm. It had decreased in size since last week. Still no heartbeat at almost 7.5 weeks. There was actually a yolk sac and fetal pole that grew after implantation, so it wasn't just a chemical pregnancy. I got a second opinion from my Charleston doctor who confirmed that this pregnancy was no longer viable.

After talking to my doctor in Charleston, there is absolutely no way I can do this. We have waited for this pregnancy for almost 5 years. I do not want to torture myself over the next 2 weeks and watch it slowly and painfully come out of me. Personally, it would kill me to have to go through that. Don't get me wrong...I hold no judgement against those who choose to go this route. I just don't think I can do it.

My other option is a D & C. I feel horrible about this...it makes me feel like I'm going in to have an abortion. After seeking reassurance from Charleston and weighing the pros and cons, we have decided to go with this option. After a few phone calls, my Augusta doctor has agreed to squeeze me in tomorrow afternoon. I have already taken the week off work, so this will give me time to recover. Besides, I don't think I could have gone back to work anytime soon regardless.

It will be done, it will be over. We won't have to prolong the grieving process. We can move on.

I will admit that this has been pretty tough. I was okay until the Augusta doctor called to tell me that we owe $900 (that we don't have) for the procedure. I just broke down and started hyperventilating. After all of this...more damn money. None of IVF went towards my deductable. Screw my cheap and crappy health insurance. Better yet, screw my doctor. The damn billionaire could at least cut us a break after all of the money we've given him. You know what really chaps my ass? The fact that that women who use abortion as a form of birth control can drop by a clinic and have it done for $300. God help me to understand the injustice of it all.

Andy and I have been discussing things, and we made the decision that after tomorrow, we are done. Emotionally we are done. Physically we are done. Financially we should have been done a long time ago. We can't go through this anymore. I will explain more at a later time, but right now I have a crappy attitude and just don't feel like discussing it. Not only do we get to grieve this child, but we have to grieve the fact that we will never have biological children. We can't continue on and just get pregnant again like normal people.

I really want to be a nice person and look forward to things in my life. I want to truly be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies. I want things to go back to the way they were before infertility ruined my life. It has cast a dark shadow over how I look at things now. I have become bitter and cynical. I was actually happy for the past 7 weeks. I was anxious, but I had a sense of relief that this horrible nightmare was over. I was one of "them". I was accepted. I fit in for once. I was pregnant. Now it's gone...I just wish I could have been given the one thing I've always wanted. A family.

I want to go far, far away. To a place where there are no pregnant women, no children. I don't want to listen to pregnant women complain about nausea, dizziness, fatigue...anymore. I don't want to hear another mom tell me that I can borrow her kids. Little does she know that I would kidnap them from her if she gave me the chance. I don't want to listen to people talk about their children 24/7 when I have nothing in common with them. The only story I have to share is what movie Andy and I watched the night before, or what we ate for dinner. We don't get to dress any children up for Halloween. We don't get to send out cute little picture Christmas cards and look forward to Christmas morning when they come running into the living room to see what Santa brought. We can't look forward to old age because we don't know if we'll have children or grandchildren to share it with. It is a feeling of loss that you could never imagine unless you've experienced it. It really does feel like someone close to us has died every month for the past 5 years. I would give one arm and both legs to experience the rest of this pregnancy and use the other arm to hold our child in 7 months. Hell, I would give my eyesight and hearing just so I could smell and touch my baby. I don't want to hear that we have plenty of other options. Easier said than done, considering it costs tens of thousands of dollars that we just don't have.

I just don't get it. We are good people. We are Christians. We have given so much to others without expecting anything in return. We have worked our butts off for an education and put so much into our careers. We've survived almost 9 years of marriage through all of this. You would think that the good karma would start coming back to us. I just wish I could understand God's plan in all of this. If no children are part of the plan, then what do we have to be responsible for? We might as well just sell the house & cars, jump on a plane and go live on a beach in the islands somewhere. We would be really cool bartenders. I think they would like us.

Annnnnd...looking on the bright side of things, we have our life. We have our health. We have the Gamecocks. We have wonderful family and friends that have bent over backwards to help us through this. We can jump in the car at any time and go wherever we want to go. We have alcohol...in moderation;)

Andy and my mom will be taking me to the surgical center tomorrow. My gonads will be violated for the last time. I'm done. Done. DONE. Please pray that everything goes smoothly and that I wait until after the procedure to punch my doctor for ripping us off one last time (this is obviously a joke...I will, however, have a very sharp tongue since it will be the last time I will have to come in contact with him).

Thank you for all of the wonderful comments on my last post and personal emails that were sent. We read every last one of them and they brought us comfort. I am still reading them over and over again. I'm sorry if I am coming across as doom and gloom...this is just how I feel right now. Maybe my feelings will change once I have a chance to grieve and get on with my life. You all are the best and we're so lucky to have your prayers and support. We couldn't have gone through this alone. Thank you again. I will be in touch once the drugs wear off or after I have been bailed out of jail.

FML

I don't really feel like going into many details right now, but we lost the baby.

I'll have a "pity party" story to follow, so consider that a warning in advance if you don't like to read them.

Ugh...I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of our shitty luck. Fucking sick of it. And yes, I will have a potty mouth today because I really don't care about anything right now.

To all of those who have been blessed with children...go home and cuddle with them tonight. Do not take them for granted.

Need. Alcohol.

Well, we've been riding on that roller coaster again today.

We saw the baby (yes, only 1!) on the ultrasound this morning, but...no heartbeat. I ended up having to go over to the hospital to have some blood drawn to check out my hormone levels.

Today was the first time I have EVER called into my current job. I hate that I had to break the record, but I was just too emotionally scattered to keep a clear mind. So, Andy and I went home and crashed on the couch for the remainder of the day.

I finally got a call around 4 pm. My actual doctor in Charleston called me from his cell phone...imagine that! My HCG is still rising and is at 4100 now. My estrogen is 3230 and progesterone is 143. I just don't get it.

According to him there is still hope, and that it could go either way. He said that some embryos are slow implanters which would explain why my HCG continues to rise. He also pointed out that they cannot always find a heartbeat at 6 weeks. I'm 6 weeks and 2 days right now, so we could have a procrastinator on our hands.

My satellite doctor in Augusta also called to make sure that I received my lab results. They said that my numbers look completely fine and that it could just be too early. They also pointed out the fact that if there were a pending miscarriage, my progesterone would be squat (<20) regardless of how many suppositories I'm taking a day.

So, there was some reassuring news at the end of the day. That made us feel a lot better. We have to wait another week and go back next Monday for a 7 week 2 day ultrasound. This is going to be a stressful Christmas! We are hopeful but it is still very unnerving.

Now that I think about it, they didn't even give me a picture from my ultrasound! It's probably a good thing...I would be Googling images and comparing it all night. Google is evil for infertiles.

We thank you all for your prayers and sweet comments. Please keep the prayers coming. Miracles can happen! We hope that everyone has a Merry Merry Christmas!!!

Yessssssss.....

Oh my goodness, I'm nauseated!!! I'm so excited!!!

I've looked forward to this day for a long time.

If God lets me keep this pregnancy, I'm going to be grateful for every feeling...good or bad. No complaining from this pregnant girl! That is, if I can get past the anxiety of it all.

Please pray that we see a little Giblet or Shweet T at our ultrasound next Monday!

The Waiting Game

Today's HCG came back at 929...my nurse said that they like to see it at 1000, so they're going to do an early ultrasound next Monday to make sure that everything is okay.

The anxiety is killing me. I know that I need to be calm, but come on! I'm almost at 1000, so why would they tell me that? To make me worry for the next week??? If a normal beta doubles every 48-72 hours, then I should be right on target. I just don't understand where they get their numbers from. From what I've read, the range on a normal HCG is extremely broad and not to worry as long as your number continues to rise.

Do they torture normal pregnant women with all of these betas? Don't they usually just tell you that you're pregnant and to come back in a month for your first ultrasound? Geez.

I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for the next week. I guess I'll go buy another truckload of pee sticks to pass the time.

Please pray that this little miracle is cooperating down there. I don't know how much more of this I can take.