Wordless Wednesday

"Be grateful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." ~Oprah

Could've Been

Today, I would have been 12 weeks pregnant...almost out of the first trimester. I am so bummed.

Is this how it's going to be? Am I going to obsess over every pregnancy milestone that would have been? At 18 weeks, I'm going to wonder if it was a boy or a girl. At 20 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to have our baby doing flips in my tummy. At 28 weeks, I'm going to wonder what our baby would have looked like on a 4D ultrasound. At 36 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to wobble and be short of breath. At 40 weeks, I'm going to wonder what it would have felt like to be a mom. I'm obviously going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

I know I said that I wanted to take a break and get my mind off of everything, but I just can't seem to escape. Argh.

Pregnancy and children are around me every.single.day. I can't get away from it. Everyone that I work with is either pregnant or has children. It is a topic of everyday conversation...I have to either get up and walk away, or sit to the side like an outcast. I'm just going to have to figure out a way to get over it. I'm sure this is part of the grieving process, and I hope that I'm going to come out of this funk soon. I can't even think about spending time with my own baby nieces without feeling like I would have a meltdown.

Screw you infertility.

God has handed me the biggest challenge of my life so far. I will never be the same. All I ask is for God to please give me the strength to get through this. If not, our due date of August 14th is going to tear me up and send me to the looney bin.

A New Adventure...Part 1

I'm trying not to dwell too much on our recent loss and the hell on earth we call infertility, so I thought that I would get away from that for a few weeks and do some random posts about our haphazard life together. As a matter of fact, the ONLY thing we've ever planned in our marriage is having children. So let this be a lesson to you newlyweds...get knocked up ASAP. Don't worry about your education, careers, saving money to be a stay at home mom, buying a house, or enjoying your life together first. You need to spend all of your savings, throw out the birth control, and go get jiggy with it. Just do it.

Believe me, we are the King and Queen of "If you wait until you are ready to have children, you won't have them."

Did I really just digress? I am sorry. Like my sister always says...no regrets, just lessons learned.

Andy and I have been known to jump in a car and just...drive. Wherever the road takes us is basically where we end up. For instance, Memorial Day Weekend 2007. We had, what, like three days off of work? What started as a simple roadtrip to the coast of South Carolina, landed us in NYC. In three short days, we visited the major landmarks of D.C., climbed the Empire State building, got rowdy in Times Square, took a boat ride to the Statue of Liberty, walked through Central Park, visited Ground Zero (so sad), Rockefeller Center, Chinatown, Grand Central Station, and made the subway our biotch. We had so much fun, and even got to meet up with a childhood friend who lives there now.

Empire State

Also in 2007, I had the pleasure of visiting my best friend from nursing school who lived in Hawaii. Her hubby was stationed there, so all I had to do was buy a plane ticket and take the trip of a lifetime. We drove around the entire island of Oahu...I was able to see everything. My favorite part was snorkling in Hanauma Bay...or maybe it was visiting where Lost is filmed! Andy had to be left out of this adventure because of work issues which was a bummer. I will take him back one day though!

Prettiest beach in Oahu, Bellows Beach

Our next big roadtrip happened in 2008...to the Wild West. It was a little more thought out since we had to take some time off of work, but we didn't make reservations anywhere. When we got tired of driving or found a town that we liked, we would pull over and stay the night. My awesome parents were able to come along with us on this trip. In 10 days, we changed a flat tire in Kentucky, went to the top of the St. Louis Arch, drove through Missouri and Kansas, explored Denver & Vail, gasped at Utah (the most beautiful state), tore up Vegas, stood in amazement at the Hoover Dam, went rafting on the Colorado River in the bottom of the Grand Canyon, rode a helicopter out of the Grand Canyon, explored almost every rim of the Canyon, visited the meteor crater in Arizona, and drove back to South Carolina through the southernmost states. Incredible experience. I must say that we live on the wrong side of the country.

St. Louis

Riding the elevator to the top of the Arch

If it's prohibited, I'm there.

We made it to Colorado in one piece!

Beautiful Rockies outside of Denver

Taking a break from rafting in the Grand Canyon

Utah, our favorite state.

What happens in Vegas...

Living life by the pool in Vegas

About to fall into the Grand Canyon

We've had a lot of other adventures, but these were by far the best!

As we all know, 2009 was a pretty rough year for us. I am so very glad to see it go! We wiped the slate clean, and are praying that 2010 will be a better year.

I had the genius idea to push myself just a little bit further this year. I used to run a little bit as part of my workout routine, but got out of it as we got further into fertility treatments. Last week, I started training for the Bridge Run in Charleston. I even convinced my mom and Andy to do it with me...yay!!! It's a 10k run (6.2 miles) that begins in Mount Pleasant, goes over the Cooper River Bridge, and then into downtown Charleston. Hopefully I can burn off the 10 Lbs I gained during the last IVF cycle/pregnancy. I'm so excited and I hope that I don't end up in the hospital before all of this is over.

Our crazy adventures have been put on hold for awhile, but that doesn't mean we can't accept new challenges and push ourselves just a little bit further this year.

Cooper River Bridge...this picture was taken while we were in Charleston for our 1st IVF cycle. I LOVE this bridge.

We're going to run across that?!? Glad I have long term disability insurance.

Wish us luck!!!

Wordless Wednesday

One Last Punch in the Ovaries...

Back when we were beginning IVF #2, I came across a website by the name of Fertility Socks. It is run by a sweet girl named Emily who mails out fun socks so that us gals can be stylin' while we spend a majority of our time up in the stirrups. So, naturally, I signed up to receive a pair.

Fast forward to now...I had already forgotten that I ordered them when I received a plastic bag from the postal service with an empty envelope inside. Someone stole my Fertility Socks! Geez, how low can ya go? At least the post office left me a friendly apology note. Because, you know, they care and all.

Oh, the irony of it all:) Maybe this is the sign that I've been looking for. No socks = Stop treatments??? If we don't do the 3rd and final IVF in our shared risk package, will we regret it later on down the road? Will we say "what if"? Will we be at peace with that decision?

We've been struggling with the question of what to do next...and maybe God is putting the answer right in front of our face. We've had a lot of weird signs over the last couple of weeks that leads us to believe He is dropping subtle answers in our laps. I will have more details later. One thing we do know is that we don't want to rush into making any decisions right now while we are still grieving our loss.

I will say that we are beginning to have more hope.

To the person who is wearing my Fertility Socks...maybe you helped us to find an answer to our nagging questions. Maybe you did us a favor. I just pray that your feet look pretty and you have better luck in those stirrups than we did.

Click here to find out more information on how you can donate cute socks to help Fertility Socks with their fun mission!

Wordless Wednesday

Now, let me mess up the "Wordless" part...my poor baby is blind and we find her doing things like this all of the time. Bless her heart...I have to laugh at her, I can't help it!

Road to Recovery

We are still alive...just laying low for the past week!

First off, thank you soooooo much for all of the comments/emails/facebooks...and thanks to whoever gave our story to LFCA...the support has been amazing. Thanks a million times over!

I had a D & C last Wednesday (Dec. 30) and everything went smoothly...if smooth is even a good description for such a grim procedure. It wasn't even scheduled until 2pm and they made me NPO after midnight, so needless to say I was starving and extremely parched by the time recovery was over! My mom and Andy were there with me from start to finish. My bestie dropped by the house to bring my all-time favorite meal...Chick-fil-A! I passed out around 8 pm after a chicken sandwich, some Rainbow Twizzlers (a.k.a awesomeness), and a Percocet washed down with a swig of sweet tea. I didn't budge until 11 the next morning.

The best part was the financial paperwork I had to sign beforehand...the procedure fee wasn't $900. It was $4300!!! The $900 was just to meet my deductable...2 days before the year was over. Thank God insurance paid the rest. I'm sorry I'm so obsessed with the cost of this...I just can't believe how much this doctor charged for it. He should be ashamed of himself.

Ridiculousness!

Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.

We've been doing okay...emotionally we are pissed, disappointed, and sad. Physically, I think I'm doing okay. I will spare the details, but let's just say that this has been the worst cycle of my life! I guess what I'm experiencing is normal??? I haven't started to get lightheaded or anything, but man...I've lost a good bit and it doesn't act like it's going anywhere...anytime soon! Someone who has been through this, please enlighten me!

My bestie also gave us the keys to her family's condo on Hilton Head Island. How awesome is that? We have the greatest friends ever. We were able to get away for New Year's and the weekend so that we could relax, recover, and pick up the pieces.

We are still getting over the loss, so we haven't really talked about what we want to do next, if anything. We do know that it probably won't involve biological children. IVF was our last hope for that, and apparently the two of us don't make strong enough embryos for it to be successful. We do know that adoption, surrogates, donor eggs, donor sperm, and frozen embryos exist...we get asked about these all of the time. It's just all so overwhelming right now. We don't want all of these decisions to revolve around money, all that really matters is that we have a family eventually, right? However, we need to be realistic and responsible with our finances. Only time will tell, and I'm sure that the answer will eventually come to us.

We both went back to work this week and I think that it has helped to keep our minds off of everything. We decided to start fixing up the house since we have neglected it for the last few years. When we had our house built, they painted all of the walls khaki...we now have a gold living room and a soon-to-be ruby red bathroom! Color is SO much better!

Who knows, we may just sell the house...I wasn't kidding about the island life!

Seeking Closure and a Little Pity Party

Our Augusta doctor sent us on our way Monday morning after explaining to us that he recommends a "natural" miscarriage over the next 2 weeks. He said that it would be a painful, heavy period that would start in about a week. I would then come back to make sure that my hormones were back to baseline and verify that everything had been evacuated. I haven't started to visibly miscarry, the baby just stopped growing. The sac only measured 9mm when it should have been ~23 mm. It had decreased in size since last week. Still no heartbeat at almost 7.5 weeks. There was actually a yolk sac and fetal pole that grew after implantation, so it wasn't just a chemical pregnancy. I got a second opinion from my Charleston doctor who confirmed that this pregnancy was no longer viable.

After talking to my doctor in Charleston, there is absolutely no way I can do this. We have waited for this pregnancy for almost 5 years. I do not want to torture myself over the next 2 weeks and watch it slowly and painfully come out of me. Personally, it would kill me to have to go through that. Don't get me wrong...I hold no judgement against those who choose to go this route. I just don't think I can do it.

My other option is a D & C. I feel horrible about this...it makes me feel like I'm going in to have an abortion. After seeking reassurance from Charleston and weighing the pros and cons, we have decided to go with this option. After a few phone calls, my Augusta doctor has agreed to squeeze me in tomorrow afternoon. I have already taken the week off work, so this will give me time to recover. Besides, I don't think I could have gone back to work anytime soon regardless.

It will be done, it will be over. We won't have to prolong the grieving process. We can move on.

I will admit that this has been pretty tough. I was okay until the Augusta doctor called to tell me that we owe $900 (that we don't have) for the procedure. I just broke down and started hyperventilating. After all of this...more damn money. None of IVF went towards my deductable. Screw my cheap and crappy health insurance. Better yet, screw my doctor. The damn billionaire could at least cut us a break after all of the money we've given him. You know what really chaps my ass? The fact that that women who use abortion as a form of birth control can drop by a clinic and have it done for $300. God help me to understand the injustice of it all.

Andy and I have been discussing things, and we made the decision that after tomorrow, we are done. Emotionally we are done. Physically we are done. Financially we should have been done a long time ago. We can't go through this anymore. I will explain more at a later time, but right now I have a crappy attitude and just don't feel like discussing it. Not only do we get to grieve this child, but we have to grieve the fact that we will never have biological children. We can't continue on and just get pregnant again like normal people.

I really want to be a nice person and look forward to things in my life. I want to truly be happy for people when they announce their pregnancies. I want things to go back to the way they were before infertility ruined my life. It has cast a dark shadow over how I look at things now. I have become bitter and cynical. I was actually happy for the past 7 weeks. I was anxious, but I had a sense of relief that this horrible nightmare was over. I was one of "them". I was accepted. I fit in for once. I was pregnant. Now it's gone...I just wish I could have been given the one thing I've always wanted. A family.

I want to go far, far away. To a place where there are no pregnant women, no children. I don't want to listen to pregnant women complain about nausea, dizziness, fatigue...anymore. I don't want to hear another mom tell me that I can borrow her kids. Little does she know that I would kidnap them from her if she gave me the chance. I don't want to listen to people talk about their children 24/7 when I have nothing in common with them. The only story I have to share is what movie Andy and I watched the night before, or what we ate for dinner. We don't get to dress any children up for Halloween. We don't get to send out cute little picture Christmas cards and look forward to Christmas morning when they come running into the living room to see what Santa brought. We can't look forward to old age because we don't know if we'll have children or grandchildren to share it with. It is a feeling of loss that you could never imagine unless you've experienced it. It really does feel like someone close to us has died every month for the past 5 years. I would give one arm and both legs to experience the rest of this pregnancy and use the other arm to hold our child in 7 months. Hell, I would give my eyesight and hearing just so I could smell and touch my baby. I don't want to hear that we have plenty of other options. Easier said than done, considering it costs tens of thousands of dollars that we just don't have.

I just don't get it. We are good people. We are Christians. We have given so much to others without expecting anything in return. We have worked our butts off for an education and put so much into our careers. We've survived almost 9 years of marriage through all of this. You would think that the good karma would start coming back to us. I just wish I could understand God's plan in all of this. If no children are part of the plan, then what do we have to be responsible for? We might as well just sell the house & cars, jump on a plane and go live on a beach in the islands somewhere. We would be really cool bartenders. I think they would like us.

Annnnnd...looking on the bright side of things, we have our life. We have our health. We have the Gamecocks. We have wonderful family and friends that have bent over backwards to help us through this. We can jump in the car at any time and go wherever we want to go. We have alcohol...in moderation;)

Andy and my mom will be taking me to the surgical center tomorrow. My gonads will be violated for the last time. I'm done. Done. DONE. Please pray that everything goes smoothly and that I wait until after the procedure to punch my doctor for ripping us off one last time (this is obviously a joke...I will, however, have a very sharp tongue since it will be the last time I will have to come in contact with him).

Thank you for all of the wonderful comments on my last post and personal emails that were sent. We read every last one of them and they brought us comfort. I am still reading them over and over again. I'm sorry if I am coming across as doom and gloom...this is just how I feel right now. Maybe my feelings will change once I have a chance to grieve and get on with my life. You all are the best and we're so lucky to have your prayers and support. We couldn't have gone through this alone. Thank you again. I will be in touch once the drugs wear off or after I have been bailed out of jail.

FML

I don't really feel like going into many details right now, but we lost the baby.

I'll have a "pity party" story to follow, so consider that a warning in advance if you don't like to read them.

Ugh...I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of our shitty luck. Fucking sick of it. And yes, I will have a potty mouth today because I really don't care about anything right now.

To all of those who have been blessed with children...go home and cuddle with them tonight. Do not take them for granted.

Need. Alcohol.

Well, we've been riding on that roller coaster again today.

We saw the baby (yes, only 1!) on the ultrasound this morning, but...no heartbeat. I ended up having to go over to the hospital to have some blood drawn to check out my hormone levels.

Today was the first time I have EVER called into my current job. I hate that I had to break the record, but I was just too emotionally scattered to keep a clear mind. So, Andy and I went home and crashed on the couch for the remainder of the day.

I finally got a call around 4 pm. My actual doctor in Charleston called me from his cell phone...imagine that! My HCG is still rising and is at 4100 now. My estrogen is 3230 and progesterone is 143. I just don't get it.

According to him there is still hope, and that it could go either way. He said that some embryos are slow implanters which would explain why my HCG continues to rise. He also pointed out that they cannot always find a heartbeat at 6 weeks. I'm 6 weeks and 2 days right now, so we could have a procrastinator on our hands.

My satellite doctor in Augusta also called to make sure that I received my lab results. They said that my numbers look completely fine and that it could just be too early. They also pointed out the fact that if there were a pending miscarriage, my progesterone would be squat (<20) regardless of how many suppositories I'm taking a day.

So, there was some reassuring news at the end of the day. That made us feel a lot better. We have to wait another week and go back next Monday for a 7 week 2 day ultrasound. This is going to be a stressful Christmas! We are hopeful but it is still very unnerving.

Now that I think about it, they didn't even give me a picture from my ultrasound! It's probably a good thing...I would be Googling images and comparing it all night. Google is evil for infertiles.

We thank you all for your prayers and sweet comments. Please keep the prayers coming. Miracles can happen! We hope that everyone has a Merry Merry Christmas!!!

Yessssssss.....

Oh my goodness, I'm nauseated!!! I'm so excited!!!

I've looked forward to this day for a long time.

If God lets me keep this pregnancy, I'm going to be grateful for every feeling...good or bad. No complaining from this pregnant girl! That is, if I can get past the anxiety of it all.

Please pray that we see a little Giblet or Shweet T at our ultrasound next Monday!

The Waiting Game

Today's HCG came back at 929...my nurse said that they like to see it at 1000, so they're going to do an early ultrasound next Monday to make sure that everything is okay.

The anxiety is killing me. I know that I need to be calm, but come on! I'm almost at 1000, so why would they tell me that? To make me worry for the next week??? If a normal beta doubles every 48-72 hours, then I should be right on target. I just don't understand where they get their numbers from. From what I've read, the range on a normal HCG is extremely broad and not to worry as long as your number continues to rise.

Do they torture normal pregnant women with all of these betas? Don't they usually just tell you that you're pregnant and to come back in a month for your first ultrasound? Geez.

I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for the next week. I guess I'll go buy another truckload of pee sticks to pass the time.

Please pray that this little miracle is cooperating down there. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Borderline Psychotic?

Hey, at least the line is getting darker as each day goes by. I still can't believe it. This is the best Christmas present EVER. I go in tomorrow for my 3rd beta and then they will schedule my first ultrasound. OMG!

Blessed Again

My Beta HCG doubled! Hallelujah! It went from 75 on Friday, to 157 this morning. HCG is a hormone produced by the placenta shortly after implantation. In most normal pregnancies the HCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours and it normally increases by at least 60% every two days. When it gets to about 1200 it continues to climb a little slower. After about 2-3 months it will start to decline and eventually plateau. Here's my chart so far...it seems to be on the high end of normal. There's really no way of telling if we're dealing with twins here.

I'm so relieved, but now I have to wait ONE WEEK before I have another one drawn. Argh matey. If it has continued to rise, they will then schedule my first ultrasound. What am I going to do for the next week? Let's just say that my pee on a stick addiction has been taken to the next level. It's worse than it has ever been before, but it's my security blanket for now. I should have bought stock in those damn things...

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and congrats...we feel so blessed to have come this far and still feel like we're dreaming!!! Grow baby grow!!!

Am I Dreaming?

Oh. My. God.

I'm pregnant.

PREGNANT!

It's been almost 5 years...I can't believe it. We are ecstatic and feel like we're dreaming! IVF worked...is this really happening???

I started peeing on a stick Monday night...yeah, I know I'm a cheater. A very, very faint line showed up Wednesday morning, I just passed it off as an evaporation line. The line got a little easier to see on Thursday morning...gulp. The line came up almost instantly this morning and the digital came up pregnant in like 20 seconds!

I wasn't going to get my hopes up until I heard from my doctor...they drew my blood this morning and called me back to tell me that my Beta HCG was 75 and Estrogen was >1000. I'm 10 days past a 3 day transfer and my nurse said that these were strong numbers. Of course, I started beast crying at work and I think I had all of my coworkers beast crying along with me.

Now the question is...how many are in there? Holy cowhide!

I go back Monday to make sure my levels are still going up. The only symptoms I have are sore tatas, some cramping, a little dizzy, and I've peed 98493092 times today.

We're not out of the woods yet, but we're so happy because this is the furthest we've ever come. My Daddy's birthday was yesterday, so we took him out to dinner tonight. His present? A pair of Gamecock booties...he and my mom were so excited!

I've already announced it on Facebook...I couldn't help it. We've waited too long to make that announcement, so we're going to enjoy this moment! It's our turn:)

God is so good! We are so blessed!!!