Uterus. Check. Estrogen. Check Check.

I saw my local doctor yesterday for an ultrasound and labs, and everything came back great! My uterus is perfect (lining has shedded), no cysts on the ovaries, and my estrogen has bottomed out! I'm on Day 4 of my cycle and started taking oral Estradiol today. They have completely shut down my ovarian function with the Lupron injections, and now they are manipulating my cycle as my own body would do. This way, they have complete control over all of my hormones!

I will escalate the Estrogen dose weekly. Right now I'm on one every morning and one every night. After a few weeks, I will have titrated it up to two tablets three times daily. Around transfer time, I will begin the Progesterone in oil injections twice daily, as well as progesterone vajayjay suppositories. I will stay on Lupron injections every morning from here on out to keep my ovaries asleep. Andy is taking ten days worth of doxycycline (an antibiotic) to make sure he doesn't have any infections that will affect his sperm when it's time to take them...this is standard protocol. I will also have to take it around the time of transfer.

I'm seriously not stressing at all...yet. I have a different set of medications to keep up with, but I can't tell you how happy I am that I don't have to stimulate myself this time. Been there, done that, and don't ever want to do it again...it's torture!

My next ultrasound and lab work is 4/4. That is around the time our donor will begin stimulating. So excited!!!

Please don't forget that we are keeping this cycle hush hush to everyone but select members of our family, and those that are sweet enough to continue reading our blog. I haven't told anyone at work except my boss, but I suspect that some people are starting to figure out what is going on with my comings and goings and phone calls from my doctor everyday. That is fine, but I just don't want to have to explain everything to everyone..everyday. As much as we appreciate the support, it is so very hard to manage everyone else's emotions on top of trying to deal with this ourselves. Plus, if it does work, we do not want to tell anyone until we are absolutely sure it is viable. This probably means when I carry a baby home from the hospital. Thanks for understanding...and for everyone's support!

It's A Go!

Sorry I haven't updated lately...it's been really busy around here! I'm doing this from my phone, so forgive me if there are any typos.

First off, we were approved for the Shared Risk program! We had some issues with our first contract and the total was almost twice what we were quoted last year. Awesome. The only thing that was covered was the egg retrieval and transfer. Everything else was out of pocket...donor compensation, labs, ultrasounds, etc. So, we we're just about to take a leap of faith and pay for a cycle without the chance of getting a refund if it didn't work. Our financial rep had to call the company and they wrote up another contract that included everything but my monitoring. The fee was still a lot more, but we went ahead and agreed to it. We just couldn't stomach taking the chance and having absolutely no money refunded if this doesn't work. It's a nauseating amount of money! We get 3 fresh donor IVF cycles, and unlimited FET cycles. 100% of our money is refunded if we don't take a live baby home from the hospital after all of the cycles are used up.

I started Lupron injections yesterday and will do so until the transfer which is scheduled around 4/19. I will start estrogen sometime in the next month, and will do progesterone suppositories and progesterone in oil injections after the transfer. From what I've heard, those are hell! It's like injecting molasses into your butt cheek...twice a day for 12 weeks. k.

So far so good! My next appointment for labs and an ultrasound is 3/23. I have to go back to the dreaded Augusta doctor whom is a pompous arse, but I'd rather not have to drive to Charleston all of the time while trying to work.

Please pray! :)



Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Let's Get This Party Started...Once Again

I just wanted to do a quick update because it's my birthday and I'm going to enjoy the rest of the evening! :)

We were able to get into the system and chose another donor last Thursday night. Our second choice from the first time was still available. However, another girl caught our eye and we picked her instead. She doesn't look a thing like me, but she already has one child, so we know that she definitely has some eggs in there! We are the secondary couple this time, instead of primary. This means that there is a chance we could get dropped from the cycle if the donor doesn't produce a lot of eggs, but our nurse said this only happens <5% of the time.

All we know is that she's 5'3" with light brown hair and blue eyes. She has good vision/hearing and didn't have a significant personal/family history of issues which is good. We still have to wait for the genetic testing again, but hopefully the last incident was a rare occasion and we won't have to deal with that again!

We went to Charleston this past weekend and saw our doctor on Monday morning. I had a sonohystogram performed which looks for abnormalities in my uterus such as polyps, fibroids, abnormal lining, etc. From what I understand, the uterus is like a deflated balloon. The walls are collapsed onto each other, and it's hard to see the lining with a regular ultrasound. They prepped me like a pap smear, and inserted a catheter into my uterus. They then injected saline into my uterus to inflate it like a balloon and then did the abominable dildo cam to look for any abnormalities. Good news is that it came back A++++++++!!! I'm so proud of my uterus. If only God would have given me perfect eggs to match.

They were also able to submit my Shared-Risk Program application to see if we are eligible for the 100% refund program...we should hear an answer soon! They are predicting a yes since all of our tests are perfect!

We briefly spoke with our doctor about the recent events. Apparently I was wrong in my assumption about the genetic testing and why our first donor was disqualified. He explained to us that she had donated eggs through their program before. It is regular practice that they do test the donors before allowing them in the active pool. However, they just added a new panel of tests that they previously did not screen for. She just happened to come back positive for one of them which they were told only happened 4% of the time. However, they are finding that their donors are coming back positive carriers about 28% of the time. The girls are completely healthy, but just happen to be a carrier of some disorders. So again, hopefully we won't have to go through this again. If so, then they would probably just test Andy and if he's not a carrier too, then we're in the clear. Genetics confuses the heck out of me, so this is the best I can explain it.

More good news...we received our updated schedule from our nurse on Tuesday! It really surprised me because we are pretty much on the same time frame...pending no problems! I am prepared for interruptions though...they are inevitable with IVF. I've been on birth control since February and will start Lupron injections the week after next, and will still be going for ultrasounds/lab work throughout the months of March/April. I will start estrogen towards the end of this month. The donor's retrieval is around 4/16, depending on how she stimulates, and then our transfer will be around 4/19-4/21.

So overwhelming and exciting. Again, thank you all for your sweet comments and prayers. Please keep them coming...we need all we can get!

Also, please if you know me in real life do not make any "public" announcements that we are going through this again. We've decided to keep it on the DL as much as we can until something positive comes out of this 6 year ridiculousness. Please refer to my previous post for a better explanation. We thank you for understanding! Love you all:)

Welp, Cycle Canceled. k.

Welp, found out today that this cycle has been canceled because our Donor came back as a carrier for one of the genetic diseases they screen for. Therefore, this disqualifies her from being an egg donor.

My first question...why did they let her in the pool without testing her first?? Welp, all of the genetic testing is expensive (out of our pockets) and they don't run those tests until the donor is picked. It would be a waste of money for our clinic to pay out of pocket for all of the genetic testing when there is a chance a lot of the donors never get picked.

The only information she gave me was that it would most likely affect my child if it was a boy. I'm guessing she was probably a carrier for Hemophilia or Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy because those are the most common x-linked recessive disorders.

My nurse was as bummed as I was...however, I'm glad that they are so strict with screening and caught it. So, cute little girl that looked exactly like me as a baby is out of this ball game!

She said gave us a new password to log on to the donor pool again so that we can pick another. I am to stay on the pill so she can keep control of my cycle. I'm still keeping my appointment in Charleston on Monday to have all of our testing done (sonohystogram/labs/consents).  If we pick another Primary position, then we have to wait for another girl to pick that donor too. If we pick a Secondary, then we can keep the same momentum and hopefully stay on track. It would throw the dates off a little bit by having to test a new girl and get cycles synced, but shouldn't make too big of a difference. Our nurse said that if she's not mistaken, our second pick is still waiting on a secondary. That would make it easier just to go in and submit her as our first.

The problem with going Secondary is that we could be dropped if she doesn't produce enough and the Primary would get all of the eggs. I asked her about this and she said that she only sees Secondaries get dropped about 5% of the time.

As Andy and Jessica luck would have it, we went to log on and the site keeps telling me that our username and password are invalid. My clinic is closed. So, I'm writing this blog post instead of combing through donors. I guess I will have to call her first thing in the morning to get it straightened out.

I'm not upset....we didn't even expect to do this until May-June anyway. We have been waiting 6 years, so what's another month anyway?!? Delays and the waiting game are what define infertility treatments and I'm all too familiar with that. The only thing it messes up is the time I already submitted off work, and that it might interfere with other coworker's vacation time. I can't worry about that though. This is my priority and I need to stop putting my life on hold for work!

Welp, I'm trusting in God and keeping the Faith that it will all work out in the end. It has to! It's just a little bump in the road. Our Christmas miracle will just have to be a Valentine's miracle! Or maybe a St. Patty's Day miracle. I could give birth and then drink some green beer. Fawesome.

You Gotta Have Faith-a-Faith-a-Faith-ahhhh

Okay, so I have to drop the comedy act and get all serious on y'all...but just this once. I might even throw in a surprise T-Shirt Tuesday to cheery up your day!

I received the following letter from a close friend of mine and wanted to share it with you all. She found these words of inspiration in a book that she is currently reading, and thought that it would give me hope. She was right...it gave me chills and gave me some perspective as to why Andy and I have come to this particular crossroad in our relationship. This excerpt not only applies to infertility, but to many issues in life that someone may face. Thank you, sweet friend, for your comforting words and support!

Why did God allow this to happen to me?

There comes a time in your life when you have to take a step out in faith and really believe that God has a plan for your life. Everyone you know and everything that happens is God's hand trying to bring you closer to him.

Take a step further, you need to believe that God's plan will make you happy. This may seem contradictory to your current situation, but remember, things are not always what they seem. You are in the thick of the situation. You are filled with anger, resentment, grief...but God knows your pain! He knows what you are going through, he is aware of what is happening in your life, and he is trying to help you learn and grow through these circumstances. It may seem like a jumbled mess now, but if you allow God access to your life, he will take it and make it something wonderful. He will make you happier than you could ever imagine.

In addition to being present in your life, God has a plan. It takes hope for the future to survive >>insert problem here<< and hope is possible, even on the darkest of nights. 

It also takes Faith. Trust in God.

"I know you are suffering. I love you, and now I want to show you the way through your suffering into happiness." Christ says. 

While you may not have a clue as to what God has planned for you in the future, you can be rest assured that it is going to be better than you can imagine.

Now, I don't want to turn this into a Bible study, but this really made my heart happy. I've never really told a lot of people this, but Andy and I have been together 13 years and never had a relationship with God until recently. As a matter of fact, the only time we've stepped foot in a church together was our wedding (in a chapel, if that's even considered church), and for special events. I was raised Catholic, but several issues turned me away from the church during my high school years.

It was infertility that brought us to God in January of last year right after we lost our baby. We saw a video sermon online from the church we go to now, and in it was a couple they interviewed about their recent stillbirth. They inspired me because even though they just lost their baby at full term, they believed that there was a reason for it and they still had FAITH. Sure, they were extremely upset...but they didn't hate God. They knew that God needed their baby for a special reason, and would leave them with a gift of peace unlike any kind that the world can give. Sure enough, she was pregnant again a few months later and were blessed with a healthy baby this past Christmas.

We may never know God's reasoning in taking their baby, but they remained patient, kept their faith, and because of this, they were blessed in the end. They never gave up on God or rebelled against Him.

Now, the freaky part of this story is that the father in this story had been popping up in my life at random times in the last few years. He is a pastor at our new church and when I ran into him, he would always ask me if we had a church. It's just weird to me how all of these events just fell into place. What brought me to that church's website, and what brought me to that particular sermon about "Loss" right when I had my own miscarriage?

Was it God's plan to put us through infertility hell to bring Andy and I to Him? It certainly seems so. Had we gotten pregnant the first month of trying, we may have never stepped foot in a church. And if we hadn't stepped foot in our church last January, there's a good chance we would be divorced right now. We were on the verge of hating life and hating each other.

As quoted above, "Everyone you know and everything that happens is God's hand trying to bring you closer to him....He is trying to help you learn and grow through these circumstances."

Before last January, I never understood why people would get "saved", why they would give up sleep and waste their Sunday mornings in church showing off their clothes and gossiping. Our struggle with infertility made my hatred even worse. I would never think in a million years that the tables would turn and I would be a Jesus freak. Believe me, I am the last person who would have thought that this would be my life. We have been tested time and time again, and this is probably the reason why.

I know the subject of religion is controversial, but I just wanted to share our story. I just have to remember that I cannot control the outcome of anything, and I have to have faith and trust that our prayers will eventually be answered.

Infertility sucks, but I'm grateful that it brought me to God, a new outlook in life, faith, and saved our marriage. Andy and I have gained a powerful coping mechanism that gives us hope when we're at our weakest.

We "allowed God access to our lives. He will take it and make it something wonderful. He will make us happier than we could ever imagine."

I certainly hope so! ;)

Before this river becomes an ocean, before you throw my heart back on the floor...Oh baby, I reconsider my foolish notion. Well, I need someone to hold me but I'll wait for something more. Yes, I've got to have faith. I've got to have faith-a-faith-a-faith-ahhh. 

~George

Thing 1, Thing 2, and Cindy Lou Who

It's time to hop back on the Scream Machine again...our ride on the IVF roller coaster is back in full effect!

Before I get started, I know that several of you who read this are IRL (in real life) friends/family and that is completely fine. You all have been so supportive of us and we love you all. However, Andy and I have chosen to not make any "public" announcements this time around. This is for our own self preservation. The only people that I work with who know that we are starting another cycle are my nursing manager and whomever chooses to read this blog. That being said, if you are reading this please DO NOT bring it up to me or anyone else at work. If this actually works, I do not want the entire world knowing until we confirm that it is absolutely viable....which probably means when I push an actual live baby out of my woohoo. I haven't completely decided, but there will probably be no Facebook posts if it does work. I don't even want baby showers because they give me panic attacks. All we want are lots of prayers and a healthy baby in 9 months. Thanks for understanding.

I never thought that I would be so excited to have Aunt Flow visit...of course she was a day late and I had one of those !!!What if this is a miracle!!! moments, but for the 58,391,922,896th month in a row she knocked on my cervical door. Her love never fails.

We received our tentative schedule, and the timeframe was wayyyy different than what I had speculated. I started my BCP yesterday, and will be adding the dreaded Lupron injections to the mix around 3/9. I have to drive to Charleston the first of March to have my saline sonohystogram performed, mock transfer, and full blood work panel on both Andy and myself. It is at that time we can apply for the Shared Risk Program, and if accepted, we will purchase a package that includes three fresh donor cycles, and three frozen donor cycles. If it doesn't work after all six cycles, we get a 100% refund. Which means that we would have the funds to "just adopt".

Please pray that we get accepted into the program! I don't know what we would do if they turn us down...I don't think I could stomach gambling that much money for one try and no refunds. Our coordinator said that as long as my uterus is pretty, we shouldn't have a problem. My lining has always been around 11-12mm (which is f'awesome) so hopefully we'll be good to go.

Around 3/19 I will begin Estrogen support. Since we are doing a split cycle, our nurse (Sam-I-Am, RN) is trying to coordinate myself (Thing One), the other girl's (Thing Two), and the donor's (Cindy Lou Who) cycles. That woman was blessed with the gift of strategy...and I am obsessed with Dr. Seuss, so I'm going to nickname everyone to make this process easier.

While I'm at it, I'll call our fertility doc Dr. Seuss. Bless.

Once she gets mine and Thing Two's uterus thick and pretty, we will just basically hang out and marinate on Lupron/Estrogen while Cindy Lou Who does all of the dirty work! I will just have to go in every other week to have my lining checked. I can't tell you how relieved I am to not have to go through the whole stimulation process. It was a bloated horrid mess! Cindy Lou Who will stimulate and then have the egg retrieval once her follicles are mature. We will then split the eggs with Thing 2, and our share will be fertilized with Andy's sperm. We will transfer the embryos three to five days after retrieval, depending on how they are dividing.

According to our calendar, retrieval will be on or around April 13th, and the transfer will take place around April 16th-18th!!! That is, if everything goes as planned. Much earlier than we expected. Now that I think about it, this is exactly 6 years after I came off of birth control to start trying. Crazy.

Anyway, this timing should work out well because our 10 year anniversary is May 19th and we requested that week off work. If it works, then we'll have an entire week off work to be extremely happy. If it doesn't work, then we'll have an entire week off work to go on a road trip and drink insane amounts of alcohol.

So, let's play the glass is half full. If it works this time, then I will be due right after Christmas! How awesome would that be? I've always wanted a Christmas baby, so maybe it will finally come true. Six years of hell for one awesome Christmas would be the ultimate blessing.

Now, I will introduce the characters in our little daytime drama...I have to do this or else I will go crazy having to describe I-You-He-She-It-We-They in all of my blog posts. This makes it fun...and easier!

Our Nurse, Sam-I-Am, carrying our Green Eggs and Ham.

In reality, she's a girl, so just imagine Sam with a little less facial hair.

Andy and Jessica, Thing 1

The Other Couple, Thing 2

Our Infertility Doctor, Dr. Seuss. 

Hmmm. He's not as creepy looking in real life.

And our angel, Cindy Lou Who.

Hopefully she will help to bring us our Christmas miracle!

*Disclaimer for the crazies: All of the above images, names, characters, and references were created by Dr. Seuss and obtained from the internet. I am not taking credit for them, only keeping his legacy alive. This blog post is based on true events, however, has been fictionalized and all persons appearing in this post are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. And if you want to sue me, please consult with my infertility doctor because he has all of my money. So there.

Humpty Dumpty

 The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it. ~ Arnold Glasgow

This morning, I finally had a break from work to leave a message with my donor coordinator to call me back. I made sure that I mentioned the fact that I had emailed her in December and never heard back, so I wanted to touch base and make sure that everything was still on track. Her voice mail said that she would be out of the office today, but what do ya know...she returned my call. Right when I was in the middle of taking care of one of my own patients. Awesome.

The reason I have not heard back from her yet was because we are doing a split cycle and she was waiting for another couple to pick our donor. A courtesy email to let me know this would have been nice, but whatevs. I guess I called at the right time because another couple just chose our first pick yesterday! Score!!!

She said that the next step is for our Donor to come in over the next few weeks and have her final screenings done for cystic fibrosis, etc. Our nurse will be notifying our Donor so that these appointments can be set up.

She wants me to call when I start my next period. At that time, I will start my testing/sonograms and she will start coordinating my cycle with the Donor's cycle and the other couple's cycle. The entire cycle should take around 3 months once we get started. Since I was busy at work, I didn't get a chance to ask her any specifics. I'm assuming that if all goes well, a tentative transfer will happen around May/June of this year. Right around our 10 year anniversary. This could turn out to be the best or worst anniversary we've ever had. Gulp.

I'm so excited...and scared to death. I'm having flashbacks of all the negativity that came along with my other IVF cycles. I just wish I could be normal and not have to plan my life around something that the majority gets hassle free! I'm trying not to be stressed out, but this is the last possible chance I have at carrying a child on my own. We have too much invested in this to remain calm and collected.

Maybe if she gave me some boiled eggs I would have a little bounce if I fell off that wall. Hard boiled.

Even Stick People Can Get Pregnant

I don't know why, but this cartoon literally makes me laugh-out-loud.


However, I got behind every infertile's pet peeve the other day...

Really? Not funny.

I think that all of these stick people just need to get fixed.

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

I haven't done this in awhile, so I thought that I would get everyone's day off to a kickstart with a good old fashioned beaver paddle.

It's been over a week, and our donor coordinator has yet to respond to my email. I was perfectly content to play the waiting game until around April. Now that we've submitted our choices a heck of a lot earlier than we ever expected to, I'm starting to get stressed! I figured that an email would be easier than having to call and drill her with a million questions. I think that I've paid them enough money to at least give me the courtesy of replying to my email, so I guess I'm going to have to get down to business and resort to being one of "those patients". 

I think she made an achy-breaky-bad-mistakey.

Baby Mama

One year ago yesterday, we were saying goodbye to our little Giblet and I wrote this post. Guess what we were doing last night...exactly one year later.

Picking out our Baby Mama!!!!

Shut up you say? No joke. It's the real deal and we're almost ready to get this ball rolling!

On Tuesday, I received an email from the donor coordinator at our clinic. Attached was a link and assigned password to the website that houses their donor pool. Our directions were to review the available profiles and submit our top three picks. Each donor profile included a picture of them as a baby, their height, weight, hair/eye color, body type, family profile, genetic history, sexual history...and so much more. Basically, anything that I would want to ask someone about their life or family was on their profile. It was extremely detailed.

We were so confused because we thought that we would just get "a call" to let us know that we had been matched. I guess that we'll just have to learn how this all works along the way. I have emailed the coordinator to ask her what steps are next and an approximate timeline. She hasn't responded yet, so I will post that as soon as I hear. I know that she went over everything in detail during our appointment, but...come on. We had just been told that we had ovarian failure, craptastic eggs, and shitastic sperm. That day was a blur to say the least.

We have chosen to do what is called a split donor cycle. This means that the donor will split all of the eggs she produces and they will be divided equally between us and another couple. It is a heck of a lot cheaper, but has its setbacks. This is where it gets confusing. One couple is assigned primary recipient, while the other is the secondary. If the donor only produces, say, 5 eggs, then the secondary is dropped and all of the cycle goes to the primary. To make a long story short...the secondary could be on lupron/medicines for 3 months waiting for the donor to complete an IVF cycle, and then...zip, zero, zilch. All of that for nothing.

Soooo, of course we spent all Tuesday and Wednesday nights reviewing profiles and laying out the pros/cons of each girl. The only girls they gave us access to were the split cycle donors. There were only about 15 girls to choose from. To top it all off, most of the girls already had a primary couple assigned...meaning that we would have to sign on as secondary. None of the girls really stood out to the point of where we just said...she's the one. We've said all along that we'd like to have someone that somewhat resembles me, but it's not the end of the world if that doesn't happen. I'm 5'8" with black hair and dark brown eyes, and we were about to submit our top pick as a 5'2" blond hair, blue eyed, 105 pounder homecoming queen. And then the craziest thing happened.

I just knew it was God hooking us up.

Three more profiles magically appeared on our screen. I'm assuming they were adding new donors while we were logged on. Our eyes were instantly drawn to a picture of a little toddler on the beach. Huge smile, black hair, dark brown eyes. Her picture eerily resembled me when I was a baby. We clicked on her profile, and she was PERFECT. Her father is even French Canadian like my grandmother who just passed away. As an added plus, she has excellent teeth. If you read my previous post, then you'll understand my tooth fetish. Most importantly, she has done egg donor before. AND she didn't have a primary listed yet, so technically we would be first pick! It didn't show her outcome, so I'm going to ask our coordinator about that. I'm assuming that they wouldn't have let her back in the pool if she had negative results.

Honestly, I don't know what happens next. For all I know, we could start the cycle this month as opposed to April. I'm hoping that this means we get our first pick. As soon as I talk to our nurse, I will have more answers! If you've been reading our blog, then you know what kind of luck Andy and I have. We are trying very hard to be optimistic about the good karma we've had lately. In the end, it will all work out perfectly according to God's plan!

Please check out my sister's NEW BLOG! Yay! I love having new blogs to read...and she is a hoot. She's moving from Georgia to Chicago and I'm going to miss her so much:( Please head over and give her the same awesome support you all have shown me this past year!!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas/Holiday! Please pray for us!

Spirit of Christmas Past, Present, and Future

Hmmm. Since I've been MIA for almost TWO MONTHS, I have a head jumbled full of things to write about. Gosh, I hope that I still have some readers left. I've been trying to keep up with everyone's blogs, but it's been crazy around here as usual. My apologies. This post may be all over the place!

We finally mailed in our egg donor application! Actually, we mailed it right after my last post... almost two months ago. k. We figured that we would be more productive with getting everything in line knowing that our doctor could call us at any minute with a match. At our office, they have their own pool of donors and the waiting list to get matched is currently 5-6 months. So, we are basically standing in line with a bunch of other couples ahead of us. We could use an outside agency to make the process go faster, but that comes with a pretty hefty pricetag. We would have to pay the outside agency, travel expenses for the donor, plus pay our doctor.

And that ain't happenin'.

Soooooo.....for the past two months we have done several things to help prepare for "the call". Our nurse said that as soon as we get matched, the ball starts rolling pretty fast. We have to be ready to strike a check and get the cycle going in full force.

I present to you...our baby preparation. Bulleted.

• Refinanced the house. Finally. I threatened to abduct my banker's children and he was on it.
• Sold Andy's car (this past summer).
• Cashed out life insurance policies. As of now, there are no children to get the money anyway.
• Cashed out one 401k account. Hey, prevents taking out another loan. Otherwise, we will get the money when if we retire and have to turn around and pay off our B.S. infertility debt anyway. The penalty will be a heck of a lot less than the years of interest we'll pay on another loan.
• Had two years left to pay on my car, so we just went ahead and paid that off. This way, we free up a car payment to have more wiggle room when we buy Andy another car.
• Disconnected the home phone/internet. Replaced with cheap, unsecured internet. Awesome.
• Cut off cable and replaced with cheaper satellite. Double awesome.
• Canceled my crappy health insurance policy and added myself to Andy's policy.

After we combine all of this with our failed IVF refund and what my parents took out for us, we should be good to go. Since we have the best luck ever, if donor doesn't work out we will need this money to "just adopt".


Now, a bulleted list of what I wish I was doing with this money:

• Go on our 10 year anniversary trip next year. Happy Anniversary.
• Buy Christmas presents for our family. Merry Christmas.
• Take our child to get Christmas portraits made and send out cute little cards. Oh wait. Hello another childless Christmas.
• Pay for our child's education. Hello scholarships. 
• Have the money to raise our children. Hello welfare.
• Retire. Hello work until I'm found dead in the nurse's station.

Now, a bulleted list of what Andy wishes he could do with this money...he really compiled this for me:

• "Buy Jessica a nice diamond ring." Hello rock.
• "Buy myself a nice watch." Hello bling bling timepiece.
• "Go on a month-long cruise through the Mediterranean." Hello babies that we can steal and bring back to the U.S.

Other than this ridiculousness, everything is going good. We recently celebrated the first birthdays of both of our nieces. They are growing up so fast! We also spent Thanksgiving in the mountains with Andy's family and had a great visit with lots of awesome food. A couple of weeks ago, my blog buddy from Arizona came to visit! Her husband will be stationed here in Augusta for the next 5 months, so we showed him around town and got him settled in.

If I can just make it through the end of the year, I will be good. Maybe. This time of year is always centered around children, and it's getting more and more difficult to keep the Christmas spirit. I was pregnant and happier than I've ever been this time last year. I finally felt blessed and complete. I had something in common with most of the women on this Earth. Grrr. Whatever. I'll just sit back and drink smile while all of the cute little families do their thing. And do I even need to bring up Facebook posts this time of year? Pour me another.

At least I can drink unhealthy amounts of alcohol this Christmas.

Bah humbug.

The Perfect Dozen

So, Andy and I have been trying to fill out our egg donor application which is turning into an Olympic feat to say the least. Along with listing our own characteristics, we are having to tell them about our personality, temperament, hobbies, religion, ethnic background, etc.

The most important part is that we have to come up with two separate lists of characteristics that we require and desire in a donor. If you know us in real life, you could probably guess that this was very entertaining to us. Hey, this ridiculousness has been going on for nearly 6 years, so we have to find the humor in it. 

My intention is not to offend anybody by this post, nor be greedy and try to design the ideal child. When it comes down to it, we just want to be parents. However, you have to understand that this is the only child that Andy and I are going to have, and we are trying to request quantifiable traits that most closely resemble myself. People love to play the "Who does the child look like" game, and it's probably going to be *secretly* uncomfortable enough when someone tells me that our child has my eyes or nose, or looks nothing like me. I am not saying that it is all about looks. Please think of what you would want if you happened to be in our shoes. Genetics is a complete toss-up, so I'm happy that our child will at least be half Andy's. I will love our child regardless...but I have to be completely honest that a little piece of me is still hurting because I will not be able to carry on my family's genetic line...or my infamous ghetto booty.

Anyway, we were cracking up while creating this list...and we obviously got less serious towards the end. You will probably notice that I have a huge tooth fetish. Andy made me cross off the dental entries because he said that you can control how healthy a child's teeth are going to be by raising them with healthy habits. I disagree. I know for a fact that snaggles are genetic. I can make the child brush and floss, but if he or she only grows 8 permanent healthy teeth, then that's a problem. 

Drum roll....

Let me justify my double-jointed spider monkey toes:

 

And the bow staff...Napoleon Dynamite is my hero. Our kid better be this fly for a white guy:

I don't think the list is too much to ask. Of course, it is evident that several of these will not be on our application. Once we mail it in, we will have to undergo an excessive amount of lab testing, another saline sonogram, another trial transfer, go through counseling and be approved by a psychologist, and then be placed on a waiting list for a donor. Our nurse says that it takes an average of 6 months to be matched. Once matched, the entire cycle will take 3 months. 

We're not even close to mailing the application, so we're not even looking at anything happening until this time next year or later. For this, I would like to give a shout-out to our bank for our refinancing fiasco. I'm about to go postal on them. 

This is when I could really use Napoleon and his bow staff skills. Vote for Pedro.

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

 

(Found on Cafepress.com...this is where I find most of these t-shirts!)

At first I wondered what this shirt was about, but after a little research I discovered that some women have what you call fried egg boobies. I interviewed Andy, and he explained it as less than a handful with a puffy...uhhum. Makes sense. 

I decided to do a little cutting and pasting in order to suit the more baby challenged folk. I think that this would be more fitting:

Fried Egg Ovaries.

Andy's Two Cents

I don't know if any of you have come across this story yet, but the hubby forwarded it to me this evening. It was originally published on Oprah.com back in September. This is a copy of the article that CNN published this morning. I'll go ahead a warn you that he gives a graphic account of his wife's miscarriage. However, it was nice to see a man's take on the subject for a change. The grieving process he described is so true...I could see a lot of our relationship in his recollection. Andy said it made him tear up while reading it, and he thought it would make a good contribution to our blog.

  

A Father's Story: Mourning the Baby We Never Had

I know that some of us get very discouraged because we feel as if the man isn't grieving after a loss occurs. In all reality, it's very difficult for them too...they just use a different outlet to release it. Add infertility to the miscarriage and you have a recipe for social isolation at it's finest.

Mad props to Oprah.com and CNN for raising infertility awareness! Now, if we could just get the insurance companies to listen!

Faith

Well, what do ya know...it seems that God whispers through Amazon. I found this vinyl wall art while perusing the web for deals on flea medications for the furchildren...it just popped right out at me! Isn't it pretty? I now get to look at it every morning when I wake up, and every evening before I go to bed. I'm having an extremely hard time keeping the faith right now, so I hope that it will help me to be a little more positive.

 I know that I have been slacking in the blog department lately. There has been a lot going on our lives, but it's not uterus or sperm related! Lucky us.

My grandmother passed away last week. She has been sick for awhile, but things took a turn for the worst and she just couldn't hang on any longer. She has been a huge supporter with our treatments and I wish that I could have thanked her with a grandchild. We were finally able to put her to rest today because the government run hospital for the military wanted to take their sweet time releasing her death certificate. Such respect. Anyway, she raised an awesome son...my father. The man will literally put everyone and everything before himself in order to help others. I'm so glad that we were able to support him during this time. I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to lose a parent.

No news on the house refinance. We were supposed to close (again) at the end of September, but that f*ed up too. Oh, wait a minute...let me refer to my new Vinyl Wall Art.

Griswold (aka Clark, Sparky, the newest furchild) is growing like a weed. He is only 4 months old and already 34 pounds...ouch! He's very smart...so far he can sit, shake, lay down, high five, roll over, and ring the bell on the back door to let us know he has to go to the bathroom!

Here is my favorite picture of my grandmother and my father when he was a baby...rest in peace Memom!

Here are some recent pics of Griswold...passed out of course!

Griswold and his big sister Ellie May! Such sweet little siblings. Ellie hates him.

"I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell." 

 ~Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song