Third Time's a Charm?

Andy and I have officially picked out our THIRD donor since January. Hopefully this will be the one that "sticks"!

We submitted our choices last night, and were matched today with our first pick. I received an email this morning from my nurse telling us that we are going to be the primary couple for this cycle, yay! I thought that we were going to have to wait another month or so for a secondary couple to sign on, but guess what? Another couple picked her yesterday too! That means we can get started right away!!! I forgot that our clinic guarantees a primary position if you were secondary during the previous cycle...score!

I am to call my nurse when I start my period (my uterus should be exploding any day now) and she will get me started back on those awesome birth control pills. Then comes the Lupron, and you know the rest of the story. The entire process will probably take another 6-8 weeks, pending no delays.

Our donor still has to undergo the new genetic tests that they have added to their protocol, so we are not getting our hopes up yet. Our first donor was dropped after coming back as a carrier for a genetic disorder. I think our guard has officially been placed into the lock position until we actually take a baby home from the hospital. We have faith that it will eventually happen, but we remain somewhat cynical of the entire process in general. There is just too much room for error!

My doctor did call me personally, from his cell phone, to apologize again about our cycle being canceled at retrieval. He reiterated the fact that what happened is a very rare occurrence. I reminded him that everything that has happened to Andy and I has been a rare occurrence. We just roll like that. He urged us to continue to trust in them and they will do everything in their power to give us a successful donor cycle. I really wanted to ask him if he had thought about kicking us out of their clinic because we are ruining their success rates, but I refrained. Haha!

I'm really excited about this donor. According to her profile, she has been a donor once before. This means that they wouldn't have let her back into the program unless she had a good outcome last time. She is married, 5'6", 135 lbs, and about to graduate with honors to become a teacher. Her hobbies include singing, writing, gymnastics, swimming, dance...and she loves football! Sounds like my kind of girl! Our last donor's baby picture looked nothing like me, but this one bears some resemblance to me with brown hair and eyes. She also comes from a mutt background like I do...her mother is Irish, father is French/Italian, and grandmother is Greek/Italian. I would LOVE to post her picture, but since this is an anonymous cycle I'm not allowed to do so. You never know if she or someone who knows her will come across my blog one day.

So, we are about to hop on this Scream Machine for the 7,193,485,793,865,987th time. Thanks again for all of your support and for sticking with us throughout all of this madness...you guys ROCK!

The Shi**y Luck Fairy Has Struck Again

Cycle over.

Our donor went in for her retrieval this morning. Out of the 20+ follicles seen via ultrasound, she only gave up 9 usable eggs. Since we are doing a split cycle and are the secondary couple, all 9 of them went to the primary couple. It is their policy not to split them up if they retrieve less than 10 eggs. F'awesome.

I remember my nurse saying after our last cycle was canceled that taking secondary was no big deal because the secondary gets dropped <5% of the time...well, we should have known that the odds are always against Andy and Jessica!

Andy drove all the way to Charleston this morning to sit in the lobby for an hour and a half before our doctor finally came out to tell him the news. Needless to say, that trip, all of the time off work, all of the medications we've taken for the past 2.5 months, and ultrasounds we've paid for out of pocket were a waste.

The other couple already delayed the cycle by a few weeks because she couldn't ever seem to start her period. We also found out that they are self-pay and didn't have the Shared Risk program like us. This means that they are going to have to strike a check today for double the amount to cover our half of the cycle, which really sucks for them.

On a positive note, since we contracted with the Shared Risk program, this cycle doesn't count against us. We were very close to not doing Shared Risk and taking a leap of faith by paying out of pocket for one cycle. If we would have done that, look at where we'd be now! Out 20 grand because of a canceled cycle and no money to do it again!

So, we have to start from scratch. Again. If we ever make it to a freaking transfer I'll be shocked! I've been giving myself injections and taking meds for almost 2.5 months now...forrrrr nothing. I am to stop all medications today, start my period sometime next week, and our nurse will be emailing us another password to pick another donor and start this process all over again.

We're definitely picking primary couple this time around. Because of that, we will have to wait until another couple picks the same donor as secondary. Then go through another round of genetic testing. Then medicines and ultrasounds again for another three months.

We are going to start planning a trip for our 10 year anniversary that is coming up in two weeks! Yippee! We have decided that we are going to go to Chicago to visit my little sister who just moved up there. We were not sure that we'd be able to go because of the cycle, but I guess now we can!

We're going to spend the remainder of our weekend taking naps and drinking. Thank you all for your support, and I'm sorry to have let you all down. Ahh the joys of the infertility roller coaster.

We will keep the Faith that it will eventually be our turn!

STOP! Triggertime.

It's official! Cindy Lou Who will be triggering tonight and her retrieval will be on Saturday morning!!! Woot Woot! Everything looks perfect and we are so blessed that this went as smoothly as it did. Now we are praying that her retrieval and postop goes well and that our half of the eggs fertilize normally!

Andy has to be in Charleston at 10 am Saturday morning to give up some baby batter. Just to be safe, they will perform ICSI since we have had a problem with his count and the sperm penetrating the eggs in the past. Our embryologist will call us early Sunday morning to give us a fertilization report and schedule a tentative 3 day transfer on Tuesday. If it looks as if our embryos are strong come Tuesday, they will stretch it out to a 5 day transfer when they are in the blastocyst stage (we have never made it to a 5DT with our previous IVF's).

My last Lupron injection is tomorrow morning...sweet. I've been giving myself those darn things for almost two months now. My belly needs a break man! Andy will start giving me the PIO butt injections on Saturday and we will continue that 2x daily with the estrogen 3x daily up until the day of transfer. I will then switch to a PIO injection every morning, and a Prometrium suppository every evening. I am having to do all of this artificially because my body will not do it on its own since they have shut my system down to prevent me from ovulating/starting my period. All of these hormones are needed to support a pregnancy until the placenta is able to do it on its own at around 9 weeks of pregnancy.

Complicated. Ridiculousness.

I just wish that I could meet this girl and give her a huge hug. She will never know how thankful we are for being so selfless and putting her life on hold for us. I mean seriously...she has a husband and toddler at home and her ovaries are about to spontaneously combust because she wants to help a complete stranger have a baby. We are forever grateful for Cindy Lou Who!

We also want to thank you for all of the thoughts and prayers in the previous posts. Not only do you guys ROCK, you are our ROCK. We appreciate all of your love and support through all of this. I must say that I definitely found out who my true friends are, once again, while going through all of this!


I titled this post Triggertime, and now I can't get It's Hammertime out of my head. Let me pay homage to my main man M.C. whilst I'm at it.

I even owned and proudly sported a pair of neon splatter-painted hammer pants to school in 5th grade. Can't touch this. That is all.

She's Almost There!

Stimulation Day 10

We have about 20 follicles on today's ultrasound! She is doing much better than I ever did...geez. I was told that there were quite a few more, but they were smaller than the others. Keep in mind that we're going for quality vs. quantity. She could spit out 50 eggs, but that doesn't mean that they will all be mature. We won't know until the actual retrieval, but at least this gives us a good idea!

Our nurse is 99% sure that the retrieval will take place on Saturday 4/30/11. Our donor has another ultrasound/labs tomorrow to confirm this. My nurse will call me tomorrow afternoon with medication instructions and an appointment for Andy in Charleston to give a babyfish sample. I will have to start progesterone-in-oil (PIO) injections soon, so I'm getting the heating pad warmed up for those. Andy will basically be injecting my butt cheek with molasses twice daily...awesomeballs! Please pray for my butt...and for Andy to have a steady hand! I think that I will be stopping the Lupron injections this weekend too...thank goodness. Menopause ain't no joke.

Time to get the bags packed for a roadtrip to Charleston! So excited! After six redonkulous years, we may actually have a good chance at becoming mommy and daddy soon!

Egg Hunting

Stimulation Day 8

Our donor had her first ultrasound this morning! So far, everything looks great! She is responding to the stimulation meds and her labs are within normal limits. My nurse told me that she has about 12 follicles that are >12mm and a bunch more that are <12 mm. She said that this was a very good number for the first ultrasound. If I recall correctly, I had about 4 follicles with IVF #1 and 8 follicles with IVF #2 at my first ultrasounds. Work it little 23 year old girl...popowww! Of course, the final number will be split between us and another couple, but I'll be happy with whatever! Thank God for the shared-risk program!

Normally, the follicles mature around 22ish mm, and then she will receive her trigger (HCG) injection. The trigger injection is one of the most critical parts of the cycle. It induces the final maturation of the eggs, loosens the egg's attachment from the follicle wall, and allows for timing of the egg retrieval. It basically prepares her body for ovulation. However, my doctor will manually ovulate her before her body does the deed itself. She will have the retrieval exactly 36 hours after she gives herself the trigger.

Her next ultrasound is scheduled for Wednesday, and I will receive an update that afternoon! As of now, she suspects that the retrieval will occur Friday or Saturday, but we won't know for sure until Wednesday. Andy will have to drive down to Charleston on the day of the retrieval to watch porn in their lab so that he can provide a sample. I don't know why he needs porn...all he has to do is think about me. In those stirrups. In my tube socks. Haha.

Oh, the life of an infertile couple.

So my transfer could take place anywhere from next Monday 5/2 through Thursday 5/5. Which means I may have to ask for another last minute day off work, but whatever! Priorities! We will probably head down to Charleston Sunday night to just wait it out next week. Hopefully we'll get a good fertilization report so that we're not on pins and needles the entire time we are there.

Andy got me this cool piece of chocolate for Easter. If you look closely it has an awesome Faith verse:

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)

I just love a good Faith verse. It is so very true and I'm trying to keep that mindset through all of this! My awesome mom also cooked Easter dinner last night. I chowed down on some homemade fried chicken, butter beans, mashed potatoes, and cheddar-garlic biscuits. For dessert we had a delish egg shaped cheesecake/mousse dessert from Jrs Cheesecake...it was fantabulous! It was just Andy, myself, and my parents. My youngest sister moved to Chicago last week, and my other sister lives about 2 hours away with her husband and child. My little brother was out of town. It was kind of depressing, but Skype came to the rescue. How can something so awesome be free??

For those who celebrate Easter, I hope that you had a wonderful day!

My Baby Momma

If everything goes as planned, our donor will start stimulating tomorrow! Shwing! She should stimulate for about 12 days and her tentative retrieval date is set for April 30. It is at that time when we will get half of however many eggs are retrieved and they will be fertilized with Andy's sperm via ICSI. The other half will go to the couple we are splitting the cycle with. The embryos should divide and grow over the course of 3-5 days, then two of the best ones will be transferred to my uterus on either May 3 or May 5. If any embryos survive 5 days past fertilization they can be frozen for future use.

The donor will have to go to our clinic every 2-3 days during the stimulation phase so that they can check her follicle count, size, and hormone levels. They will adjust her medications as needed, and when the follicles reach a certain size she will give herself a HCG trigger injection and go in for the retrieval ~48 hours later. I am so glad that I don't have to do this again!!! The only thing that scares me is the loss of control over everything. Having to depend on her to do the medications correctly and at the right times is bringing out the OCD in me. I find myself wondering, is she taking care of herself? Did she forget to do her injection this morning? I am going to have to set all of these fears aside and put it all in God's hands!

She is supposed to have a baseline ultrasound tomorrow, and they will give her the go-ahead to begin stims if all is well. My nurse should call me with updates after each ultrasound to give me reports. This is REAL y'all! So excited!

In case anyone is interested, I found this cool video that explains all of the aspects of an IVF retrieval/transfer. It even shows how they do ICSI and assisted hatching. It's long, but pretty cool! So, if any of my lingo is confusing you...refer to this video! Again, thank you all for your support. I will be in touch:)

April Fools! Sike.

I should have wrote this post the day it happened...April Fools Day. I've been so incredibly busy. I started my own photography business earlier this year (outside of my career as a nurse) and I'm loving every minute of it! I will save that for another post!

Anyway, my nurse called me on 4/1 to inform me that the other couple in our split donor cycle has not started their period yet.

Blink. Blink.

Wha...wha...what??? For once my body is cooperating perfectly, and the other couple is screwing everything up! To put things into perspective, she should have started her period with me back on 3/20. Marvelous. Sooo, the only information given to me was that she was symptomatic and should be starting soon. First question..."Is the heffa pregnant?" Answer...No.

The donor and I have been placed in a "holding pattern" until the little miss catches up with us. The donor will now start stims on 4/18 instead of 4/4, and her retrieval will now be 4/30 instead of 4/16. Just another little annoying bump in the road.

I did have another ultrasound on 4/4 which revealed a perfect uterus with a nice plump lining of 11.2mm, and no cysts! I will continue Lupron injections everyday, and I am up to two estrogen tablets three times daily. I was concerned that feeding my lining for another month would make it start growing out of my vajayjay, but she assured me that they have it under control and that my uterus will be just fine.

Now for a little venting session. I really really wanted to keep this cycle a secret from the majority for our own self preservation. It is just too emotionally draining to explain all of this complicated nonsense to everyone. However, a disgruntled, emotionally abusive, and hostile a$$wipe that I work with has caused some commotion at work because some of us "take advantage of our boss" and "come and go as we please". This all starting occurring when I "snuck" in late after one of my morning doctor appointments. Now, my boss has been moved to another office and I have to start all over and explain why I need spur of the moment days off to my new boss. It may not seem like a big deal, but thinking about having to go tell her is about to give me a panic attack and that is the last thing I need right now. Legally, I know that all I have to tell her is that it's medical and then I wouldn't have to give any further information.

But seriously? Scenario: Imagine having to go to someone you barely know and tell them that you need off, but you don't know when. Or for how long. You can't tell them why you need off, and if it's a day when someone else is already off you have to have off as well because it's not an option. Then they have to find someone to work in your place at the very last minute. But nobody knows why. If they can't find a fill-in, then they are shorthanded and have a crazy day. After awhile, people start talking, wondering, getting pissed off, and starting rumors. Then you have to go back to work and act like nothing is going on. It's starting to become more stressful to lie about it than it would be to just be honest with people. I just wish that the disgruntled "It" who caused this unnecessary stress would go elsewhere. I mean, why work somewhere when you absolutely hate your job and just show up to slam and throw things around all day, verbally abuse your coworkers, and make everyone else miserable? Negative people are so toxic to the environment. Grrrr.

And now, I leave you on a more joyful note...a glimpse into the life of Andy and Jessica. Here are a couple of pictures taken by Andy while goofing off in the exam room. One time he even got away with a disposable speculum. I can't take him anywhere.  

Warning: If you are easily offended, don't go any further. Heck, for that matter, you probably shouldn't read my blog at all! ;) 

I'm so classy.

Meet Mr. Dildo Cam...an infertile's sugar daddy. I've been out on about 5937492863476 dates with him! At about $300 bucks a pop, I should be his sugar mama!

I also want to give a HUGE CONGRATS to my blog friend Melissa who just found out she is preggo after her 1st IVF cycle!!! I met her when I first started blogging, so we have shared a good portion of this journey together. Out of all of my original blog friends, she and I were the only ones still hanging. She has been incredibly supportive and I can't think of anyone more deserving of this! Please check out her blog, Banking On It...she's an awesome writer:)

Uterus. Check. Estrogen. Check Check.

I saw my local doctor yesterday for an ultrasound and labs, and everything came back great! My uterus is perfect (lining has shedded), no cysts on the ovaries, and my estrogen has bottomed out! I'm on Day 4 of my cycle and started taking oral Estradiol today. They have completely shut down my ovarian function with the Lupron injections, and now they are manipulating my cycle as my own body would do. This way, they have complete control over all of my hormones!

I will escalate the Estrogen dose weekly. Right now I'm on one every morning and one every night. After a few weeks, I will have titrated it up to two tablets three times daily. Around transfer time, I will begin the Progesterone in oil injections twice daily, as well as progesterone vajayjay suppositories. I will stay on Lupron injections every morning from here on out to keep my ovaries asleep. Andy is taking ten days worth of doxycycline (an antibiotic) to make sure he doesn't have any infections that will affect his sperm when it's time to take them...this is standard protocol. I will also have to take it around the time of transfer.

I'm seriously not stressing at all...yet. I have a different set of medications to keep up with, but I can't tell you how happy I am that I don't have to stimulate myself this time. Been there, done that, and don't ever want to do it again...it's torture!

My next ultrasound and lab work is 4/4. That is around the time our donor will begin stimulating. So excited!!!

Please don't forget that we are keeping this cycle hush hush to everyone but select members of our family, and those that are sweet enough to continue reading our blog. I haven't told anyone at work except my boss, but I suspect that some people are starting to figure out what is going on with my comings and goings and phone calls from my doctor everyday. That is fine, but I just don't want to have to explain everything to everyone..everyday. As much as we appreciate the support, it is so very hard to manage everyone else's emotions on top of trying to deal with this ourselves. Plus, if it does work, we do not want to tell anyone until we are absolutely sure it is viable. This probably means when I carry a baby home from the hospital. Thanks for understanding...and for everyone's support!

It's A Go!

Sorry I haven't updated lately...it's been really busy around here! I'm doing this from my phone, so forgive me if there are any typos.

First off, we were approved for the Shared Risk program! We had some issues with our first contract and the total was almost twice what we were quoted last year. Awesome. The only thing that was covered was the egg retrieval and transfer. Everything else was out of pocket...donor compensation, labs, ultrasounds, etc. So, we we're just about to take a leap of faith and pay for a cycle without the chance of getting a refund if it didn't work. Our financial rep had to call the company and they wrote up another contract that included everything but my monitoring. The fee was still a lot more, but we went ahead and agreed to it. We just couldn't stomach taking the chance and having absolutely no money refunded if this doesn't work. It's a nauseating amount of money! We get 3 fresh donor IVF cycles, and unlimited FET cycles. 100% of our money is refunded if we don't take a live baby home from the hospital after all of the cycles are used up.

I started Lupron injections yesterday and will do so until the transfer which is scheduled around 4/19. I will start estrogen sometime in the next month, and will do progesterone suppositories and progesterone in oil injections after the transfer. From what I've heard, those are hell! It's like injecting molasses into your butt cheek...twice a day for 12 weeks. k.

So far so good! My next appointment for labs and an ultrasound is 3/23. I have to go back to the dreaded Augusta doctor whom is a pompous arse, but I'd rather not have to drive to Charleston all of the time while trying to work.

Please pray! :)



Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Let's Get This Party Started...Once Again

I just wanted to do a quick update because it's my birthday and I'm going to enjoy the rest of the evening! :)

We were able to get into the system and chose another donor last Thursday night. Our second choice from the first time was still available. However, another girl caught our eye and we picked her instead. She doesn't look a thing like me, but she already has one child, so we know that she definitely has some eggs in there! We are the secondary couple this time, instead of primary. This means that there is a chance we could get dropped from the cycle if the donor doesn't produce a lot of eggs, but our nurse said this only happens <5% of the time.

All we know is that she's 5'3" with light brown hair and blue eyes. She has good vision/hearing and didn't have a significant personal/family history of issues which is good. We still have to wait for the genetic testing again, but hopefully the last incident was a rare occasion and we won't have to deal with that again!

We went to Charleston this past weekend and saw our doctor on Monday morning. I had a sonohystogram performed which looks for abnormalities in my uterus such as polyps, fibroids, abnormal lining, etc. From what I understand, the uterus is like a deflated balloon. The walls are collapsed onto each other, and it's hard to see the lining with a regular ultrasound. They prepped me like a pap smear, and inserted a catheter into my uterus. They then injected saline into my uterus to inflate it like a balloon and then did the abominable dildo cam to look for any abnormalities. Good news is that it came back A++++++++!!! I'm so proud of my uterus. If only God would have given me perfect eggs to match.

They were also able to submit my Shared-Risk Program application to see if we are eligible for the 100% refund program...we should hear an answer soon! They are predicting a yes since all of our tests are perfect!

We briefly spoke with our doctor about the recent events. Apparently I was wrong in my assumption about the genetic testing and why our first donor was disqualified. He explained to us that she had donated eggs through their program before. It is regular practice that they do test the donors before allowing them in the active pool. However, they just added a new panel of tests that they previously did not screen for. She just happened to come back positive for one of them which they were told only happened 4% of the time. However, they are finding that their donors are coming back positive carriers about 28% of the time. The girls are completely healthy, but just happen to be a carrier of some disorders. So again, hopefully we won't have to go through this again. If so, then they would probably just test Andy and if he's not a carrier too, then we're in the clear. Genetics confuses the heck out of me, so this is the best I can explain it.

More good news...we received our updated schedule from our nurse on Tuesday! It really surprised me because we are pretty much on the same time frame...pending no problems! I am prepared for interruptions though...they are inevitable with IVF. I've been on birth control since February and will start Lupron injections the week after next, and will still be going for ultrasounds/lab work throughout the months of March/April. I will start estrogen towards the end of this month. The donor's retrieval is around 4/16, depending on how she stimulates, and then our transfer will be around 4/19-4/21.

So overwhelming and exciting. Again, thank you all for your sweet comments and prayers. Please keep them coming...we need all we can get!

Also, please if you know me in real life do not make any "public" announcements that we are going through this again. We've decided to keep it on the DL as much as we can until something positive comes out of this 6 year ridiculousness. Please refer to my previous post for a better explanation. We thank you for understanding! Love you all:)

Welp, Cycle Canceled. k.

Welp, found out today that this cycle has been canceled because our Donor came back as a carrier for one of the genetic diseases they screen for. Therefore, this disqualifies her from being an egg donor.

My first question...why did they let her in the pool without testing her first?? Welp, all of the genetic testing is expensive (out of our pockets) and they don't run those tests until the donor is picked. It would be a waste of money for our clinic to pay out of pocket for all of the genetic testing when there is a chance a lot of the donors never get picked.

The only information she gave me was that it would most likely affect my child if it was a boy. I'm guessing she was probably a carrier for Hemophilia or Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy because those are the most common x-linked recessive disorders.

My nurse was as bummed as I was...however, I'm glad that they are so strict with screening and caught it. So, cute little girl that looked exactly like me as a baby is out of this ball game!

She said gave us a new password to log on to the donor pool again so that we can pick another. I am to stay on the pill so she can keep control of my cycle. I'm still keeping my appointment in Charleston on Monday to have all of our testing done (sonohystogram/labs/consents).  If we pick another Primary position, then we have to wait for another girl to pick that donor too. If we pick a Secondary, then we can keep the same momentum and hopefully stay on track. It would throw the dates off a little bit by having to test a new girl and get cycles synced, but shouldn't make too big of a difference. Our nurse said that if she's not mistaken, our second pick is still waiting on a secondary. That would make it easier just to go in and submit her as our first.

The problem with going Secondary is that we could be dropped if she doesn't produce enough and the Primary would get all of the eggs. I asked her about this and she said that she only sees Secondaries get dropped about 5% of the time.

As Andy and Jessica luck would have it, we went to log on and the site keeps telling me that our username and password are invalid. My clinic is closed. So, I'm writing this blog post instead of combing through donors. I guess I will have to call her first thing in the morning to get it straightened out.

I'm not upset....we didn't even expect to do this until May-June anyway. We have been waiting 6 years, so what's another month anyway?!? Delays and the waiting game are what define infertility treatments and I'm all too familiar with that. The only thing it messes up is the time I already submitted off work, and that it might interfere with other coworker's vacation time. I can't worry about that though. This is my priority and I need to stop putting my life on hold for work!

Welp, I'm trusting in God and keeping the Faith that it will all work out in the end. It has to! It's just a little bump in the road. Our Christmas miracle will just have to be a Valentine's miracle! Or maybe a St. Patty's Day miracle. I could give birth and then drink some green beer. Fawesome.

You Gotta Have Faith-a-Faith-a-Faith-ahhhh

Okay, so I have to drop the comedy act and get all serious on y'all...but just this once. I might even throw in a surprise T-Shirt Tuesday to cheery up your day!

I received the following letter from a close friend of mine and wanted to share it with you all. She found these words of inspiration in a book that she is currently reading, and thought that it would give me hope. She was right...it gave me chills and gave me some perspective as to why Andy and I have come to this particular crossroad in our relationship. This excerpt not only applies to infertility, but to many issues in life that someone may face. Thank you, sweet friend, for your comforting words and support!

Why did God allow this to happen to me?

There comes a time in your life when you have to take a step out in faith and really believe that God has a plan for your life. Everyone you know and everything that happens is God's hand trying to bring you closer to him.

Take a step further, you need to believe that God's plan will make you happy. This may seem contradictory to your current situation, but remember, things are not always what they seem. You are in the thick of the situation. You are filled with anger, resentment, grief...but God knows your pain! He knows what you are going through, he is aware of what is happening in your life, and he is trying to help you learn and grow through these circumstances. It may seem like a jumbled mess now, but if you allow God access to your life, he will take it and make it something wonderful. He will make you happier than you could ever imagine.

In addition to being present in your life, God has a plan. It takes hope for the future to survive >>insert problem here<< and hope is possible, even on the darkest of nights. 

It also takes Faith. Trust in God.

"I know you are suffering. I love you, and now I want to show you the way through your suffering into happiness." Christ says. 

While you may not have a clue as to what God has planned for you in the future, you can be rest assured that it is going to be better than you can imagine.

Now, I don't want to turn this into a Bible study, but this really made my heart happy. I've never really told a lot of people this, but Andy and I have been together 13 years and never had a relationship with God until recently. As a matter of fact, the only time we've stepped foot in a church together was our wedding (in a chapel, if that's even considered church), and for special events. I was raised Catholic, but several issues turned me away from the church during my high school years.

It was infertility that brought us to God in January of last year right after we lost our baby. We saw a video sermon online from the church we go to now, and in it was a couple they interviewed about their recent stillbirth. They inspired me because even though they just lost their baby at full term, they believed that there was a reason for it and they still had FAITH. Sure, they were extremely upset...but they didn't hate God. They knew that God needed their baby for a special reason, and would leave them with a gift of peace unlike any kind that the world can give. Sure enough, she was pregnant again a few months later and were blessed with a healthy baby this past Christmas.

We may never know God's reasoning in taking their baby, but they remained patient, kept their faith, and because of this, they were blessed in the end. They never gave up on God or rebelled against Him.

Now, the freaky part of this story is that the father in this story had been popping up in my life at random times in the last few years. He is a pastor at our new church and when I ran into him, he would always ask me if we had a church. It's just weird to me how all of these events just fell into place. What brought me to that church's website, and what brought me to that particular sermon about "Loss" right when I had my own miscarriage?

Was it God's plan to put us through infertility hell to bring Andy and I to Him? It certainly seems so. Had we gotten pregnant the first month of trying, we may have never stepped foot in a church. And if we hadn't stepped foot in our church last January, there's a good chance we would be divorced right now. We were on the verge of hating life and hating each other.

As quoted above, "Everyone you know and everything that happens is God's hand trying to bring you closer to him....He is trying to help you learn and grow through these circumstances."

Before last January, I never understood why people would get "saved", why they would give up sleep and waste their Sunday mornings in church showing off their clothes and gossiping. Our struggle with infertility made my hatred even worse. I would never think in a million years that the tables would turn and I would be a Jesus freak. Believe me, I am the last person who would have thought that this would be my life. We have been tested time and time again, and this is probably the reason why.

I know the subject of religion is controversial, but I just wanted to share our story. I just have to remember that I cannot control the outcome of anything, and I have to have faith and trust that our prayers will eventually be answered.

Infertility sucks, but I'm grateful that it brought me to God, a new outlook in life, faith, and saved our marriage. Andy and I have gained a powerful coping mechanism that gives us hope when we're at our weakest.

We "allowed God access to our lives. He will take it and make it something wonderful. He will make us happier than we could ever imagine."

I certainly hope so! ;)

Before this river becomes an ocean, before you throw my heart back on the floor...Oh baby, I reconsider my foolish notion. Well, I need someone to hold me but I'll wait for something more. Yes, I've got to have faith. I've got to have faith-a-faith-a-faith-ahhh. 

~George

Thing 1, Thing 2, and Cindy Lou Who

It's time to hop back on the Scream Machine again...our ride on the IVF roller coaster is back in full effect!

Before I get started, I know that several of you who read this are IRL (in real life) friends/family and that is completely fine. You all have been so supportive of us and we love you all. However, Andy and I have chosen to not make any "public" announcements this time around. This is for our own self preservation. The only people that I work with who know that we are starting another cycle are my nursing manager and whomever chooses to read this blog. That being said, if you are reading this please DO NOT bring it up to me or anyone else at work. If this actually works, I do not want the entire world knowing until we confirm that it is absolutely viable....which probably means when I push an actual live baby out of my woohoo. I haven't completely decided, but there will probably be no Facebook posts if it does work. I don't even want baby showers because they give me panic attacks. All we want are lots of prayers and a healthy baby in 9 months. Thanks for understanding.

I never thought that I would be so excited to have Aunt Flow visit...of course she was a day late and I had one of those !!!What if this is a miracle!!! moments, but for the 58,391,922,896th month in a row she knocked on my cervical door. Her love never fails.

We received our tentative schedule, and the timeframe was wayyyy different than what I had speculated. I started my BCP yesterday, and will be adding the dreaded Lupron injections to the mix around 3/9. I have to drive to Charleston the first of March to have my saline sonohystogram performed, mock transfer, and full blood work panel on both Andy and myself. It is at that time we can apply for the Shared Risk Program, and if accepted, we will purchase a package that includes three fresh donor cycles, and three frozen donor cycles. If it doesn't work after all six cycles, we get a 100% refund. Which means that we would have the funds to "just adopt".

Please pray that we get accepted into the program! I don't know what we would do if they turn us down...I don't think I could stomach gambling that much money for one try and no refunds. Our coordinator said that as long as my uterus is pretty, we shouldn't have a problem. My lining has always been around 11-12mm (which is f'awesome) so hopefully we'll be good to go.

Around 3/19 I will begin Estrogen support. Since we are doing a split cycle, our nurse (Sam-I-Am, RN) is trying to coordinate myself (Thing One), the other girl's (Thing Two), and the donor's (Cindy Lou Who) cycles. That woman was blessed with the gift of strategy...and I am obsessed with Dr. Seuss, so I'm going to nickname everyone to make this process easier.

While I'm at it, I'll call our fertility doc Dr. Seuss. Bless.

Once she gets mine and Thing Two's uterus thick and pretty, we will just basically hang out and marinate on Lupron/Estrogen while Cindy Lou Who does all of the dirty work! I will just have to go in every other week to have my lining checked. I can't tell you how relieved I am to not have to go through the whole stimulation process. It was a bloated horrid mess! Cindy Lou Who will stimulate and then have the egg retrieval once her follicles are mature. We will then split the eggs with Thing 2, and our share will be fertilized with Andy's sperm. We will transfer the embryos three to five days after retrieval, depending on how they are dividing.

According to our calendar, retrieval will be on or around April 13th, and the transfer will take place around April 16th-18th!!! That is, if everything goes as planned. Much earlier than we expected. Now that I think about it, this is exactly 6 years after I came off of birth control to start trying. Crazy.

Anyway, this timing should work out well because our 10 year anniversary is May 19th and we requested that week off work. If it works, then we'll have an entire week off work to be extremely happy. If it doesn't work, then we'll have an entire week off work to go on a road trip and drink insane amounts of alcohol.

So, let's play the glass is half full. If it works this time, then I will be due right after Christmas! How awesome would that be? I've always wanted a Christmas baby, so maybe it will finally come true. Six years of hell for one awesome Christmas would be the ultimate blessing.

Now, I will introduce the characters in our little daytime drama...I have to do this or else I will go crazy having to describe I-You-He-She-It-We-They in all of my blog posts. This makes it fun...and easier!

Our Nurse, Sam-I-Am, carrying our Green Eggs and Ham.

In reality, she's a girl, so just imagine Sam with a little less facial hair.

Andy and Jessica, Thing 1

The Other Couple, Thing 2

Our Infertility Doctor, Dr. Seuss. 

Hmmm. He's not as creepy looking in real life.

And our angel, Cindy Lou Who.

Hopefully she will help to bring us our Christmas miracle!

*Disclaimer for the crazies: All of the above images, names, characters, and references were created by Dr. Seuss and obtained from the internet. I am not taking credit for them, only keeping his legacy alive. This blog post is based on true events, however, has been fictionalized and all persons appearing in this post are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. And if you want to sue me, please consult with my infertility doctor because he has all of my money. So there.

Humpty Dumpty

 The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it. ~ Arnold Glasgow

This morning, I finally had a break from work to leave a message with my donor coordinator to call me back. I made sure that I mentioned the fact that I had emailed her in December and never heard back, so I wanted to touch base and make sure that everything was still on track. Her voice mail said that she would be out of the office today, but what do ya know...she returned my call. Right when I was in the middle of taking care of one of my own patients. Awesome.

The reason I have not heard back from her yet was because we are doing a split cycle and she was waiting for another couple to pick our donor. A courtesy email to let me know this would have been nice, but whatevs. I guess I called at the right time because another couple just chose our first pick yesterday! Score!!!

She said that the next step is for our Donor to come in over the next few weeks and have her final screenings done for cystic fibrosis, etc. Our nurse will be notifying our Donor so that these appointments can be set up.

She wants me to call when I start my next period. At that time, I will start my testing/sonograms and she will start coordinating my cycle with the Donor's cycle and the other couple's cycle. The entire cycle should take around 3 months once we get started. Since I was busy at work, I didn't get a chance to ask her any specifics. I'm assuming that if all goes well, a tentative transfer will happen around May/June of this year. Right around our 10 year anniversary. This could turn out to be the best or worst anniversary we've ever had. Gulp.

I'm so excited...and scared to death. I'm having flashbacks of all the negativity that came along with my other IVF cycles. I just wish I could be normal and not have to plan my life around something that the majority gets hassle free! I'm trying not to be stressed out, but this is the last possible chance I have at carrying a child on my own. We have too much invested in this to remain calm and collected.

Maybe if she gave me some boiled eggs I would have a little bounce if I fell off that wall. Hard boiled.

Even Stick People Can Get Pregnant

I don't know why, but this cartoon literally makes me laugh-out-loud.


However, I got behind every infertile's pet peeve the other day...

Really? Not funny.

I think that all of these stick people just need to get fixed.