Spirit of Christmas Past, Present, and Future

Hmmm. Since I've been MIA for almost TWO MONTHS, I have a head jumbled full of things to write about. Gosh, I hope that I still have some readers left. I've been trying to keep up with everyone's blogs, but it's been crazy around here as usual. My apologies. This post may be all over the place!

We finally mailed in our egg donor application! Actually, we mailed it right after my last post... almost two months ago. k. We figured that we would be more productive with getting everything in line knowing that our doctor could call us at any minute with a match. At our office, they have their own pool of donors and the waiting list to get matched is currently 5-6 months. So, we are basically standing in line with a bunch of other couples ahead of us. We could use an outside agency to make the process go faster, but that comes with a pretty hefty pricetag. We would have to pay the outside agency, travel expenses for the donor, plus pay our doctor.

And that ain't happenin'.

Soooooo.....for the past two months we have done several things to help prepare for "the call". Our nurse said that as soon as we get matched, the ball starts rolling pretty fast. We have to be ready to strike a check and get the cycle going in full force.

I present to you...our baby preparation. Bulleted.

• Refinanced the house. Finally. I threatened to abduct my banker's children and he was on it.
• Sold Andy's car (this past summer).
• Cashed out life insurance policies. As of now, there are no children to get the money anyway.
• Cashed out one 401k account. Hey, prevents taking out another loan. Otherwise, we will get the money when if we retire and have to turn around and pay off our B.S. infertility debt anyway. The penalty will be a heck of a lot less than the years of interest we'll pay on another loan.
• Had two years left to pay on my car, so we just went ahead and paid that off. This way, we free up a car payment to have more wiggle room when we buy Andy another car.
• Disconnected the home phone/internet. Replaced with cheap, unsecured internet. Awesome.
• Cut off cable and replaced with cheaper satellite. Double awesome.
• Canceled my crappy health insurance policy and added myself to Andy's policy.

After we combine all of this with our failed IVF refund and what my parents took out for us, we should be good to go. Since we have the best luck ever, if donor doesn't work out we will need this money to "just adopt".


Now, a bulleted list of what I wish I was doing with this money:

• Go on our 10 year anniversary trip next year. Happy Anniversary.
• Buy Christmas presents for our family. Merry Christmas.
• Take our child to get Christmas portraits made and send out cute little cards. Oh wait. Hello another childless Christmas.
• Pay for our child's education. Hello scholarships. 
• Have the money to raise our children. Hello welfare.
• Retire. Hello work until I'm found dead in the nurse's station.

Now, a bulleted list of what Andy wishes he could do with this money...he really compiled this for me:

• "Buy Jessica a nice diamond ring." Hello rock.
• "Buy myself a nice watch." Hello bling bling timepiece.
• "Go on a month-long cruise through the Mediterranean." Hello babies that we can steal and bring back to the U.S.

Other than this ridiculousness, everything is going good. We recently celebrated the first birthdays of both of our nieces. They are growing up so fast! We also spent Thanksgiving in the mountains with Andy's family and had a great visit with lots of awesome food. A couple of weeks ago, my blog buddy from Arizona came to visit! Her husband will be stationed here in Augusta for the next 5 months, so we showed him around town and got him settled in.

If I can just make it through the end of the year, I will be good. Maybe. This time of year is always centered around children, and it's getting more and more difficult to keep the Christmas spirit. I was pregnant and happier than I've ever been this time last year. I finally felt blessed and complete. I had something in common with most of the women on this Earth. Grrr. Whatever. I'll just sit back and drink smile while all of the cute little families do their thing. And do I even need to bring up Facebook posts this time of year? Pour me another.

At least I can drink unhealthy amounts of alcohol this Christmas.

Bah humbug.

The Perfect Dozen

So, Andy and I have been trying to fill out our egg donor application which is turning into an Olympic feat to say the least. Along with listing our own characteristics, we are having to tell them about our personality, temperament, hobbies, religion, ethnic background, etc.

The most important part is that we have to come up with two separate lists of characteristics that we require and desire in a donor. If you know us in real life, you could probably guess that this was very entertaining to us. Hey, this ridiculousness has been going on for nearly 6 years, so we have to find the humor in it. 

My intention is not to offend anybody by this post, nor be greedy and try to design the ideal child. When it comes down to it, we just want to be parents. However, you have to understand that this is the only child that Andy and I are going to have, and we are trying to request quantifiable traits that most closely resemble myself. People love to play the "Who does the child look like" game, and it's probably going to be *secretly* uncomfortable enough when someone tells me that our child has my eyes or nose, or looks nothing like me. I am not saying that it is all about looks. Please think of what you would want if you happened to be in our shoes. Genetics is a complete toss-up, so I'm happy that our child will at least be half Andy's. I will love our child regardless...but I have to be completely honest that a little piece of me is still hurting because I will not be able to carry on my family's genetic line...or my infamous ghetto booty.

Anyway, we were cracking up while creating this list...and we obviously got less serious towards the end. You will probably notice that I have a huge tooth fetish. Andy made me cross off the dental entries because he said that you can control how healthy a child's teeth are going to be by raising them with healthy habits. I disagree. I know for a fact that snaggles are genetic. I can make the child brush and floss, but if he or she only grows 8 permanent healthy teeth, then that's a problem. 

Drum roll....

Let me justify my double-jointed spider monkey toes:

 

And the bow staff...Napoleon Dynamite is my hero. Our kid better be this fly for a white guy:

I don't think the list is too much to ask. Of course, it is evident that several of these will not be on our application. Once we mail it in, we will have to undergo an excessive amount of lab testing, another saline sonogram, another trial transfer, go through counseling and be approved by a psychologist, and then be placed on a waiting list for a donor. Our nurse says that it takes an average of 6 months to be matched. Once matched, the entire cycle will take 3 months. 

We're not even close to mailing the application, so we're not even looking at anything happening until this time next year or later. For this, I would like to give a shout-out to our bank for our refinancing fiasco. I'm about to go postal on them. 

This is when I could really use Napoleon and his bow staff skills. Vote for Pedro.

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

 

(Found on Cafepress.com...this is where I find most of these t-shirts!)

At first I wondered what this shirt was about, but after a little research I discovered that some women have what you call fried egg boobies. I interviewed Andy, and he explained it as less than a handful with a puffy...uhhum. Makes sense. 

I decided to do a little cutting and pasting in order to suit the more baby challenged folk. I think that this would be more fitting:

Fried Egg Ovaries.

Andy's Two Cents

I don't know if any of you have come across this story yet, but the hubby forwarded it to me this evening. It was originally published on Oprah.com back in September. This is a copy of the article that CNN published this morning. I'll go ahead a warn you that he gives a graphic account of his wife's miscarriage. However, it was nice to see a man's take on the subject for a change. The grieving process he described is so true...I could see a lot of our relationship in his recollection. Andy said it made him tear up while reading it, and he thought it would make a good contribution to our blog.

  

A Father's Story: Mourning the Baby We Never Had

I know that some of us get very discouraged because we feel as if the man isn't grieving after a loss occurs. In all reality, it's very difficult for them too...they just use a different outlet to release it. Add infertility to the miscarriage and you have a recipe for social isolation at it's finest.

Mad props to Oprah.com and CNN for raising infertility awareness! Now, if we could just get the insurance companies to listen!

Faith

Well, what do ya know...it seems that God whispers through Amazon. I found this vinyl wall art while perusing the web for deals on flea medications for the furchildren...it just popped right out at me! Isn't it pretty? I now get to look at it every morning when I wake up, and every evening before I go to bed. I'm having an extremely hard time keeping the faith right now, so I hope that it will help me to be a little more positive.

 I know that I have been slacking in the blog department lately. There has been a lot going on our lives, but it's not uterus or sperm related! Lucky us.

My grandmother passed away last week. She has been sick for awhile, but things took a turn for the worst and she just couldn't hang on any longer. She has been a huge supporter with our treatments and I wish that I could have thanked her with a grandchild. We were finally able to put her to rest today because the government run hospital for the military wanted to take their sweet time releasing her death certificate. Such respect. Anyway, she raised an awesome son...my father. The man will literally put everyone and everything before himself in order to help others. I'm so glad that we were able to support him during this time. I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to lose a parent.

No news on the house refinance. We were supposed to close (again) at the end of September, but that f*ed up too. Oh, wait a minute...let me refer to my new Vinyl Wall Art.

Griswold (aka Clark, Sparky, the newest furchild) is growing like a weed. He is only 4 months old and already 34 pounds...ouch! He's very smart...so far he can sit, shake, lay down, high five, roll over, and ring the bell on the back door to let us know he has to go to the bathroom!

Here is my favorite picture of my grandmother and my father when he was a baby...rest in peace Memom!

Here are some recent pics of Griswold...passed out of course!

Griswold and his big sister Ellie May! Such sweet little siblings. Ellie hates him.

"I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell." 

 ~Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

At least I was blessed with a liver that can function properly. I wonder if it could grow a baby? I bet that would make for a cute baby bump...

Attack of the Shitty Luck Fairy

I am so irritated and about to reach my breaking point in....3....2....1....

I'm going to go ahead and warn you that I'm angry, negative, in a very bad place right now, and need to vent. And...I will use CAPS because it's annoying and makes me feel better. k.
 
Long story short, we started the process of refinancing our house back in July shortly after we found out that we'd have to do egg donor. Our rate when we originally bought our house 4 years ago is nearly double what the current rate is. We also sold Andy's car which was already paid off in order to make a big chunk of fast cash. Our lower mortgage would allow us more money every month to buy another car, and then we wouldn't have far to go before having the moolah for donor. Good idea, right?

WRONG.

We have to remember that we are dealing with Jessica and Andy luck...nothing ever comes easy and rarely works out the way it is supposed to.

Our house didn't appraise for as much as we hoped because some DIPWAD in our neighborhood practically gave away their house earlier this year, which lowered the value of EVERY house in our subdivision. We're waiting on our loan officer to crunch numbers with some other loans, so we're not really sure what's going to happen. From the looks of it, we're not going to save that much money by refinancing. Then we get to add on another car payment after we sold a car that was already paid off.
Brilliant idea. Should have known.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Is this God telling us AGAIN that we shouldn't have children? I'm just not getting His message here. I told myself back in July that I was not going to stress over it and that I was going to put it in God's hands. That's exactly what I did. I finally put my faith gave my fears entirely to God for the FIRST time in my life. This is what he hands me. WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT???

Of course, we could sell our house and buy a cheaper one. We could stop going on vacations. We can stop going out to eat. We can cut off our cable, internet, home phone, and cell phones. We can stop going to football games.

So, let me get this straight. We are supposed to deal with infertility AND sacrifice every facet of our lives to have a chance at being parents. Going out of town on our random road trips has kept me sane through all of this. But, you know, we need to give that up. We need to rent a studio apartment, stare at each other all night because we have no cable or internet, and take a bus to work every morning. All the while, normal people get to keep their house, all amenities, and can save money for retirement because they don't have to drop 80k to "maybe" have a child.

I'm just about to the point of emptying out the savings, paying everyone back that has helped us (out of the goodness of their hearts) and saying screw this. I'm just lost. I don't know what God is trying to tell us. I have tried so hard to be positive about egg donor, but I'm so sick of getting knocked down with our shitty luck. About 90% of the girls I originally met when I started blogging have either had a baby or are now pregnant...don't get me wrong, I am very happy for you all. It just makes me question our path and discourages me even more.

On the other hand, I will be headed to see my Gamecocks play tomorrow night and then headed to the mountains with Andy's family to celebrate our niece's 1st birthday! We can't wait!

Maybe I should cherish the next few months of football games and travel, because it's obvious that God wants us to learn to live without, while we sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else bask in their blessings. But, what if we sacrifice EVERYTHING and still don't become parents? What if, what if, what if.
 
Grrrrrr. What's next? I just wish God would give us a clearer picture. I'm just so sick of being left out of a life that everyone else gets to live because we can't have children.

It's A Boy!

Here's our long awaited surprise!!! Instead of bringing home a baby this past weekend, we decided to bring home a very hairy bundle of joy.

Introducing...

Griswold Uguyses!

He's an 11 week old American Bulldog who is playful and loves to chillax...just what we need. We're getting him accustomed to our house and his big sister, Ellie May. She's a blind Maltipoo and very territorial, but not taking the new addition too hard. Griswold really wants to play with her, but she's NOT having it. Guess we'll be making a bunch of trips to the doggie park so that he can make some friends!

He's already a Gamecock fan!

We had a great vacation at the beach last week. Just what we needed! Now, back to the real world and training our newest family member! Please comment if you have any training tips for American Bulldogs...we would be much obliged!

August 14, 2010

Oh little Giblet...we love you and wish that we could have met you today. You are special, for you taught us to be grateful for what so many others take for granted. You were only here for the blink of an eye, but it was your brief life that made us the happiest we've ever been as a couple. May God rest your soul. You will forever hold a place in our hearts!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

This T-Shirt Isn't Funny Tuesday

And now ladies, I present to you another edition featuring T-Shirts that your average woman who is having trouble getting pregnant would want to rip off of someone, cut into little pieces, and put a match to!

YES,
I'm not pregnant.
NO,
You can't touch my beer belly. Because I can drink beer and you can't. Betch.



We just got back from an awesome weekend vacation with my sister and her hubby! They were so nice to let us tag along. We went to where Car.rie Under.wood was just married...it was beautiful!

August 14th was our due date and it is closing in quickly. I can't believe that I would almost be 39 weeks preggo right now...it went by so fast. We decided to head to the beach next week. I would rather be there than at work dwelling on it.

Soooo, instead of a baby, we'll be bringing home a special something after our beach trip! I can't wait to show it off!

And The Winner Is....

The winner of my Blogiversary Giveaway is....

A. From Remember All The Way!!!

Congrats girlie:) Send your contact info to: jhnorrell@hotmail.com and I will ship it out Monday!

I'm doing this from my phone, so I hope it works. Thanks to everyone who entered!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Awards and my Blogiversary Giveaway!

My sweet friends, Jen from What Would Jen Do, R. from One Egg Please, Christa from Fearlessly Infertile, and Tiffany from All Aboard the IF Train! nominated me for this award! Thanks so much ladies! Go on over and check out their blogs!

For this award, here’s what you do:

1. Thank whoever gave you the award.

2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.

3. Pay it forward by nominating 7 bloggers for this award.

Hmmmm...7 things. I think I've done this before and I embarrassed myself, so let me see if I can have a little more tact...lol. Yeah right. Who am I fooling?

1. My dream job would be to work as a Disney Princess. I like to sing and dance around the house (and my job) like I'm Tinkerbell or something. Loser.

2. I LOVE to take pictures...my sisters call me the paparazzi. They're going to thank me in 30 years when we have pictures to reminisce over and laugh about! There are, however, quite a few that have been locked in "The Vault of Forbidden Eyeballs". Nuff' said.

3. I am the oldest of four children...I have two sisters and one brother. We are all very close and get along well for the most part.

4. I have two baby nieces born last year that I love more than anything in the world. One is my sister's baby who is 8 months old, and the other is Andy's sister's baby who is 11 months old. They make me smile!

5. Let's play the concerts I have been to game. Hmmmm. New Kids on the Block, Nelson, AC/DC, Lollapalooza '95 (Courtney Love, Cypress Hill, Sonic Youth, Beck, Coolio), Dave Matthews Band. Oh yeah, I saw Jordan Knight (NKOTB) play at a dinky bar in Auburn a few years ago when I lived there. He thought he was cool and was playing all of the old NKOTB songs on his electronic keyboard. There were only, like, 50 girls there and we were screaming the entire time...I got to touch his butt and hold his hand. I tried to get his autograph before he left, but he snuck out of the back door and drove off in a Geo Metro. I was scarred for life. I knew there was a reason that I always loved Joey Joe because Jordan SUCKS!

6. Andy stood me up on our first couple of dates. 12 years later and look who has the magic whip. Whooopachhh!

7. I've always wanted to write a children's book. I'm just having a hard time coming up with a character...and then there's that whole illustration thing. One day!

And now, 7 bloggers that I highly recommend you get to know! I would really like to nominate ALL of the blogs I follow...such an awesome IF community!

1. Julia from Adam and Julia
2. Michelle from No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat
3. Kakunaa from Spermination Station
4. Waiting for a Baby Bump

5. T from Inconceivable Journey
6. Lisa from WANTED: One Good Embryo
7. Katie from from If to When

Don't forget to enter my Blogiversary Giveaway! Only 2 days left!!!

This T-Shirt Isn't Funny Tuesday

And now ladies, I present to you another edition featuring T-Shirts that your average woman who is having trouble getting pregnant would want to rip off of someone, cut into little pieces, and put a match to!

Listen cankle woman...you're going to know the true meaning of crabby after I show you what an ass kickin' feels like. You can either have childlessness and a plethora of medical bills, or SHUT IT and enjoy every second of your blessing!

Only 3 days left to enter my Blogiversary Giveaway!!! Hurry! Hurry!

This T-Shirt is Pretty Much Awesome Thursday

1. Hold on...I'm in my yoga pilates tranquil zen pose...............whew! I think that miraculously healed by endometriosis and fixed our egg and sperm quality! Let me go pee on a stick real quick. OMG!!!! IT'S......negative.

2. Well shit, I thought that standing on my head before we had relations was good enough. Why didn't we think of that?

3. Yes, unfortunately it is. We had him tested and he has spermosarcoidmalarianismitis. It's just so tragic.

4. Wow. Just....wow. You must have not relaxed enough.

5. Your kids are ugly. Why didn't you "just adopt"?

 Don't forget to enter my Blogiversary GIVEAWAY!

Blogiversary Giveaway!

I am so excited to be hosting my very first giveaway! In honor of my one year Blogiversary, I am giving away this very cute Willow Tree Figurine named "Hope". It is brand new and in the original packaging. As you can see from the picture below, it is of a small child holding onto a balloon with the word "hope" inside of it. I thought that it was perfect for most of the situations in our lil' blogging community! There is HOPE and we WILL be parents one day!

 These are the cutest, hand carved/painted figurines, and there is an inspirational piece for almost every situation. You can check out the website by clicking here.

Here are the rules:

1. You must be a follower of my blog. Leave me a comment telling me you are either a current follower or that you are a new follower. (Mandatory...1 entry)

Extra Entries: 

  1. Follow me on Twitter. Already following? That's fine! Just leave a comment if you want to enter. (1 entry)

2. Tweet about this giveaway and leave a comment with tweet link. (1 entry per tweet/1 tweet per day)

3. Blog about this giveaway and leave the link in the comment. (2 entries...please leave two comments.)

4. In a comment, tell me what your favorite blog post was of mine, and why you liked it! (1 entry)

Giveaway will end Friday, July 23rd @ 11:59 p.m. (EST), and will be announced Saturday July 24th!

(I will be using Random.org to pick the winner)

Good Luck!!!

Legal Disclaimer: I am not being financially compensated for having this giveaway. I purchased the above mentioned product myself. Winner must live in the USA not including Hawaii or Alaska due to shipping charges. Winner must contact me by e-mail within 48 hours of being announced or I will announce a new winner.