Postpartum Party...The Science of Jessica

I haven't really written a post about my postpartum experience, so I thought that I would enlighten you all with an update on my redonkulated body! It has been just about as crazy as my pregnancy was. I would go through everything a billion times over again if it meant holding my boys in the end. However, I'm just amazed at the toll it took on my body!

Let us start with Exhibit A. Raging fungal infection. I noticed that my nipples were extremely painful, bright red, peeling, cracking, and bleeding into the milk I was pumping. Come to find out, I have a fungal infection. On my nipples. It ended up spreading to the ring finger on my right hand and the corners of my mouth. As of this week...it has spread to my pinky finger. It hurts to extend my finger because it cracks and bleeds. I have tried every antifungal cream imaginable, popped acidophilis pills like they're crack, taken a round of Diflucan, and even attempted Gentian Violet. Purple...everywhere. It dyed my hand...and everything I touched...purple for an entire week. I'm afraid to do something as simple as rub lotion on the boys out of fear of spreading it to them. Guess my next stop is the dermatologist.

Exhibit A. I'll spare you the nipple shot.

Gentian Violet Fail. Don't try this at home.

Exhibit B. This is very disgusting so skip this Exhibit if you have a weak stomach. Remember the pilonidal abscess that came out of nowhere on my bungcrack whilst I was six months preggo? Many of you probably remember that I had to have it drained and packed again the day after we brought the boys home from the hospital. Welp, about three weeks ago I had to have it drained and packed again. I haven't even recovered from that flare up when it abscessed AGAIN on the opposite side of my bungcrack this week! My surgeon had to filet my ass open again yesterday. He said it was on the other side because it has tunneled from my left inner cheek, underneath my bungcrack, and through my right cheek right underneath my tailbone. He said that surgery will be needed to excise it sooner rather than later because it was the biggest and deepest one he's ever seen.

Ever seen.

And it will only get worse with time. Can someone please tell my ass crack that I have twins to take care of? The surgery is pretty intense and sounds very scary. Just Google it. It basically involves coring the cyst all the way through and leaving it completely open to heal. My surgeon said that mine will involve about a 6-7 inch area of tissue removed from my tailbone. Even with the surgery, there is a 10-20% chance that it will recur. I have to have the surgery because it will continue to grow and keep flaring up. Not to mention the fact that my body has been fighting an infection since last December and it will eventually take a toll on my immune system. Antibiotics don't touch this monster. It is literally a pain in the ass. Literally.

I just want to be able to rock my babies and sit on the floor and play with them. I've waited so long for these boys and I'm being robbed of the simple things. Blech. I guess I'd rather have the surgery before they are mobile. Ugh. If anyone has any experience with this crazy ailment, please message me! I can't wait to get the entire top half of my ass cut off.

Exhibit B

Exhibit C. Receding hairline. It started coming out in clumps about four months after delivery. The literature says that I won't go bald and that it should start growing back after about six months. I have to pull it back at work, or else it will just fall out everywhere. I will be surprised if Andy ever wants to be with me again.

Exhibit C

Exhibit D. Pyogenic granuloma, or "pregnancy tumor". I lost a follower the first time I posted a picture of it. Lol. Whoops. It came out of nowhere and grew to look like a miniature penis on my hand. It was full of vessels and continuously bled, so I had to have it cut off and cauterized. It came back again after that, but has since gone down after I delivered and got rid of the hormones it was feeding off of.

Exhibit D

Exhibit E. Not only did I have the pilonidal cyst to my tailbone, another boil popped up in my groin area from an ingrown hair a couple weeks after delivery. It also abscessed and took about 3 weeks to drain and heal. Do I sound like a disgusting hot mess yet? I have a picture of it, but have a pretty good feeling you don't want to see it. Poor Andy.

Exhibit E

Exhibit F. My scalp is so dry that it is peeling off in layers, and my lips are scaly and feel like they are sunburned all of the time. I'm going to go ahead and assume that breastfeeding twins for the last 5 months is sucking all nutrients and every bit of moisture out of me. Therefore, I have resorted to chugging about 10 liters of water a day to keep up. Take that, body.

Exhibit F

Exhibit G. Speaking of breastfeeding, so far so good. My supply decreased just a little bit since I returned to work, but I seem to be keeping up for the most part. We do supplement with formula now, especially in the middle of the night when we don't feel like heating up bottles. I am trying to freeze as much as I can because I think I'm going to have to stop when I have surgery on the bungcrack. I have a feeling that I will be on a ton of pain medicines and sitting on my ass to pump will be out of the question. Hopefully my frozen supply will get them to their first birthday. Thanks again, bungcrack.

Exhibit G

Exhibit H. Baby weight. I gained about 55 pounds during my pregnancy. I lost a total of 60 pounds within three weeks of giving birth. I think most of it was fluid! I went buck wild during maternity leave because I had been deprived of sugar because of gestational diabeeeeetus. I gained twenty pounds back. I didn't think that eating a bag of white reese's cups a day would do that, but apparently so. My weight is the least of my worries right now. Besides, I will probably lose fifty pounds when my doctor cuts off half of my ass this Fall.

The weekend before my C-section! Whoa.

A couple of weeks after giving birth...Baney is all snuggled up in my Moby wrap:)

Tonight. Whatevs.

Bad.

Exhibit I. Cankles. It took about six weeks for them to deflate! I now have little purple spider veins all over my feet because they were so stretched out. Also, the nerve pain and swelling to my left leg went away immediately after delivery because Anderson was cutting off my circulation.

Exhibit I...before. Lol.

Exhibit I...after. Much better.

Exhibit J. This happened during the prime of my sleep deprivation. When I looked over at this can, I freaked out because I thought that I'd accidentally brought a beer to work. It was my Diet Sprite. Whew. They need to be careful with their packaging.

Exhibit J

Exhibit K. This makes my health problems much more tolerable.

Exhibit K

Exhibit L. These make my health problems seem nonexistent. Worth. every. second. As my best friend says, these sweet boys aren't going to let me forget what I went through to get them!

Exhibit L{ove}

We'll be 5 months old tomorrow and are working hard on our next post! Stay tuned for our latest adventures!